7 things you should never say to your partner, even in a heated argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. But there’s a big difference between a healthy disagreement and saying things you’ll regret later.

Let me tell you, it’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you in the heat of the moment, and that’s when harmful words tend to slip out. Words that, no matter how much you apologize later, can’t be taken back.

But here’s the thing: even when you’re angry, you have a choice. You can choose your words carefully, even when you’re upset.

In this article, I’ll share with you 7 phrases that should never cross your lips during an argument with your partner. Trust me, steering clear of these can save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

So let’s dive in and learn how to argue better for the sake of our relationships.

1) “You always…” or “You never…”

Ever felt the sting of being accused of something you did not do, or always doing something you occasionally slip up on? Yup, it hurts, right?

These absolute terms – “always” and “never” – are often thrown around during arguments. They’re potent and can instantly escalate the tension between you and your partner.

The problem with these words is that they generalise a person’s behaviour, usually in a negative way. This can make your partner feel attacked and defensive, which only fuels the disagreement.

Instead of using these absolutes, try to focus on the specific behaviour that’s causing distress. For instance, instead of saying “You never do the dishes,” say “I feel overwhelmed when I end up doing the dishes alone most nights.”

By speaking about your feelings and not blaming your partner, you’re more likely to resolve the issue without hurting each other’s feelings. Trust me, it can make a world of difference in your conversations.

2) “I’m fine.”

Now, this might seem counterintuitive. After all, aren’t we supposed to play cool and keep our emotions in check during an argument?

But here’s the thing: saying “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not can do more harm than good. It shuts down communication, creates distance, and just prolongs the issue at hand.

When we mask our true feelings with a dismissive “I’m fine,” we’re not being honest with our partner. This can lead to misunderstanding, resentment, and even deeper issues down the line.

Instead of shutting down, try expressing your feelings honestly. It’s okay to admit you’re hurt, angry, or upset. Open communication is key in resolving conflicts and maintaining a healthy relationship.

So next time you’re tempted to say “I’m fine,” take a deep breath and say what you really feel. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.

3) “Why can’t you be more like…”

Comparing your partner to others is a surefire way to add fuel to the fire in an argument. It’s not only hurtful, it also shows a lack of appreciation for your partner’s unique qualities.

I’ve seen it happen so many times in my work with couples – one partner compares the other to an ex, a friend, or even a fictional character. And let me tell you, it never ends well.

In fact, I discuss this issue in detail in my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s crucial to understand and accept your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Every person is different and has their own strengths and weaknesses. So instead of making comparisons, try appreciating your partner’s unique qualities. That will not only ease the tension during arguments but also foster love and respect in your relationship.

4) “Whatever.”

This single word can be a ticking time bomb in any argument. “Whatever” is dismissive, disrespectful, and it sends a clear message: “I don’t care about your feelings or what you have to say.”

Now, I’ve been guilty of this myself in the past. It’s so easy to let this word slip out when you’re feeling frustrated or tired of arguing. But let me tell you, it’s a habit that’s worth breaking.

As the great Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” And knowing the impact of this single word, we can certainly do better.

So next time you’re tempted to end an argument with a curt “whatever,” pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and choose to respond in a more respectful and constructive way. Your relationship will be better for it.

5) “If you loved me, you would…”

This one’s a manipulative tactic, and trust me, it’s not a fair one. It’s a way of playing on your partner’s emotions to get what you want.

Statements like these put your partner in a tough spot. It implies that their love for you is conditional upon them doing what you want. This kind of emotional blackmail can be damaging to your relationship in the long run.

I remember a time when I fell into this trap, using love as a bargaining chip during arguments. But with time, I realized that it was neither fair nor healthy.

Real talk – love is about acceptance and compromise, not about manipulation and control.

Instead of resorting to emotional blackmail, try expressing your needs and desires in a more straightforward and respectful manner. Your partner will appreciate it, and your relationship will be stronger for it.

6) “You’re just like your mother/father.”

Drawing parallels between your partner and their parents during an argument can be a low blow. It’s often used to criticize or belittle, and rarely leads to anything productive.

I’ve learned this the hard way in my own relationships. It’s a hurtful comment that doesn’t contribute to resolving the disagreement at hand.

Instead, it can evoke deep-seated emotions and defensiveness, pushing the conversation further away from resolution and understanding.

Comparing your partner to their parents in a negative context not only opens old wounds but also ignores the unique individuality of your partner. It’s something that can lead to walls going up rather than bridges being built.

So, let’s focus on constructive conversations rather than resorting to hurtful comparisons. After all, we’re all unique individuals, not carbon copies of our parents.

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7) “Maybe we should just break up.”

Threatening to end the relationship during a heated argument is probably one of the most destructive things you can do. It’s raw, it’s painful, and it can leave lasting damage.

When we’re angry or hurt, it can be tempting to throw out ultimatums. But using the threat of a breakup as a weapon only creates insecurity and mistrust.

Look, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed during an argument. But instead of resorting to threats, consider taking a timeout to cool down and gather your thoughts.

Forget about the idea of “winning” the argument. The real goal here — of any argument, for that matter — is to understand each other and find a solution together.

Conclusion: The Power of Words

The words we choose to use in our arguments hold immense power. They can mend or break, heal or harm, build or destroy. And in heated arguments with our partners, it’s crucial that we wield this power carefully.

It’s not easy, I know. Emotions tend to run high, and words can slip out before we even realize it. But it’s a journey worth taking, for the sake of our relationships and for the sake of our own personal growth.

As the famous relationship therapist Esther Perel once said, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” And part of enhancing that quality comes from mindful communication, even in the heat of an argument.

With that in mind, I’d like to share a video by Justin Brown which offers an insightful exploration of why we need to give up on this idea of the perfect partner. He emphasizes that relationships are about commitment, embracing challenges, and growing together. It’s a great resource to delve deeper into some of the topics we’ve discussed in this article.

YouTube video

Remember, our words reflect who we are. And by choosing them wisely, we can transform our relationships into a source of strength, understanding, and love.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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