Mia Zhang
There’s a thin line between being genuinely kind and being selectively nice for personal gain.
The difference? Well, it’s all about consistency and motive.
Genuinely kind people are consistently nice, regardless of the situation or what they stand to gain. However, some folks only turn on their charm when there’s a potential benefit for them.
These individuals have certain traits that give away their game. The good news is, once you know what to look for, it becomes easier to spot.
Here are seven traits of people who only show kindness when there’s something in it for them.
1) Selective generosity
There’s a peculiar trait you’ll notice about people who are only nice when it works to their advantage – their generosity is extremely selective.
Don’t get me wrong, these individuals can be incredibly generous. They might even go out of their way to help you out. But here’s the catch – they’re only so magnanimous when there’s something in it for them.
It could be anything from gaining a favour in return, looking good in front of others, or even just feeling good about themselves. Their acts of kindness are often transactional rather than altruistic.
So, watch out for this selective generosity. If someone’s kindness seems to have an ebb and flow depending on what they stand to gain, that’s a pretty clear sign of their true intentions.
2) The chameleon effect
The second trait is what I like to call the “chameleon effect“. This is where people change their behavior, opinions, and even personality based on who they’re interacting with, especially if they perceive some sort of benefit.
I’ve got a friend, let’s call him Mike, who was a master of this.
When he was around his boss, he would be the most agreeable person you could imagine, always nodding along to every idea or suggestion. But when he was with us, his co-workers, he would often criticize the same ideas he had agreed to earlier.
At first, it seemed like Mike was just a good negotiator, trying to keep the peace. But over time, it became clear that this was more about advancing his own interests.
He wasn’t being agreeable because he genuinely believed in what he was saying – he was doing it because being on the boss’s good side benefited him.
So, if you notice someone constantly changing their stripes depending on who they’re with, it could be a sign that they’re only being nice when it suits them.
3) The spotlight love
Another common trait of people who are only nice when it benefits them is their deep affection for the spotlight. And it’s not just about getting attention, but more about controlling how others perceive them.
People who regularly seek admiration from others often manipulate their behavior to appear more likable and agreeable. In essence, they will put on a ‘show’ of kindness and charm when they know eyes are on them.
This doesn’t mean that everyone who enjoys being the center of attention is manipulative, but it’s worth noting if someone’s acts of kindness only seem to occur when there’s an audience to appreciate them.
4) Heavy on flattery
People who are only nice when it’s convenient for them tend to lay the flattery on thick. Compliments and praises come easy to them, but these are often used as a tool to get what they want.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with compliments. They can make someone’s day and build positive relationships. But when the praise feels excessive, insincere, or is always followed by a request or favor, then it might be a sign of manipulative niceness.
It’s like they’re buttering you up just so they can eventually ask for that favor or gain your approval. So, always be cautious if the flattery feels too good to be true. It just might be.
5) Fair-weather friends
Another characteristic of people who are only nice when it benefits them is that they’re often fair-weather friends. They’re around when things are going well, but when you’re going through a tough time and could use their support, they’re suddenly hard to find.
I remember a time in my life when I was facing a personal crisis. A lot of people I thought were my friends seemed to disappear. It was like they were there for the parties and good times, but the moment things got a bit heavy, they were out the door.
It was a tough lesson to learn, but it taught me the importance of recognizing who my true friends were. True friends stick around through thick and thin, not just when it’s convenient or beneficial for them.
6) Always keeping score
A key trait of people who are only nice when it suits them is that they’re always keeping score. Every act of kindness, every favor, and every good deed is meticulously noted down in their mental ledger.
They have an “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” mentality. They often use their previous acts of kindness as a bargaining chip to get you to do something for them in return.
It’s like they’re treating relationships as a business transaction where everything needs to be balanced out. But genuine kindness isn’t about keeping score or expecting something in return. It’s about wanting to help others simply because it’s the right thing to do.
7) Lack of empathy
Perhaps the most telling trait of people who are only nice when it benefits them is a lack of genuine empathy. They may put on a show of concern when others are watching, but behind closed doors, they often lack the ability to truly understand or share the feelings of others.
Empathy requires you to step outside your own needs and wants and to connect with someone else on a deeper level. It’s about understanding and caring for others, even when there’s no direct benefit to you.
Without empathy, kindness becomes a tool for manipulation rather than an expression of genuine care. So, always be wary of those who struggle to show real empathy. It’s often a sign that their niceness has an ulterior motive.
Final reflection: Understanding the nuances
The complexities of human behavior are deeply intertwined with our personal experiences, motivations, and even our upbringing.
At the heart of this topic lies the concept of emotional intelligence, a key element in understanding and managing not just our own emotions, but those of others as well.
People who exhibit these traits of being selectively nice might be lacking in this area. They may not fully understand the impact of their actions or recognize the value of genuine kindness beyond immediate self-gain.
As we navigate through life and encounter people who show these traits, let’s remember that understanding and empathy can sometimes be the most powerful response.
Because at the end of the day, genuine kindness is not a transaction. It’s an expression of empathy, respect, and understanding for our fellow human beings.
