Mia Zhang
Growing up with emotionally unintelligent parents can shape how you perceive emotions, relationships, and even yourself.
Their inability to effectively handle or express emotions may have left you feeling misunderstood or unsupported in subtle but impactful ways.
In this article, I’ve outlined eight things you’ll deeply understand if your upbringing was influenced by parents who struggled with emotional intelligence—and how recognizing these patterns can help you break the cycle:
1) Emotional conversations were a no-go zone
Remember trying to talk about feelings at the dinner table? Yeah, it was like hitting a brick wall.
In an emotionally unintelligent household, emotions are often treated as something to be feared or avoided, rather than understood and expressed.
When you bring up your feelings, your parents might have shrugged you off or told you to “toughen up”.
Maybe they even accused you of being too sensitive when all you wanted was some empathy—and that’s how you learned to suppress your emotions, to keep them buried deep down inside.
Isn’t it liberating to finally understand why those conversations were so difficult?
It wasn’t about you being over-emotional, but about them being unable to handle emotions.
2) Apologies were rare, if at all
I remember a time when I was nine: I had just won the school spelling bee and I was over the moon.
Bursting with joy, I ran home to share the news with my parents.
But, instead of the expected congratulations, I was met with indifference; my dad just grunted and my mom told me to go do my chores.
My heart sank.
And guess what? There was no apology for their lack of enthusiasm.
Not then, not ever.
In emotionally unintelligent homes, saying sorry is seen as a sign of weakness.
The concept of apologizing for hurting someone’s feelings is as foreign as a Mars rover.
The good news? We learn from their mistakes, and we understand the power of an apology and make sure to use it when it’s needed.
3) Empathy wasn’t their strong suit
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others—it’s a fundamental part of human connection, but sadly, it’s often missing in emotionally unintelligent parents.
Think about a time when you were upset or scared: Did your parents comfort you or did they tell you to stop being dramatic?
In homes like ours, empathy is often replaced with criticism or dismissal—it’s like trying to draw blood from a stone.
Research shows that children who grow up without emotional support are likely to struggle with self-esteem and interpersonal relationships later in life.
Though it’s not all doom and gloom—overcoming these challenges can make us stronger and more resilient.
4) Any achievements were often overlooked
Ever tried to share good news or a personal achievement, only to have it brushed aside or even criticised?
That’s a common experience if you grew up with emotionally unintelligent parents.
Your science fair win, your lead role in the school play, your first job offer—all these milestones might have been met with a lack of enthusiasm or even outright dismissal.
In emotionally unintelligent households, parents often struggle to express pride or joy over their children’s successes.
It’s not because they don’t care—they just don’t know how to express it.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it also teaches us the importance of validating our own accomplishments, irrespective of external validation.
5) You became a master at reading the room
In my house, predicting my parents’ moods was my secret superpower.
I could tell from the moment I stepped in the door if it was a good day or a bad one.
Over time, I honed this skill to a fine art: I knew when to ask for help with homework or when to stay silent and invisible, and I knew when to share my day’s stories or when to keep them to myself.
Growing up with emotionally unintelligent parents often means developing a heightened sense of empathy and understanding—a survival mechanism, of sorts.
It wasn’t easy, but it did gift me with an emotional intelligence that now helps me navigate relationships and situations with grace and understanding.
6) You learned to find comfort in solitude
You’d think growing up in an emotionally unintelligent home would make you crave companionship and validation from others, right?
Surprisingly, the opposite can often be true.
Many of us became quite comfortable in our own company; we learned to rely on ourselves for emotional support, finding comfort and peace in solitude.
Rather than seeking constant external validation, we found internal satisfaction—enjoying our own company and finding ways to self-soothe when things got tough.
7) Emotional expression felt like a foreign language
Growing up, did your family talk about feelings? Or was it more about the weather, sports, and what’s for dinner?
In emotionally unintelligent households, emotions are often treated like a foreign language that no one can speak.
Expressing feelings, especially negative ones, can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
You might have learned to keep your feelings to yourself, to put on a brave face even when you’re hurting inside.
The upside? As we grow and learn, we can break this cycle.
We can learn to express our emotions openly and honestly, creating healthier relationships in our lives.
8) Resilience becomes your middle name
Here’s the thing: Growing up with emotionally unintelligent parents is tough, no doubt about it.
But it can also make you (or anyone else) incredibly resilient.
You learn to navigate emotional minefields, to read people like a book, and to find comfort in your own company; to validate your own emotions and achievements, to apologize sincerely, and to express empathy towards others.
While the journey might be painful, the end result can be a person of remarkable strength and emotional intelligence.
Because you, my friend, are a survivor—and that’s something to be incredibly proud of.
Embracing the journey
If you’ve made it this far, it’s likely that growing up with emotionally unintelligent parents was a part of your experience.
While it may not have been an easy path, it’s shaped you in ways you may not have fully appreciated yet.
These experiences don’t define you, but they have contributed to making you the person you are today.
You’ve learned to navigate your own emotions, find comfort in solitude, and develop resilience in the face of adversity.
Your journey wasn’t easy, but it was valuable because you’re not just a product of emotionally unintelligent parents; you’re a testament to resilience, empathy, and inner strength.
Take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come and the person you’ve become—the path may have been challenging, but it has crafted a beautiful soul worth celebrating!
