Paul Brian
“This relationship is getting a bit too intense. I need a break.”
It’s the words that many women are used to hearing. Instead of discussing more deeply or explaining, a man ducks out the side exit once things start getting serious.
This is usually the type of guy who isn’t emotionally mature to start with and hasn’t dealt with his own issues and hangups.
In order to find yourself a man who wants an emotionally mature relationship (and is actually ready for one) look for the following traits.
1) Emotional intelligence
The first trait of a man who’s not going to leave at the first sign of things getting serious or when small issues pop up is this:
This means he has the willingness and ability and ability to understand and deal with his own emotions and those of others.
This is quite a rare quality to find and is highly underrated.
A man who avoids or represses his emotions or refuses to deal with them in a partner eventually becomes like a block of stone, impossible for his partner to break through.
2) Psychological stability
None of us are a perfect specimen of psychological stability, and some amount of trauma and pain is part of life.
But it’s absolutely true that a man who doesn’t have a handle on his own psyche is very hard to get serious with.
The kind of man who’s ready for an emotionally mature relationship is willing to have the hard talks, face the painful emotions and go through ups and downs.
To be ready for that requires a certain amount of psychological stability and self-awareness.
A man who doesn’t have that is going to bail out pretty quickly.
3) Solid communication skills
Communication isn’t easy even for the most emotionally intelligent of us.
Sometimes less is more:
Communication is as much (or more) about listening as it is about talking, after all.
When it comes to expressing his thoughts and emotions, look for a man who can find simple and clear ways to express himself.
Even if he’s just trying to say he doesn’t know what he feels, is he clear about not knowing and honest about it?
4) Good listener
As mentioned in the previous point, being a good listener is a key part of being a good communicator.
In fact I’d argue it’s the more important part of communication than speaking.
The more a person listens, the more they have that’s useful and relevant to contribute.
Look for a man who actively hears what you’re saying and asks questions when he doesn’t understand: this is a man who’s in it for the long haul, not just bedroom activities and the good times.
5) Insight and attention to detail
Next up, you want to look for a high level of insight and attention to detail.
I’m not saying that every guy has to be a genius or solve the enigma code:
But those who want an emotionally mature relationship are going to be self-aware and insightful at an above-average degree.
You want somebody who’s quite perceptive and sees what’s going on around him.
This isn’t something every guy has, so look for a man who catches the small things and cares about them.
6) Fidelity and loyalty
Nobody wants a man who’s a lapdog.
But you do want to find a man who means it when he makes a commitment.
The question, of course, is how are you supposed to know?
Until you get deep into a relationship, a man’s essential fidelity and loyalty may be hidden or faked, right?
This is somewhat true. However if you keep an eye out for details and small signs you’ll start to see if this guy is the real deal or not.
7) Honesty and transparency
On a closely related note, we get to the matter of honesty and transparency.
The kind of man who’s ready for an emotionally mature relationship is honest to a fault.
He’s transparent about himself and who he is, including his flaws.
I’m not saying he’s going to reveal everything about himself all at once, but he’s not putting on a show. He just is who he is: not some ideal, nor some smiling charming image of perfection.
8) Self-sufficiency
A relationship is a voluntary partnership based on commitment and love.
But the irony of a relationship is that it only works in a loving and healthy way when each individual involved has their own secure sense of identity.
Relationships thrive when both counterparts take responsibility for themselves and derive their sense of well-being from themselves.
Look for a man who loves you and wants you, but not for a man who can only look after himself if you walk him through it.
9) Clarity of purpose
This relates to the previous point:
The kind of man who wants an emotionally mature relationship is a man who knows what he wants.
He’s found his purpose in life and is clear on what his core values are.
No matter where he falls on the ideological or political spectrum, he has a personal code of ethics that doesn’t shift and slither around.
He sticks to what he believes and walks the walk. He knows what he’s looking for in love, and he appreciates that you do, too.
10) Supportive and accepting
The kind of man who wants an emotionally mature relationship is supportive and accepting.
When you’re going through a hard time, he’s there supporting you and having your back.
Even when he’s not quite sure what’s going on, he’s willing to understand and hear you out.
This goes a long way towards an emotionally mature connection that’s not just up and down.
11) Showing intimacy
The kind of man who wants an emotionally mature relationship is going to be unafraid of showing intimacy.
He knows how to wine and dine and treat you right.
He’s not pinching pennies when it comes to a night on the town, and when it gets to his expressions of romance, he’s there for it.
He’s not afraid to say he loves you, too (if he loves you).
This is the kind of man who shows up to love you for real.
12) Sex… But not just sex!
When it comes to sex, a man who wants an emotionally mature relationship is sexually honest and passionate, but not fixated.
In other words, he wants sex, but not just sex.
How can you tell?
If you are sexually active, check what happens when you have sex and he’s already climaxed.
Does he immediately disengage, leave, go to sleep or lose interest in you?
Or does he keep chatting, joke around and cuddle you?
To be fair, you can’t always blame guys who fall asleep fast after reaching completion, sometimes it’s just instinctive. But in general, a man who loses interest soon after sex is usually not in the space for anything serious.
13) Appreciative
A man who truly wants to be in a mature relationship with somebody is going to be appreciative.
I mean that he’s genuinely going to appreciate you and things about your time together. He won’t just put on a show about being grateful or appreciative:
He actually will be.
There’s a big difference. If you see all the signs of authenticity then it’s a good indication that he’s in this for real.
14) Willingness to compromise
The kind of man who’s ready for an emotionally mature relationship is willing to compromise.
This is a lot different than a lapdog mentality where somebody will just agree to everything you say or try to people-please.
Compromise is about admitting that sometimes he won’t see things the same way as you and even doesn’t want to do the same thing as you:
But he’s willing to let things go your way sometimes for the sake of the wider relationship, and he’s willing to do so without holding grudges or being weird about it later.
15) Realism
Realism is vitally important in any relationship.
The kind of man who’s available for something real and on the deeper level is realistic:
He understands that no relationship is perfect and that his partner can’t become an ideal or be on a pedestal too much.
He admits his flaws and understands that you have flaws, too.
He’s ready for a real relationship, not a Hallmark channel version of a relationship:
And that makes all the difference.
