Tina Fey
I get you.
You want to be in a relationship where you can reveal absolutely everything to your partner and still be loved fully. I want that, too!
But there’s such a thing as sharing too much, too soon.
Before you raise an eyebrow, hear me out. You’re not withholding info to be manipulative or to “lead them on”.
You’re just making sure the timing is right because these things require a deeper connection for you to even share them in a meaningful (and comfortable) way.
If you’re still dating or you’ve just celebrated your first monthsary, here are the things you probably should save for later:
1) Your body count
Why would you reveal how many people you’ve had sex with anyway? Does it really matter?
According to this psychological research on body count, sexually-reserved individuals irrelevant of gender prefer lower body count (ideally less than 5).
While the study stated that, “Most people aren’t asking, filtering early for it, or ending relationships over it,” if you have a very high body count, it may affect your early dating months.
If you’re a woman, and your number is say, 30, your partner might stop seeing you as someone “sweet” and “wife material.”
If you’re a man, you could be judged as a “player.” Too low, and they might worry you’re a prude.
It can even make them wonder “Did I really make the right choice?”
Sure, they may not break up with you over it, but if they’re prude or insecure, they might keep ruminating about it. And this could have a huge impact on your new relationship.
This sucks because you’re judged even before you have the chance to prove to them that their judgment about you is unfounded.
Always remember: You don’t have to reveal your body count—ever!
It’s a very private matter and if your partner, especially a new one keeps pressing for answers and then gets judgmental when you tell them, then you have to evaluate if they are really worthy of your time.
2) Family drama
“My mother is an alcoholic and my father has five other wives.”
“My sister always steals money from me. I hate that b*tch!”
“I grew up in a very abusive home and I need someone who can make me feel safe.”
While all of these things have to be discussed at some point, that point is definitely not on the first few months of togetherness.
According to social worker Patricia Shelly et al, retraumatization is a conscious or unconscious reminder of past trauma that results in a re-experiencing of the initial trauma event.
And sharing about one’s trauma can definitely trigger it. After all, we had to recall our experiences in order to share it with others.
If one does this every time they date someone, they’d just unnecessarily trigger their own PTSD.
Not only that, it can make their dates and new partners overwhelmed.
Always remember: Not everyone is equipped to handle trauma.
Unless you realize that both of you are capable of handling it, telling your story is like throwing a bomb. Unless you’re both ‘bomb experts,’ you can explode with it.
3) How much you make
Money matters and can have multiple impacts on a relationship.
It’s connected to shame, guilt, worry, and power, among other things.
Yes, it’s important to know if you’re financially compatible as early as possible. After all, according to this survey, 38% of couples report financial problems as the main cause for divorce.
But talking about it too soon could make both of you uncomfortable.
If one of you is earning much more than the other, it could affect your relationship dynamic.
It could also give an impression that you’re too focused on money issues, or worse, that you’re a shallow gold digger.
So if it’s so important, when should you talk about it?
Psychologist Max Alberhansky suggests having money talks within the first six months of the relationship.
So if you sense that your partner isn’t comfortable discussing it yet, you have five or six more months to get comfy.
And even on the sixth month, make sure it’s just more general like:
“What’s your most expensive purchase?”
“Are you satisfied with your career?”
Or “Are you okay with people borrowing money from you?”
Talking about specific numbers—“How much do you earn?”, “How much is your savings?”—is uncomfortable for a reason. It makes others feel judged, especially if they’re earning way less than the other.
Save that for later, when you’re both more at ease.
What’s important for now is that you get a general idea. Well…as long as you’re not paying for everything anyway.
Always remember: More than what they are making (which can change any moment), a person’s financial principles and habits are more important.
Do they make a lot but spend far more and have no savings? Or do they have a reasonable income but manage their budget and invest well? These things matter more.
4) Very specific details about your exes
Some people are just not comfortable hearing about your past relationships—period.
Especially if you’ve been with your ex for a very long time, or you have far more exes than they did.
Why ruin what you have now by making them feel a little bit insecure?
Those details are not essential to your current relationship.
Refrain from revealing to them you almost got married, that you made a song for them or made a novella for them…or that they are a successful business owner earning millions before they turned 30.
The problem is that your relationship is still too young and fragile.
What if they have insecurities and they feel like you are making them compete with your ex?
According to author and psychologist Michaela Thomas, it’s all about striking the balance: if you don’t share anything at all, it sounds suspicious, too much and it feels overwhelming.
While you may have reasons for discussing your exes, too much, too early can do more harm than good.
Always remember: How much you want to share is still really up to you how safe you feel.
You also need to check on your partner’s capacity. If your partner can’t handle ex topics or is asking too much, try to be curious about why.
If they’re asking too much, it might be because they want to make sure your relationship doesn’t end the same way.
And if they are avoiding talking about it all, they may still be feeling too insecure in the relationship to hear about your exes.
5) Your ideal relationship timeline
“I want to get married in a year and have children right away.”
While it’s great to be intentional and honest while dating, blurting this out during the honeymoon phase could just overwhelm your partner.
This could make them anxious as they ask themselves: “Well, can I really do it? What if I can’t give them a child? What if I still don’t know what I want?”
It’s too early!
Yes, tell them that you want to get married someday and that you want to have children someday (if that’s what you like), but saying very specific deadlines would give anyone cold feet.
Talking too early about your goals may also make you look like a control freak, too obsessed with their timeline to be considerate about another person’s needs.
Relationship goals are something that a couple grows into together—day by day.
You can’t simply lead with your goals and expect your partner to follow.
According to research, “daily goal progress” between supportive couples is far more important than setting immediate goals too early in the relationship.
So instead of being too rigid, just let things grow slowly for a bit.
Always remember: Nurture, don’t pressure.
There’s already so many outside stressors to get married and have children, and to get this kind of pressure from your partner the moment you step inside the relationship can be exhausting to deal with.
Final thoughts
While following these psychology-based guidelines are proven to help, people are as unique as snowflakes.
So if you find yourself stressing out because you accidentally spilled you want to get married in two years and the guy might freak out, don’t worry.
Someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what and when you share.
You slept with 40 people? They still love you. You are bisexual. They still love you.
You make so much more money? Or so much less than you, they still love you.
Here’s my real take: Take things slow, but not too slow. And if you reveal something “too soon” and they bolt, well…at least now you know who they really are.
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