Emotional intelligence is the measure of your ability to understand and manage emotions. Needless to say, it’s incredibly important if you want to have a healthy relationship.
Want to know if you or you’re with someone who’s emotionally intelligent?
Find out how many of the things you can relate to or notice in your partner.
1) They never pretend everything’s alright
Someone who’s emotionally intelligent will be the first to notice and acknowledge when something isn’t quite right in their relationship.
As tempting as it may be to look the other way and act like everything’s just peachy, they would instead confront it before it goes out of hand.
They’d ask “Is there something wrong?” or “Hey, I notice you seem a little quiet, is everything ok?”
This is because emotionally intelligent people know that if you simply let conflicts and misunderstandings lie unaddressed, they will eventually start tearing their relationship apart—even if they might seem quite minor at first!
So they pay attention, acknowledge, and then try to find ways to address those conflicts before they become too big to handle.
2) They never jump to conclusions
When an emotionally intelligent person sees their partner being frustrated, angry, or simply gloomy, they don’t overthink. They hold themselves back from assuming that it was because of something they had said or done.
Instead, they would ask in the kindest, sincerest way they can about what may have got them feeling that way. And if their partner would rather keep to themselves, they won’t try to force out an answer.
Emotionally intelligent people know better than to make assumptions, and prefer to listen rather than judge.
This doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to make guesses. In fact, they might have already figured out the “why” before they get their answer from you.
But they know better than to take these predictions as fact.
They know that predictions are just that—predictions, and it’s better to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.
3) They never subscribe to culturally-conditioned “rules” of relationships
Society likes to tell us that when you’re in a relationship you need to act a certain way.
For example, you might have heard some say that the man in the relationship should “be strong” and”take charge”, or that the girl should always let her date pay the bills.
But an emotionally intelligent person knows that it’s all just a load of bull. Not only are those “rules” completely arbitrary, they also end up harming relationships more than they help.
This is something that I became keenly aware of after hearing about it from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê.
He had explored the world and seen that those “rules” actually differ greatly from culture to culture, and that many of them actually cause us to self-sabotage our relationships for years on end.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way because we’re so locked up in society’s outdated “love and relationship rules”.
So if you want to be more emotionally intelligent yourself, learn to question the things you’re taught about love and intimacy…then come up with your own rules based on what’s truly good for your relationship.
Only then will you become a more mature and more genuine partner.
4) They never gaslight you
Emotionally intelligent people are well aware of just how complex emotions are, and how messing with one’s feelings can bring harm. Because of that, they know better than to invalidate you and the way you feel.
You’d never hear them say things like “I think you’re just over-reacting” or “It’s all in your head, get over it” or even “are you seriously mad at me when I did nothing wrong?!”
Instead, they will let their partner express themselves in full, and acknowledge that sometimes there are just things they can’t quite make sense of.
And when they respond, they will take great pains to make sure they aren’t accidentally invalidating their partner and making them regret opening up in the first place.
5) They never zone out when you share your feelings
Emotionally intelligent partners know how to take care of your feelings.
If you share about how you had an awful day at work, they won’t mumble a quick “I see…” and then quickly try to change the topic as if to shut you up.
Instead, they’d pay close attention and let you share away. In fact they’d be quite willing to ask questions and let you dump all your burdens on their shoulders.
And if they see that you need a hug or a cup of coffee, they’d give it to you so you will feel a little better while you talk.
6) They never make it all about them
What’s wonderful about being with an emotionally intelligent person is that you don’t feel the need to tiptoe around them.
You can freely express how you truly feel without worrying about offending their ego.
This comes from the fact that they’re self-assured and confident enough not to immediately take every criticism as a personal attack.
When you tell them that you’ve been feeling a little sad or lost in your relationship, for example, they won’t immediately go “so you think I’m not good enough then? I’m trying my best over here, be grateful!”
When you tell them that you’re worried about not being able to pay the bills and that you wish things are better, they won’t go “So you think I’m not working hard enough?! You want a millionaire, don’t you?!”
Instead they will happily admit that, sometimes, things can simply be flawed and imperfect with or without them.
7) They never find it hard to say sorry
Emotionally intelligent people have no issues admitting fault and apologizing, even if they do think that what they did wasn’t even a “big deal” at all.
Not only do they know it’s a good way to fix things, they also truly respect the feelings of their partners.
If they know their partner got a little uncomfortable when they asked about something, they’d say “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable” instead of shrugging it off and expecting their partner to “grow up”.
As far as they are concerned, their partner’s happiness and comfort is their priority.
8) They never expect their partner to be always “mature” and “behaved”
Don’t you just hate it when some people expect us to be well-behaved, mature, and sensible all the time?
Yes, we strive to have these traits but hey, we’re all human. No matter how old we get, we will never become perfect, flawless beings as much as we wished we were.
And well, if anyone ever claims to be such, you can guarantee that they’re not as mature or behaved as they say they are.
Emotionally mature people are well aware of this fact, and thus refuse to impose that expectation on their partner.
They will happily step back and let their partner be imperfect—letting them be angry and moody, and then helping them calm down afterwards.
It’s truly a blessing to be with someone who’s emotionally intelligent. So if this is your partner, thank them. Most of all, try to manage your emotions because even if they’re not showing it, it affects them greatly, too, and could even be detrimental to your relationship long-term.
9) They never expect the relationship to be perfect
As I mentioned before, emotionally mature people are well aware that we’re all human, and that we are all bound to be flawed in one way or another.
So unless it’s such a massive flaw that it borders on abuse, they’ll simply let those flaws exist in their relationship… instead of stamping them out to make their relationship look “perfect.”
And because of this, they have more than enough energy to spare for working issues out.
When they notice that their partner seems to be acting a little jealous, for example, they don’t just roll their eyes and expect their partner to adjust. They’d actually try to talk things out and assure their partner.
And petty arguments and squabbles are, to them, not a sign of an inherent incompatibility, but simply an inevitable part of being in a relationship at all.
They’re more tolerant of relationship flaws and challenges because they don’t expect things to be easy anyways.
10) They never make you feel guilty for setting boundaries
Emotionally intelligent people know that boundaries are necessary to have a sustainable relationship.
So if you set boundaries, they’d never take it to mean that you’re selfish and unloving towards them.
After all, not setting boundaries could lead to toxic partnership. If you just let your partner do things because you’re too kind or too shy to ask for boundaries, then it will eventually make you resent them…and this, as we all know, could erode the relationship through time.
People with high EQ truly believe that boundaries are awesome, and if their partner sets them, they’d respect it and see it as a sign that their partner actually does care about the health of their relationship.
11) They never allow you to emotionally manipulate them
While all the things mentioned here could make us assume that the emotionally intelligent partner is an angel or is just being a pushover, that’s not the case.
They are hyper aware and sensitive to emotions—both theirs and their partner’s—and so they also know when you’re trying to manipulate them.
When you act sad if they tell you that they’re going out with friends, for example, they can detect that it’s your way of controlling them so they would instead stay home with you.
And because they’re aware, they will tell you off or not let you get in the way. They’d discuss to you, like an adult, why it’s important for them to meet their friends.
So be careful not to abuse them because they know about emotions and emotional manipulation more than the average person.
There’s no doubting the fact that an emotionally intelligent and mature person makes for a good life partner.
If you see yourself or your partner in this article, then congratulations—cherish that relationship you have.
But even if you find that you or your partner fall short of what it takes to be an emotionally intelligent person, don’t fret, because with enough self-awareness and motivation to do better, you can easily teach yourselves to be more emotionally intelligent.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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