Marriage is not easy – any married person will tell you that!
But for as much work as they are, they can also easily be destroyed. When we’re angry, we tend to say things we don’t mean.
And our husbands, although they might forgive, don’t forget.
So, here are 10 things you should never say to your husband if you want to stay married:
1) “I hate your family”
Let’s not beat around the bush here – in-law relationships can be TOUGH to navigate, and we’re not all gonna be best buddies with our husband’s parents or siblings.
But that being said, telling your husband how you hate his family or how annoying his mom is at family get-togethers is not going to do your marriage any favors.
Because his family is an extension of him! His parents and siblings were the first people he ever loved in the world, if you insult them, this could cause him to resent you.
So, if you’ve got real issues with the in-laws, sit down and express your feelings, but don’t insult or make black-and-white statements!
2) “You never do anything right”
Another thing you should never say to your husband if you want to stay married is how “badly” he does everything.
I know – marriages can be testy and there will be times when it feels like he’s not doing anything right, but saying it out loud can make him feel extremely inadequate.
It also gives the impression that you don’t appreciate the things he does well (and let’s be honest, he must do some things right otherwise you would have divorced him long ago)!
The truth is…
It’s really easy to let things like this slip out in a moment of anger or after a long day when you’re frustrated and tired, and he somehow manages to burn dinner.
But if you want a long-lasting marriage, learn to take a deep breath and avoid using definitive statements such as “never” and “always”.
3) “Why do you always [insert behavior]”
Continuing from the last point, using words like “never” and “always” can feel like a personal attack and make your husband defensive.
Not to mention…
It’s really frustrating! Turn the tables – if your husband said, “Why are you ALWAYS so moody” you’d find it annoying because you know you’re not moody 100% of the time.
So, he feels the same when you make statements like this.
Rather than attack him, why not look at the behavior and the root cause?
- If he’s often stressed, look at his work-life balance
- If he’s often angry, look at the wider picture, is he sleeping enough? Is he burned out?
- If he’s often lazy, is it because he’s tired? Or is he actually taking you for granted?
You see, behind every behavior is a reason why. So instead of focusing on accusations and definitive statements, get to the root of the issue!
4) “I wish you were more like…”
Ah, now this next statement is a major no-no!
In fact, one of the very worst things you can say to your husband (especially if you want to stay married) is that you wish they were more like someone else.
Whether it’s comparing them to a family member, an ex, a friend, or even a celebrity on TV, all it actually does is make your husband feel like he’s not good enough.
And don’t we all want to feel 100% accepted and loved by our spouses?
If you make him feel this way, there’s a good chance his self-esteem will drop, and this will have a direct impact on the marriage.
My advice? Keep those thoughts to yourself and remember all the good things about your partner. The grass may look greener elsewhere but behind closed doors, no one is perfect!
5) “I don’t love you anymore”
Telling your husband that you don’t love him is a big statement to make.
And it will probably only come up during an intense argument or a period of difficulty/tension.
Because if you say it for real, then you probably do want a divorce!
So, for the purpose of this article, I’ll assume it’s said out of anger.
Why is it so bad to throw a statement like this around?
Well, the goal of marriage is to love each other unconditionally.
So, if you tell your husband you don’t love him every time you guys fall out or he says something you don’t like, it’s not going to make him trust you very much.
If you want to stay married, measure your words carefully.
- “I feel angry and upset right now.”
- “I feel disappointed because we’re unable to resolve this fight.”
- “I’m starting to resent you because of this situation.”
These are better ways of getting your frustration and anger across, without sacrificing the love you both share!
6) “You’re just like your father”
So, comparing your husband to his father (or any other important figure in his life) is not just a surefire way to compromise your marriage, but it will also bring up a ton of trauma for him!
In my own marriage, my husband has his fair share of issues with his dad. In fact, he hates that he inherited his dad’s temper. It’s something he works on so hard.
So, if I threw this line in his face during an argument, it would crush him.
The truth is, our husbands (should) share their vulnerabilities with us. They open up about their past and trust us with their inner wounds.
Don’t betray that trust just because you want to hit him where it hurts.
7) “I don’t need you”
Hey, my strong independent ladies out there – I know you don’t need a man’s help and I support you in that!
But verbally saying it to your husband is not the way to go about things.
If we remove gender from the equation, we ALL want to feel needed by our spouse.
I know my husband can fold his own laundry, but I like doing that for him.
He knows I can assemble Ikea furniture quicker than him, but he likes helping me out.
When you tell your husband you don’t need him, you make him feel useless. And when one person in a marriage doesn’t feel needed, it can make them slowly start to check out.
Even worse, that’s when they might start looking elsewhere, for someone who does need them.
8) “You’re being ridiculous”
“You’re being ridiculous” probably doesn’t sound like the worst thing you could say to your husband if you want to stay married, but the truth is, it’s very demeaning.
And said enough times, it could severely break down the bond between you both.
When your husband is expressing himself or sharing an idea, to be told that he’s being ridiculous is almost like saying, “Your feelings/opinions/wishes/ don’t matter”.
Not only could this affect his confidence, but he may struggle to open up to you later down the line. All of this can lead to a downward spiral which could harm your marriage.
9) “You’re just like your ex”
Saying this statement, or saying, “You’re just like MY ex”, are both bad ideas.
We’ve already touched on the danger of comparison, but when you bring exes into it, it worsens the situation tenfold!
Not only can it imply jealousy on one or both of your parts, but it’s also unfair.
Your husband shouldn’t be judged on his choice of ex-partner – his taste can’t be too bad because he chose you too!
And comparing him to your ex?
Well, that’s an almost guaranteed way to end up in the divorce lawyer’s office! No man wants to be compared to his wife’s ex – it’s the ultimate insult.
10) “I want a divorce”
And finally, while this might seem obvious, you’d be surprised at how many people throw it around either:
- Out of anger and frustration
- To hurt their partner
- To threaten their partner
But in all the above scenarios, it’s never a good thing to say unless you actually mean it.
So, if you want to stay married, stay well clear of the dreaded D word.
If you’re mad at your husband? Explain why.
If you want to hurt your husband? Explore why you feel this way.
And if you want to threaten your partner? There are clearly some issues that need to be addressed in your marriage (perhaps you feel he doesn’t value you or he takes you for granted). It might be worth speaking to a marriage counselor.
The truth is, our words have a long-lasting impact. I’ve seen married couples bring up things their spouse said years ago – they never forgot.
So if you want a long-lasting marriage, be cautious with your words, especially when you’re angry.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
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