Clifton Kopp
Are your relationships toxic?
Maybe it’s them, but maybe it’s also because of your attachment style.
If you have an anxious attachment style, slowly shifting into a more secure one could dramatically improve your relationships.
How to do this exactly?
Start by breaking some habits. Observe what those with a secure attachment style would never do in relationships (then slowly train yourself stop doing them, too).
Here are 13 things people with a secure attachment style never do in relationships:
1) Try too hard to please their partner
People with an anxious attachment style would do anything to make their partner happy.
They’d overdeliver, overperform, and always go out of their way to impress their partner—from the breakfasts they serve to the things they’re willing to do in bed.
Those with a secure attachment style would also try to please their partner, of course.
But what sets them apart is that they mainly do it out of love, and not because they want to be seen as someone irreplaceable.
They give what they’re willing and able to give, but they won’t pull heaven down to earth on the daily just so others would consider them a “blessing.”
2) Hide their flaws and keep dirty secrets
Those with a secure attachment style don’t find the need to hide anything from anyone.
They’re basically an open book!
They’re comfortable sharing not-so-admirable things about them. They’d say “I only have $300 in the bank” or “I got so drunk when I was in high school that I undressed in front of everyone. So embarrassing!”
That’s because they don’t try to connect their circumstances and their mistakes to their worth as a person.
Because of their willingness to share, they form deeper and more genuine bonds with their S.O. and everyone around them.
3) Sulk when they’re not praised or acknowledged
Those who have an anxious attachment style are more sensitive than others.
When they’re not given the “proper” treatment that they think they deserve, they get hurt and offended.
On the other hand, those with a secure attachment style are very self-assured that they won’t take other people’s actions towards them personally.
If their mother-in-law doesn’t kiss them on the cheek when they arrive, they won’t think “Is she being mean to me?”, she’d think “I hope she’s okay. She’s normally not like this.”
And if others are obviously being mean, they simply won’t let it ruffle their feathers. They tell themselves that other people’s moods and thoughts are out of their control.
4) Say “If we break up…”
Those with an anxious attachment style constantly worry that their partner could leave them any minute.
Because of this, it can’t be helped that sometimes they’d say things like “If we break up, I hope we’ll still be friends.” or “If we break up, I will always remember how you tie your shoes.”
Those with a secure attachment style are aware that their partner could leave them, of course—but it doesn’t bother them (at least not so much).
They’d rather just trust fully and enjoy the moment…and let the future take care of itself. Why ruin a good thing while it’s still good?
Besides, they know that no matter what happens, they have the ability to cope.
5) Constantly ask “Do you still love me?”
Unless said in a joking manner, people with a secure attachment style would never ask this question.
They don’t question their partner’s love towards them because they’re aware that they’re lovable.
Don’t get me wrong. They’re not full of themselves as in “Ha, they’d never leave me because I’m the best”.
They’re just self-assured, as in “If my partner is here, that just means they still love me.”
6) Get obsessed with their partner’s exes
There are some people who are obsessed with their partner’s exes.
They’d want to know how they look, how much they earn, if they’re smart. They’d want to know what they did together, what makes them special…every little detail.
Those with a secure attachment style might also be curious about the exes (it’s normal), but only so they’ll learn more about their partner’s life, and not to see how they measure up.
Secure people have very little interest in their partner’s past loves because they’re no longer relevant.
7) Stalk and investigate
Those with a secure attachment style find it silly to stalk and investigate their partners—even if their partner is acting a bit suspicious.
If they really want to know, they’ll ask directly, and then trust fully.
They have a more stoic view on love in that they let go of what they can’t control.
They know that if their partner will cheat, then there’s nothing they can do that can stop them from cheating. And if their partner won’t cheat, there’s nothing that others can do to make them.
This makes them (and their partner) more relaxed and free than those with an anxious attachment style.
8) Constantly monitor their partner’s interest in them
“Does he still like me like when we first met?”
“What if her feelings have changed now that she’s earning more?”
“I gained 12 lbs. Does she still find me attractive?”
Someone with a secure attachment style would wonder about these things for a brief second, but they’d never dwell on them.
They won’t ask their partner five out of seven days a week if they’re still sexy, if their cooking is still the best if they’re still happy to be with them.
In fact, you’d never hear those words come out of their mouths because they believe in their partner’s capacity to love them fully—flaws and all.
9) Demand constant updates
Someone with a secure attachment style isn’t paranoid.
They wouldn’t think of the worst-case scenario every time their partner, friend, or child is out of their sight.
They won’t text “Where the heck are you?!”, or “Message me every 30 minutes!”, or “You’re online but you can’t even send a single message?!”
They trust in their loved ones’ capacity to manage themselves and do the right thing even when they’re not around.
Because of this, their relationships are calm and full of trust… and not riddled with anxiety and guilt.
10) Care too much about how others see them
Secure people don’t give a damn about how others perceive them.
They wouldn’t try hard to impress their in-laws so they’d be seen as someone “worthy” of their partner’s love.
They wouldn’t try hard to impress their parents so they’ll consider them their best child.
And if others don’t like how they look or act or think, they don’t really care. They’re fine being completely themself. And if others don’t like them, it’s their problem.
A carefree and drama-free person has less baggage to deal with. They won’t need their partner to assure them that they’re actually alright, because they know they are.
11) Test their partner
Some people come up with silly tests so they can see that their partner truly loves them.
They’d act bitchy and even push their partner away so their partner can “prove their love” for them.
They’d act happy even if they’re angry to test if their partner can read their true feelings.
People with a secure attachment style won’t do any of these tests. They’re childish.
They’re usually just content with the kind of love that their partner is giving them. And if they’re not, they’d rather discuss it like adults, instead of playing games.
12) Make sure they’re in control
People with a secure attachment style see their partner as their teammate—as their equal.
They wouldn’t want to be the one wearing the pants because there’s no need to…and because they really don’t WANT to.
Those who are insecure want to call the shots all the time.
They feel that they’re more loved and respected if they’re the ones in charge. They also feel they’re smarter, prettier, more lovable.
Only those with an insecure attachment style take pleasure in this kind of dynamic.
13) Act passive-aggressive
People with an anxious attachment style are scared of being direct because they are worried that they’ll push people away. So they’ll just keep everything in.
And because they bottle up their emotions, they end up showing their anger and frustrations in indirect ways.
Those with a secure attachment style, on the other hand, aren’t scared of confrontations (even if they escalate into full-blown arguments) because they trust that their partner’s love for them remains constant.
They know that they don’t have to be nice 24/7. They just have to be real and honest and kind.
Final thoughts
Those with a secure attachment style generally have more carefree and healthy relationships. So if while reading this article, you realize you’re indeed secure, good on you.
Keep doing what you’re doing and remain patient to those who are a little less secure.
But if you realize you’re the anxious type, then it’s time to make necessary changes. You can work with a therapist to uncover your childhood issues.
At the same time, you can slowly change your habits by not doing the things in this list.
Your future self (and partner) will greatly benefit from it.
