15 things emotionally secure people never do in relationships

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We all have that friend whose relationship seems out of this world.

They trust their partner completely and never experience major drama as far as their love life is concerned.

What’s their secret? Did they actually find their soulmate?

More likely, they’re emotionally secure, meaning that they prioritize healthy communication and mutual respect in their relationships.

Unfortunately, not everyone fits that description – and insecurities can negatively influence your behavior to the point where you actively push your partner away.    

On that note, here are 15 things emotionally secure people never do in relationships.

How many are you guilty of?

1) Pretend to be perfect

If you’re emotionally insecure, you may overcompensate by pretending to be perfect all the time.

This can be due to a lack of self-acceptance or a fear of rejection.

That said, no one is flawless, and acting otherwise is exhausting.

Not to mention the fact that, by doing so, you don’t allow your partner to discover and fall in love with your shortcomings.

2) … or to be someone they’re not

Alternatively, you might pretend to be a version of yourself you think has a better chance of appealing to your significant other.  

If you’re type A and your partner is more chill, for example, you temper down your high-strung tendencies, hoping they’ll find this “relaxed” you more attractive.

Anyone can keep up a charade for a limited amount of time, but the real you will resurface sooner rather than later.  

Here’s the thing: despite what you might believe about yourself, you’re worthy of love just as you are.

The right partner will wholeheartedly agree.  

3) Avoid conflict

Emotionally secure people know that relationship conflict is unavoidable.

You can be incredibly compatible and still bicker, especially if you spend a lot of time in each other’s company.

When that happens, it’s crucial to engage in conflict to learn how to navigate it in a productive way.

Insecure people, on the other hand, might be afraid that a fight will end the relationship.

Consequently, you’re inclined to do everything you can to keep the peace.

4) …or expect their partner to read their mind

That includes not speaking up when something bothers you and hoping your boo can read your mind.

Spoiler alert: that’s not going to happen. Emotionally secure people learned this a long time ago.

Unless you explicitly tell your partner that something is wrong, you can’t expect them to apologize or modify their behavior.

Suffering in silence will only build resentment over time.

5) React impulsively

Emotionally secure people rarely succumb to their worst impulses.

Anger, disappointment, and betrayal are all feelings that can make you say something you will regret later.

Sounds familiar?

Here are a few phrases you can use to avoid hasty reactions:

  • I’m really annoyed right now. I need to cool off.
  • I’m feeling emotional, so I’d like to take a breather before discussing this further.
  • Let me take a step back and think this through before I respond.
  • I’ll give this some thought and get back to you.

6) Over-analyze their partner’s mood

You see that your partner is in a funk. You ask them what’s wrong, but they say everything is fine.

Do you believe them, or do you assume that they’re secretly mad at you?

As an anxious person, that used to be my first reaction whenever I noticed that a guy I was seeing was acting weird.

More often than not, their distress had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Instead of over-analyzing their partner’s mood, emotionally secure people focus on providing a safe space for them to express their emotions. 

Additionally, they give their boo time and wait for them to be ready to talk things through.

Doesn’t that sound like the better way to go?

7) Snoop

Given that emotionally secure people value trust, they don’t snoop around their partner’s belongings.

You won’t find them going through their sweetie’s phone, drawers, or wallet.

They also don’t eavesdrop on private conversations. They respect their privacy.

8) Get jealous for no reason


I’m not talking about justified jealousy here. 

If your partner consistently exhibits suspicious or flirtatious behavior with others, you should definitely confront them.

But if your jealousy is rooted in insecurity, you might question your partner’s loyalty even when they don’t give you any reason to.

This can lead to the snooping we previously discussed or to baseless accusations that drive a wedge between you and your significant other.  

9) … or become possessive

Insecurity can also make you become possessive and controlling, which are obvious red flags.

Emotionally secure people aren’t afraid to give their partner space to do their own thing.

10) Neglect their needs

You can’t be in a rewarding relationship if you continually put yourself second.

While compromise and sacrifice play a role in long-term partnerships, emotionally secure people recognize the importance of self-care.

They prioritize their own fulfillment alongside the well-being of the relationship.

11) … or forget about their boundaries

Similarly, they don’t ignore their boundaries to make their partner happy.

Let’s say you need to spend time alone every day to recharge, but your significant other demands constant attention.  

So, you discount your need for solitude to appease them. Over time, this pattern can lead to stress and emotional exhaustion.

An emotionally secure person would put their foot down and ask their partner to respect their solitude.

12) Manipulate

It’s gratifying to get your way. But are you doing it by manipulating your partner?

Manipulation can take many forms:

  • Withholding affection
  • Giving your partner the silent treatment
  • Guilt-tripping
  • Gaslighting
  • Playing mind games

Emotionally secure people know that manipulative tactics erode trust and harm the relationship.   

In the opposite corner, insecure people can be tempted to manipulate their significant other to cope with their anxieties.

Perhaps you’re insecure about the way you look.

If you notice your partner paying attention to someone you deem more attractive, you may try to start an argument or act distant. 

All in order to evoke guilt in your boo or force them to reassure you.   

This creates a toxic dynamic and discourages open communication.

In other words, it’s a big no-no.

13) Resist change

While change is the only constant in life, emotionally insecure people have a hard time navigating it.

Change introduces uncertainty and can trigger their fear of abandonment. 

It can also make them worry that they’re incapable of adapting or meeting new expectations.

Emotionally secure people, on the other hand, understand that change is the only way to grow.

As a result, they support their partner when they want to take on a new challenge, and they’re open to trying new things as a couple.

Here are a few examples of relationship changes that can give you pause if you’re emotionally insecure:

  • Moving in together or relocating
  • One of you making a career change
  • Spicing things up in the bedroom
  • Your partner taking up a new hobby that would cut your time together short

14) Reject all criticism

If you’re emotionally insecure, your walls probably go up whenever your partner criticizes you.

But here’s the thing: as long as you’re in a healthy relationship, they only have your best interest at heart.

I’m a sedentary person. One of my exes was active. He would often chastise me for spending too much time staring at screens and encourage me to work out.

He was trying to push me to be a better version of myself.

However, I was emotionally insecure, so I convinced myself that he didn’t find me attractive enough anymore. Maybe if I had abs?

Instead of sulking or becoming defensive, emotionally secure people handle criticism constructively.

They are open to feedback and, as long as their partner’s comments are valid, take them as an opportunity to improve.

15) Rely solely on their partner for validation

Regardless of how much you love your partner, you can’t expect them to be your only source of validation.

It’s too much pressure.

Emotionally secure people know this, so their universe doesn’t revolve around their boo 24/7.

They cultivate heartfelt friendships, exciting hobbies, and rewarding careers.

By having a well-rounded life, they boost their self-worth.

This makes them less likely to sabotage their romances or create drama just because they want attention.

Final thoughts

No one is perfect.

Even emotionally secure people occasionally slip up and find themselves guilty of the behaviors above.

Yet, if you’re always doing at least a few of the things on the list, you should start working on overcoming your insecurities.

Perhaps you could benefit from more self-reflection, engage in activities that build confidence, or reach out to a therapist who can help you get to the root of the problem.

Only by bettering yourself will you manage to cultivate nurturing relationships with others.  


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