Meeting my twin flame is what made me believe in past lives.
Before that, I would have told you it was hokey, New Age bullshit. Now I swear by it.
We just clicked on such a deep level: it was uncanny and exhilarating.
Our relationship progressed rapidly like we’d known each other all our lives, but the first months of happiness started to turn into something else entirely…
A wonderful beginning turns into heartbreak
Our relationship progressed rapidly like we’d known each other all our lives.
We’d watch films together and go to concerts, bike along this idyllic path through the woods, kayak, and even attend hot yoga class together.
I felt like I was in Heaven! My twin flame Jake seemed pretty damn into it too.
In fact, he directly told me he was happier than he’d ever been. I could see by his eyes that he meant it.
Our lovemaking was out of this world. The conversations we had about spirituality, politics and life experiences literally changed my life…
To say that I was ecstatic would be an understatement because I was so happy that I don’t even know how to explain it.
While in that blissful state I barely even registered just how great it was. I just knew that suddenly everything in life seemed to fit and even the small problems that arose like Jake’s busy schedule just effortlessly got swept to the side.
We were in love.
But the first months of happiness started to turn into something else entirely…
Here’s what happened:
- Jake became detached and distant;
- He started acting awkward and uncomfortable around me;
- He began flirting with other women in front of me and making me feel like shit;
- He dodged questions about our future and made me feel rejected.
I’ve been through the wringer before and I thought that finally with him those days were over.
After researching twin flames and seeing our connection in action it was hard for me to believe he was just going to be like the rest of them…
Ghosting, emotional coldness, the eventual breakup?
I was devastated and didn’t know what to do.
Did my twin flame get snuffed out?
I know that acceptance can be the only response to a relationship that’s gone dead. But with Jake, I could not accept that as the outcome.
After two months apart and only a few texts, I was clamoring for answers and wanted to know what had gone wrong.
We weren’t really “broken up” but were more like what couples call taking a break.
I have other friends and plenty of work but I won’t deny that the hole in my soul when I wasn’t seeing my twin flame was eating me up inside.
I know it sounds arrogant but I was – and am – 100% sure that Jake is my twin flame. I also believe we have shared time before this life.
So I was flummoxed and frankly pretty angry to see that our relationship looked like it was just going to fizzle out after less than a year.
Jake offered the chance to stay “just friends” but I won’t lie and say I was cool with it. I felt deflated, abandoned, and lost at sea.
I didn’t want to be “just friends” with Jake. I wanted to share my life with him.
So I began searching for answers. What had gone wrong and was it completely out of my control? Or was there something I could do to rekindle what I’d had with my twin flame…
The search for answers
When I say I started looking for answers to what had happened with Jake and I, I really mean it.
I had a friend Sarah who was basically obsessed with the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. She told me to read his book the Power of Now, which I did.
It seemed pretty profound and like it had a bunch of great teachings about acceptance and being content even with pain.
So I sat with the pain and envisioned the positive future and watched hundreds of hours of that strange little German man speak wistfully on YouTube.
To be fair, Eckhart did help me realize many things about myself and how I process disappointment and frustration. So I thank him for that.
But he never actually answered my question about what had happened between Jake and I.
We’d been on fire and in love and then Jake had become the kind of emotionally unavailable man of my nightmares.
My quest for answers wasn’t over.
I looked everywhere:
- Inside myself and outside myself;
- Chasing gurus and more spiritual teachers like they could fix the problem;
- Reading enough self-help books to go into a coma;
- Watching dating coaches, love experts and even pickup artists (shudder) tell me about how attraction really works;
- Talking to friends and family about twin flames, breakups and relationships;
- Going to therapy and counselling with multiple therapists;
- Trying to start conversations with Jake that just went nowhere
When I couldn’t find the answers and solutions I needed, then the unhealthy coping behavior started:
- Overeating and oversleeping;
- Undereating and undersleeping;
- Trying to addict myself to work;
- Heavy drinking and use of various pills;
- Emotionally bingeing on sad and depressing music;
- Messaging and calling Jake with sad rants that totally freaked him out.
I was not a pretty sight.
Although I will say I looked decent in the mirror, my personality and verve for life was diminished enormously.
Friends tried to revive me, but there was only one person I really wanted to see at my front door or popping up on my phone with a simple hello.
But my twin flame was nowhere to be found.
I was sick and tired of this hopeless wild goose chase and I admit I felt the universe was against me.
What the hell had I done wrong? Or if I was all good then what the hell was wrong with Jake?
Hope arrives in the most unexpected form
I don’t remember what day it was, but one day travelling down an internet rabbit hole, I came across a writer and psychologist called James Bauer.
The guy seemed to know what he was talking about and his advice was straightforward and logical.
I watched a video by him about what men supposedly want in a woman and I admit that at first I was highly skeptical.
He was talking about concepts that I had always believed were outdated:
- Gender roles
- Women being more vulnerable
- The male need to be a “hero”
I reacted strongly in disbelief and shut down the presentation. If this was anywhere near the truth it challenged a lot of my core beliefs.
The “hero instinct”? I’m a feminist for God’s sake!
I consider myself a feminist and have always felt like gender roles were outdated and lame.
I’d always associated defenses of masculinity and gender roles as cloaked misogyny.
I figured it was just the type of stuff guys said who wanted women to shut up and stay in the kitchen.
But I still thought about what Bauer was saying..
Was Jake really drifting from me because I was just too assertive or didn’t make him feel “needed” and valued enough?
I brushed the thoughts to the back of my head and went back on autopilot.
Days later after more listless days at work and a really drunken night that ended badly, I was back on the Bauer stuff.
Something about it was nagging at me. A grain of truth or some kind of anxiety that maybe, just maybe, this Bauer fellow was onto something.
Other men said understanding Bauer’s hero instinct had been a game-changer for them and really rang true to their experiences.
Those men didn’t look aggressive or “bad” in some way, and the more I looked at testimonials and men and women who said Bauer had helped their relationship the more I realized maybe it could apply to Jake and I.
I was starting to wonder if there was something to it.
I went through the list of ways to “trigger his hero instinct” and reflected on them:
- Asking your man to help you out more with typically masculine things
- Being highly supportive and a “cheerleader” for your guy
- Building him up around his buddies and being his biggest fan
- Giving him challenges and tasks that make him feel like he’s “won” or “earned” your love and admiration
- And many more subtle and foundational things…
This wasn’t just dumb macho stuff like I had thought. This was something that made sense.
I thought back to my time with Jake and started to see a pattern.
Our time together had been amazing, but I started to see that I’d always been switched “on” fully and sort of “in my masculine,” as relationship author David Deida would call it.
Bauer was putting my thoughts into words and making it make sense in retrospect.
I’d never let Jake take the lead, and I’d been so swept up in the euphoria of our time that I stopped seeing him much as a man and more as just a beautiful, universal partner.
But Jake is a man.
He is also my twin flame.
I started to really understand what Bauer was saying and decided to put it into practice and test it out.
Testing the hero’s instinct
I contacted Jake and practically begged him to meet me for coffee. It was a windy Sunday morning at a small cafe near the bike trail we’d use to go on all the time.
The flood of memories came back and I had to fight back tears: I was here on a mission.
I didn’t get into the nitty-gritty of the relationship too much, because talk is cheap.
I just updated him on my life, asked how he’d been, and stared into his chocolate-colored eyes…
Where was I…
Right, then I asked him if he wouldn’t mind helping me unload some construction supplies from my car.
One of my closet doors had broken in my apartment and I was replacing it.
“Closet door,” Jake asked, chuckling. “Bit of a wild night?”
If only he knew the half of it…
But he said yes. So he followed me in his truck and we headed to my apartment. I could tell he was hesitant, but once he carried the set of doors upstairs he seemed to loosen up a bit.
He became more talkative and into things. He put the doors in on their bearings and then helped me carry the old ones – with broken slats – down the stairs.
“If you want I can take these ones to the dump for you later,” he said.
My heart started to flutter.
Bauer was right and I’d just seen it in action.
Rekindling my twin flame
After the “closet” incident, Jake and I stayed in touch. We began meeting regularly for coffee and he helped me out on a few household things.
The months went by, and a woman Jake had been seeing unseriously ended up not working out.
I won’t lie: I was relieved. C’mon don’t judge…I love Jake!
It was about two months later that our chemistry began to noticeably become charged on a regular basis.
I could tell Jake wanted me again, and not just on a physical level.
When my car broke down outside town I knew exactly who to text and he showed up out of breath almost like he was sexually excited or something.
My mind was blown.
And our first reentry into a relationship happened right there on the side of that highway with a kiss that rocked my world.
Not only was James Bauer correct, I was seeing the hero instinct play out right in front of my eyes.
All that had been required was for me to learn a bit more about what triggers a man’s hero instinct and the right way to put it into action.
Studying Bauer’s program for just a few days and refreshing my memory on the right and wrong way to allow a man to embrace his inner protector and hero mode worked wonders.
Eventually Jake moved back in with me like we’d been after the first six months.
Something had irrevocably shifted in our relationship and I can’t even explain how happy it makes me.
Looking back, I now understand something that I’d always missed:
Jake was and is my soulmate, but Jake is still subject to the same laws of attraction as other men.
By failing to stimulate those, I’d lost his interest and the passion had faded on his end.
By slowly allowing my twin flame’s hero instinct to assert itself, things had turned around dramatically.
Once I’d seen it happen I could never unsee it.
Yes, we’re all modern people living in a modern world – and I still care about women’s rights and equality and all of those things…
But Bauer’s work isn’t Stone Age at all. It’s actually very open-minded and reasonable. It’s simply teaching us some basics of how men and women relate to each other in romance and attraction.
What the hero’s instinct teaches is just a fact.
It’s very real and I’ve seen it work.
I’ve also seen friends try it out the wrong way and end up in an even worse disaster.
Because the hero’s instinct isn’t about being ultra-flattering, smiley or bending over backwards every time your man snaps his finger…
Now that my twin flame and I have rekindled what we once had it’s different than before but actually – unbelievably – it’s even better.
I feel like more of a woman in a way I never really thought existed. In a healthy, strong way, not a “submissive” or weak sense…
Our sex life is off the charts, our emotional connection is sizzling, our commitment grows by the week.
We have issues like every couple, but nothing that’s even come close to shaking our couple bond.
And I owe it all to letting my man be a hero for me.
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