Louise Jackson
In a world where people can be downright nosey, we often end up over-explaining ourselves.
We inadvertently allow others to pry or question our choices when itโs none of their damn business. Or we feel the need to offer up detailed justifications for the decisions that we have made.
A lot of this happens without us realizing it, and so it flies under the radar. But itโs time to reclaim our autonomy and reassert our boundaries.
With that in mind, letโs take a look at some of the things we don’t owe anyone an explanation for.
1) When you decide to say โnoโ to anything
Maybe youโve heard it said before:
No is a complete answer.
So why then do so many of us feel the need to excuse and explain ourselves when we turn something or someone down?
Regardless of whether or not you have people-pleasing tendencies, saying no can be uncomfortable when we donโt want to disappoint others.
The psychological reason for this is because as human beings, we canโt help but seek out validation from others.
Of course, when your friend messages to invite you out, Iโm not suggesting you shoot back with a slightly icy-sounding โnoโ and nothing else.
But before you launch into a paragraph detailing exactly why you canโt, consider whether you need to.
The point is, itโs okay to say โThanks, but I wonโt be able to make it. See you another time.โ
The same goes for any other opportunity or request made of us. 9 times out of 10, you donโt owe the other person an insight into your reasons.
When you feel the need to justify yourself, you are subtly undermining your right to choose the experiences you give your time to.
2) If you do or donโt want children
A couple of years ago I was introduced to a new group of people through a mutual friend.
One of the guys, who I had just met, asked me why I didnโt have children.
Luckily, for me, itโs not a sensitive subject. The answer is simply a combination of it never happening and not feeling any strong enough desire to be a mother.
But I quickly pointed out to him that itโs not a question he should casually throw around.
โOh really, why?โ, he asked.
For starters, you could be opening up a big can of worms when you have no idea what someone else may have gone through.
But ultimately, because itโs also none of your business.
Whether someone wants to (or is able to) be a parent is highly personal, as clinical psychologist Lauren Magalnick Berman, PhD, reminds us:
โFor some, the intentional decision to not have children could be simply because they appreciate the autonomy and freedom of a child-free life. Others want to devote their energies to their marriage or career, while still others have no great yearning for children in the first place.โ
Whatever your reasons or circumstances, it can be triggering to be asked to justify yourself.
If we want to put a stop to it, we have to be prepared to let people know that itโs not okay to ask.
3) Why youโre single
For some reason, people seem to think your relationship status is something they should be entitled to an explanation about.
So much so that many folks actively go looking for polite yet firm responses to this question.
Itโs funny when you think about it:
Nobody ever asks you why you are in a relationship, so why would we ask why someone is single?
Psychotherapist Allison Abrams says so-called single shaming is โnegatively judging somebody for not being partnered up and not conforming to societyโs expectationsโฆ of being married at a certain ageโ.
It can manifest in impertinent questions like โArenโt you lonely on your own?โ or patronizing comments like โYouโll find someone soonโ.
Thatโs why being asked โwhy youโre still singleโ can feel almost accusatory and feeds into this paranoia that if youโre not coupled up there must be something wrong with you.
Of course, thatโs nonsense. But if we want to shift the narrative, we have to be prepared to stop justifying being single, as if it is the lesser of two options.
4) Why youโre turning down someoneโs advances
Itโs a pet peeve of mine, yet Iโve also been guilty of doing it plenty of times.
Someone comes on to you. Youโre not interested. But rather than politely say so, you feel compelled to make up a fictional partner.
I think because it feels less awkward and an easy way out. Sometimes for women, it also feels like the safest way out.
Youโre still rejecting them, but it softens the blow and gives you a justifiable reason.
But in The Power of Rude: A woman’s guide to asserting herself, author Rebecca Reid explains why this can be a disempowering move.
โThe problem is there that youโre effectively using belonging to someone else as a justification for being left alone, when in reality you donโt owe any explanation at allโฆThere is a knock-on effect which comes from protecting men from rejection and refusing to be rude to them. People who donโt experience rejection donโt learn to work with it. It contributes to a culture of entitlement, which in turn creates a bigger problem of harassment.โ
Nobody is saying we need to be brutal when we knock someone back.
But we also should be mindful of offering up explanations (especially when theyโre a lie) to justify what is our own legitimate choice.
Itโs perfectly okay to say โThank you, but Iโm not interestedโ. End of conversation.
5) Your parenting choices
In the last year, I got a dog. It has struck me how much everyone loves to share their unsolicited advice with you.
You โshouldโ be doing this, you โshouldnโtโ be doing that.
So I can only imagine how annoying this is for all the moms and dads out there.
Itโs funny how everyone else seems to know best, yet thereโs still a world of contrasting ideas about the doโs and donโts.
Lecturer on child development and counselor for parents, Jennifer White says people love to give their two cents:
โNo matter how you choose to raise your children, you will hear about it. Having a family member criticize your parenting hurts, but even an offhand comment from a stranger can sting. Occasionally, the advice offered is a pearl of wisdom to cherish and apply. But often, it’s best to push these comments aside and forget them.โ
At the end of the day, itโs your family, and you get to choose whatโs best for it.
6) Why youโre not drinking
A few years ago I decided to take a break from drinking for a while, and quite frankly I never heard the end of it.
At every social gathering I attended it became an unavoidable topic of conversation.
Friends would pester me, and strangers would probe for more information.
Peer pressure is far from being a teenage affliction. When it comes to certain things, alcohol included, people find it hard to let it drop.
If youโve ever experienced this firsthand, itโs not your imagination. Research has found that in countries all across the world, there is a negative reaction to non-drinkers.
But whatโs the psychology behind it?
Director of the National Drug Research Institute and Clinical psychologist Simon Lenton says we prefer people to engage in the same behaviors as us.
โEssentially, we are tribal social animals. From an evolutionary perspective, early humans had to form social groups to hunt, gather food, protect each other and survive. As a result, we have evolved tendencies to support group cohesion by conforming to group norms and shunning non-conformity.โ
You making a different choice can inadvertently make the people around you squirm.
โWhen you decide you want to cut down or stop drinking, it can be a bit like you are holding up a mirror to your mates that says โIโve decided my drinking needs to change and maybe you should look at your own drinkingโ.
Final thoughts
I donโt think thereโs any point in pretending that our choices are always 100% our own in life, and never anyone elseโs business.
We live together in close-knit societies, and part of having cooperative relationships means sometimes explaining our motivations and reasons for our decisions.
Especially as some of these will impact those we love, and so they may require further discussion. And not because we donโt have a right to make them, but because it can help to aid our understanding of one another.
But other times our desire to over-explain ourselves feeds into other peopleโs misplaced sense of entitlement to know things that have zilch to do with themโ and thatโs another matter.
The more assertive we become in not offering an explanation, the better chance we have of changing that.
