I broke up with my girlfriend Dani about six months ago.
Last month we got back together.
When we cut ties I never imagined I’d have another chance, but it happened.
I’m going to share with you what I did and said to get her back and I hope it helps you get your ex back, too.
1) “I care about you.”
Letting your ex know that you care about them is a power move.
That’s because it doesn’t ask anything of them, plus it’s short and sweet. You care about them, you own that emotion and you stand by it.
They don’t have to ever respond, but you’re dropping this text on them or telling it to them to their face and you mean every word.
Caring about someone is the basis of love.
Letting an ex know that you still care is basically letting them know that the potential foundation for love is still there.
It’s not obsessive, it’s not grasping and needy. But it’s there.
You still care about them and you’re letting them know. Consider your message delivered.
2) “I have your back if you need me.”
Next up is letting your ex know that you have their back if they need you and that you’re there for them.
Now I’ve seen a lot of PUA (pickup artists) and online manosphere stuff saying that being too kind and supportive is “simping” or worshiping women.
Other “fierce women” type sites claim that women need to be distant, block their exes and stop caring about them at all if they want to move up the ranks and be desired once again.
Now, it’s true that no woman truly falls in love or stays in love with a typical “nice guy,” and men often lose interest in a woman who’s too lovey-dovey all the time as well.
But letting an ex-partner know that you’re still there for them if they need you is the opposite of simping or lowering your value.
It’s saying you still care about them.
Just avoid going on and on about it. Say you’re there for them if they need it and then leave it. If they still have some feelings for you, they’ll think of you.
3) Nothing at all (wait, what?)
When it comes to the great things to say to get your ex back (that actually work), this has to be near the top of the list.
Like I said, I do not advise freezing your ex out or playing hard to get and treating them coldly.
But that doesn’t mean you want to swamp them with messages or conversations.
The first two items I put here both don’t include a question or demand a response, and there’s a reason for that:
Key: you want your ex to know that you care about them but you’re not dependent on them.
On that track, you want to deliver the message and also give them space at some point.
During this time you work on your own life, focus on your own goals and care for your body and mind.
5) Learn from the best
In the past I tried to wing it with exes and relationships. It didn’t go so well.
Many of the most crucial lessons are things we learn from trial and error, but I still wish I’d had someone who actually knew what they were talking about who’d had my back.
Getting back Dani was partly due to following advice that actually works about what to say.
Here’s the thing:
I’ve seen a lot of absolutely terrible advice out there about getting your ex back.
If you go over the top or push too hard, the only ex you’re going to get back is being blocked in even more places.
What actually worked for me was a very common sense but powerful program about getting your ex back called the Ex Factor by relationship coach Brad Browning.
Brad has helped tons of couples get back together and he’s all about giving you the tools you need to go about getting your ex back effectively and with maximum results.
I found his advice about getting your ex back extremely helpful and applicable, and I think you will as well.
6) “I’m doing well.”
If and when you speak to your ex, you want them to know that you’re doing well.
This isn’t about putting on a brave face or any of that stuff.
This is about showing them you are OK on your own and really meaning it.
If you’re not doing well, say you are. See how it feels to say the words. Then consider it your mission to make it come true in the next few months.
Life is a rocky road full of some really crazy twists and turns.
But if you can honestly look your ex in the eye or send them a text and say you’re doing well, then you are much more likely to re-engage their attention and interest.
We all want to be on the side that’s winning.
We all want to be with somebody who’s loving life.
Making a point of doing well is sending out a clear signal that your life is doing just fine, and they’re welcome to join if and when they’re ready (if you’re not dating somebody else by the time they decide…)
7) “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think of you a time or two.”
This is a really good thing to say to your ex to get them back.
It lets them know you miss them without being obsessive or creepy.
It has a hint of teasing, but it’s not purely joking. “A time or two” is something we all know means more than a time or two.
But it shows that you’re not focused on being sad or making your ex feel obligated to respond.
Sure, you’ve missed them…
Have they missed you? This leaves it open to them to decide to respond or not.
But make no doubt that you’ve now planted the seeds of this in their mind:
Yes you have missed them. Yes, you still like them.
But at the same time, you’re not obsessed, and you’re willing to let them keep being your ex if they don’t feel the same…
8) “I’ve been getting really into…”
Human beings are creatures of change. We’re attracted to movement, progress and achievement.
We love to watch and learn about those who discover, learn, climb, conquer and create.
We want to hear about and learn how to find that passion and drive within ourselves.
If you want to get an ex back, a key thing to say is to open up with them about what’s motivating you these days.
Tell them what you’re working on.
Part of getting your ex back is rediscovering your own purpose and passion, or discovering it for the first time if you haven’t before.
Knowing what to say to your ex can be very hard, but if you can’t think of anything else, you can always tell him or her about what you’re busy with these days.
I’m talking about your job, for sure, but also passions and hobbies and interests you’re absorbed in as well.
With Dani, telling her about my work and what I was getting into was actually a big part of how we reconnected and started bonding once again.
Learning many things from Brad Browning helped me realize that getting my ex back wasn’t just about some “trick” it was about a whole shift in mindset…
With Dani I went about it way differently, and thanks to Brad’s advice I was able to discover a way more effective (and fast) path back to my ex’s heart.
If you’d like to do the same, check out his excellent free video here.
9) “I know I made mistakes and I own that.”
Whatever happened that led to your breakup, I’m guessing it wasn’t pretty.
In my relationship with Dani what happened is that I became clingy. Simply put, I started depending on her for my happiness and sense of wellbeing.
This was unattractive and also stressful to her as she was trying to hold down a difficult full time job while also dealing with me as a boyfriend being overly possessive.
The breakup made me see how I’d been leaning on her too much, and also made me see how I hadn’t appreciated her friends and her life enough.
The love we’d shared was real, and I credit it with also bringing us back together.
But it was also codependent.
By texting that I realized I’d made mistakes and owned them, I dodged any attempt to play the victim or engage in pity.
I also let her know that I was different.
This isn’t about promises or begging, by the way. It’s more like stating a weather update:
Hey, the weather has shifted. I’m ready to own what I did wrong and try again, but I’m not going to grovel…
10) “What you did crossed the line.”
If your relationship is anything like Dani and I’s was, then you likely have problems going on both sides.
It wasn’t just me being clingy that was an issue, Dani also did some things that I felt really crossed the line.
When trying to get back with your ex it can be tempting to whitewash all this and shove it down the memory hole.
I’d recommend to do the opposite: be resolute in remembering how your ex also crossed the line and let him or her know that while you do forgive you don’t suddenly just want them back so badly that you’ll give them a pass on everything.
You’re willing to start over, but you do value yourself and you do remember how they crossed the line as well.
When we care a lot about someone or want them back it can be tempting to just say what we think they want to hear and be extremely nice.
Be nice, for sure, but don’t simp and grovel. Don’t agree with everything they say just because you think it will make them love you.
11) “You’re special, but I keep wondering: are you the one for me?”
This leads directly into the next thing you want to say to your ex.
This one is a bit of a scrambled eggs equation, because what you’re saying is that you recognize your ex is special and what you had was special…
But you’re also not sold 100% on getting back together.
It hints at a chance, but it doesn’t promise one.
Saying this puts the ball in your ex’s court and asks him or her to qualify themselves, instead of you.
Qualifying is when we speak about ourselves and talk about why we’re good enough or deserve something.
By saying you like your ex but also aren’t sure they’re the one for you, you regain higher terrain.
Now I’m not saying relationships are just power games, but they certainly do involve power in some ways.
When you cede your power or scramble to get back with your ex you become unattractive and low value.
So…don’t do that.
Offer an opportunity to reconnect but condition it on a certain level of hesitancy or insecurity. If they’re still at all interested then they’re going to take you up on the offer.
12) “I’m ready to talk again, but let’s take it slow.”
When you want to talk to your ex really badly you might make the mistake of coming off desperate.
They may still be somewhat into it if they have feelings for you, but you’re still only hurting your own self respect by jumping in too fast.
Instead, indicate a willingness and interest to reconnect, but ask to take it slow.
This is as much about valuing yourself as it is about getting your ex back, and it’s crucial to remember that.
You’re not a low value penny stock that some guy is trying to dump and sell off before it goes to 0.
You’re a high value man or woman who’s willing to wait for love and set standards you won’t break in order to find the love you desire.
I really mean that.
I think that it’s crucial to internalize that you have value, you deserve love and the love you give is immensely worthwhile.
Never sell yourself short. Never rush getting back together with an ex.
Crack open the door and let them walk in, but never strike up the marching band and throw out bouquets of roses just because they’re slowly coming back in your life.
13) “I have a secret to tell you.”
This is a fun one, and it really works.
Tell your ex you have a secret to tell them. Something you’ve never told anyone.
Even if they’ve barely talked to you or cut you off, if they have even the slightest smidgen of feelings left for you they’re going to ask what it is.
They may think you’re playing some kind of joke or just messing with them.
But they’ll still be curious to see exactly how you’re doing that or what you’re up to here.
Why is their ex saying he or she has a secret? What the hell’s up with that?
This is where you retract the bait…
Yes, you have a secret and yes you will tell them.
You can’t really discuss the details right now, but you will say it’s something that’s going to surprise them and be definitely something they want to hear.
They do need to hear it, and they need to hear it from you directly.
But not right away.
They need to come see you and you’ll tell them in person, if they want, of course…
Dangle this out for a few more days or even weeks. Let the secret build up. Don’t answer texts…
Tease and tease until the tension has built to a crescendo. Once they beg to see you in person you go whisper in their ear.
“The secret is…”
If you’re not making out and making up within a few seconds of that I have to tell you that your relationship likely has no hope of getting back together.
Talk is cheap
You know the saying “talk is cheap?”
It’s true. I admit it. Talk is cheap. But it can also be really effective, especially when your ex sees that it’s backed up by rock-hard action.
Dani and I are now dating again. We’re even considering moving in together.
None of this happened by accident.
It happened because I knew what to say and what not to say to get Dani to fall back in love with me and give me another chance.
My advice will do you some good if you follow it.
There’s never any guaranteed formula for getting your ex back, but by following some of the above advice you can massively increase your chances.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.