Joyce Ann Isidro
Having trust in a relationship is incredibly crucial.
This is why it makes it that much more difficult to be in a relationship with someone with attachment issues, and why it can often feel like you’re treading on eggshells—in constant fear of doing or saying something wrong, of having the person you love run away…
…but it doesn’t have to be difficult.
It’s true that building trust with someone with baggage is no easy task, but there are things you can do to make it easier.
Want to know what these are? Read on to learn the 10 ways to build trust with a partner who has attachment issues.
Let’s dive in!
1) Always be honest
If you’re trying to build trust with a partner who has attachment issues, the number one thing you should absolutely NOT do is lie.
Lying, in general, will automatically break the trust and, subsequently, the relationship that you have with the other person. This is why lying to a person who already has trust issues has the absolute potential to ruin the relationship.
So if you’re in a relationship with a person with attachment or trust issues, don’t keep secrets, and don’t tell them lies.
The truth has a tendency to always come out in the end, so don’t lie to a person you are in a relationship with, because one way or another, they will find out. And before you know it, the trust has been broken and the relationship is in ruins.
That’s why being true to your word is so important—and so is being true with your actions.
2) Let your actions speak louder than your words
When you’re in a relationship with a person with attachment issues, words are usually not enough to build trust. Often, you have to walk the talk.
This means you don’t just tell them you love them—you show them.
You simply don’t tell them you care about them. You have to show them that you do, so they feel it.
Ask yourself: how do they like to be loved? What are their love languages? Perhaps they like spending quality time together, or being taken care of.
This is because people with trust and attachment issues have a history of being betrayed in the past. Of people telling them one thing, and then doing the other. Maybe they have been cheated on, or maybe they had parents who took care of them one day then disappeared the other.
Which is why in order to build trust, you also have to make them feel reassured in the relationship constantly.
3) Give constant reassurance
We all need reassurance in our relationships, romantic or otherwise. It’s just that people with attachment issues need it more.
This is because they’ve been betrayed in the past, and they feel the need to be sure that you won’t do the same.
So how do you give reassurance to a partner with attachment issues?
To give your partner reassurance, make sure to constantly comfort them by telling them you won’t hurt them like their past partners might have done so in the past; that you won’t abandon them like a parent might have when they were a child.
But as you already know, words are often not enough.
It’s just as important to follow through on your actions. This means calling when you said you would, being on time when you meet, spending time with them like you planned, and, of course, not breaking your promises.
So if you promised to spend a week together after being apart for a while, make sure to follow through on your promise. Show them you care about them by keeping them high on your list of priorities.
You can also assure them that you’re serious about them by making plans for the future. You can talk about what kind of house you would like to live in, how many children you two would want to have, and so on.
Talking about these lets them know that your future dreams include them, and that you don’t plan on leaving them.
Building trust doesn’t end with giving reassurance, however. Often, you also have to carefully think your decisions through.
4) Carefully think your decisions through
When you’re in a relationship with a person with attachment issues, you often have to be proactive. This means carefully weighing your decisions before you make them.
For example, if you’re at work and you promised to come home early but your co-workers suddenly invite you to have a drink after work, carefully decide if your partner would be okay with you coming home later than you promised.
On the other hand, not following through with your promises has the potential to really hurt them, even if it seems small and simple to you.
This is because even if you think this is not a big deal, it might be for them, because breaking a seemingly simple promise triggers their trauma of people being dishonest with them.
It might make them think that you, just like the people who have hurt them in the past, don’t care about them enough to follow through on your promises.
This is also why it’s so important to learn about your partner’s past so you know how to make the right decisions in the relationship.
5) Learn and acknowledge their past
The past can often be a delicate, complicated subject to delve into in relationships. Some people choose not to talk about their past with their partners, and that’s okay.
However, with a person with attachment issues, learning and acknowledging their past is necessary to build trust in the relationship.
Why is this?
Because learning about your partner’s past lets you know about the root cause of their attachment issues. It answers the whys of the way they behave, such as: why do they find it so difficult to trust? Why does it hurt them really badly when people don’t stay true to their word?
Perhaps this is because they were in an abusive relationship before, where they were constantly gaslit and emotionally abused. Or maybe they had absentee parents, which might have been the reason why they fear abandonment.
There’s really no single answer as to why different people have attachment issues, which is why it’s so important that you have this conversation with your partner.
I know it can be hard to have this conversation, because talking about the past can be so sensitive. This is where consulting relationship experts can help.
6) Talk to a relationship expert
Reading tips on the internet about how to build trust with a partner who has attachment issues can be helpful, but it can only help you so much.
There might be specific issues in the relationship that need to be addressed that could be hard to cover, and this is where consulting a relationship coach would come in handy. With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences.
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like learning how to build trust with a partner with attachment issues. They’re a very popular resource for people facing similar relationship challenges.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
7) Be vulnerable
Building trust in a relationship is not a one-way street—it should go both ways.
While it is incredibly important for your partner to open up about their past so you can learn what caused their attachment issues, it is just as important for you to be vulnerable around them as well.
This is because when you are vulnerable around your partner, it shows them that you trust them; that even when it can often feel shameful to share our emotions, you care enough about them to share it with them. This encourages them to be vulnerable with you, too.
Personally, when my friends share their deepest, most painful experiences with me, I feel honored, because I know they don’t share these things with just anyone, and I’m sure your partner will feel the same when you choose to be vulnerable with them.
8) Don’t betray their trust
The worst thing you could do in a relationship is to betray your partner’s trust.
Of course, this applies not just to people with attachment issues, but it is especially bad when you do it to them.
Because when you betray them, you prove that they were right all along—that they were right when they felt that they should not trust you, or be vulnerable with you.
Betraying a person with attachment issues can hurt them beyond repair, so don’t be that person. Don’t learn their past just so you can do the same thing to them again.
By betraying them, you’re forcing them to relive their trauma. You’re scratching their scars and opening past wounds.
So no matter what you do, don’t betray your partner with attachment issues if you don’t want to see how ugly it can be for them when they get hurt all over again.
However, making a mistake does not have to signal the end of the relationship if you own up to them.
9) Admit when you’re wrong
It can often be difficult for us as humans to admit when we’re wrong. But if you want to be forgiven for your mistakes, the first thing you should do is acknowledge them.
Don’t try to find a way to work around it, to excuse it, or to gaslight them into believing it’s not that big a deal. Know that you don’t get to choose what’s a big deal and what’s not to a person who’s been deeply hurt in the past.
And, of course, don’t try to hide your mistakes, because trust me: they will find out. Hiding your mistakes makes you untrustworthy, especially to a person with attachment issues.
It will only break the relationship further if you’ve made a mistake, tried to keep it secret, but they ended up finding out about it in the end.
Know that it’s okay to make mistakes. After all, it’s these mistakes that make us human. What separates the good ones from the bad is that the former owns up to it, and makes the proper reparations to the people they hurt.
But if you find that you’ve done everything but the trust is still broken, perhaps a relationship coach could help.
10) Try consulting a relationship coach
At this point in the article, you already know how difficult it is to build trust with a partner who has attachment issues. It makes it even more difficult when you make a mistake that betrays their trust.
However, the cracks in the glass can still be mended, so don’t lose hope.
I’ve mentioned Relationship Hero previously, and like I said, it’s one of the best resources out there for people struggling in their romantic relationships.
Talking to an expert can help you learn how to better build trust with a person with attachment issues, and how to restore that trust when you’ve made a mistake.
While I hope this article can help, if you have specific problems in the relationship that you need help for, the coaches from Relationship Hero can be quite helpful.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
