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The ultimate guide on how to get your ex back (11 key steps)

Life just isn’t the same without them.

You find yourself missing them, wanting to pick up the phone and tell them you miss them, pining for the good times.

So now you want to know:

How to get your ex back.

But how can you do this?

For starters, picking up the phone isn’t going to work. Instead, you need to change some things in your life so that getting back with your ex will feel like a fresh start for you and for him/her.

It’s frustrating, and it can be difficult to create some change in your life. But it’s essential if you want to get your ex back.

Here are 11 key steps for you to take to get back together with your ex, even if you’re just taking a break or it was a full-scale breakup.

11) Find out if they still care about you

Before going through these the key steps to getting back with your ex, you need to find out if they still care about you.

This is really the key.

While the relationship has ended, the chances are pretty high that your ex holds a soft spot in their heart just for you.

If they do, it’s going to be much easier for you to get them back.

In fact, that space you occupy in their heart is going to be your most powerful ally in your efforts to get your ex back.

However, if you find out that your ex has stopped caring for you and have made it clear they don’t want you in their life, then it’s better to stop now than let your efforts go down the drain.

In fact, if this is the case, you may well be better off without them.

You have a few options with regards to finding out whether your ex cares about you or not. You may already know the answer deep down. Or you could ask mutual friends for their opinions.

It’s crucial to find out the answer to the question. Once you know, then onwards to step 10.

10) Take your time and give them space

Now that you’ve concluded that your ex cares about you, you need to immediately move into step 10.

This step is the most important but unfortunately the most difficult.

Here it is:

Do nothing!

Take your time and give your ex some space. This is absolutely essential.

There are a few reasons for this.

First of all, you need to take some time to reflect on yourself and the things that went wrong in the relationship. To do this, it’s important to move from worrying about things to just simply reflecting on the good and the bad of the relationship.

If you’re going to see your ex soon, it will be too easy to slip into worry mode.

Secondly, by giving your ex space, you’re also giving him or her time to also reflect.

It may seem like your ex is just going to move on once they have some space. This is a risk you have to be comfortable taking.

Do whatever you need to do to give your ex some space. Don’t call them. Don’t look at them on social media. Find some activities to immerse yourself in to distract you from thinking about them.

Whatever you need to do, make sure you take your time and give your ex some space.

9) Don’t communicate with your ex

This step follows on from the previous one.

Now that you’ve decided to give your ex some space, you need to cut your communication with them.

After a breakup, you might feel the sudden urge to message them and tell them how much you miss them and that you want them back.

Stop right there! Drop the phone so nobody gets hurt.

Bombarding your ex with ‘I miss you’ messages will only make you look desperate.

Give your ex some time to think and stop being desperate.

Avoid liking and commenting on their social media posts and try the no contact rule.

It’s more attractive to your ex to be wondering about what you’re up to and whether you’re missing them, than to always be hearing from you.

Cut off communication with your ex!

8) Don’t give in to what your ex wants

Ok, you’ve figured out your ex still cares about you, you’ve managed to give them space and stopped contacting them.

Pretty soon, the chances are high your ex will reach out to you.

It’s likely to happen, and when it does your ex will want to talk about what they felt they needed more from you in the relationship.

If your ex happens to contact you, don’t let your emotions get ahead of you and give them what they want and tell them you’ll do anything to make them stay.

Never. Do. This.

Begging or catering to another person’s needs can make you look very unattractive. You may think it’s helping you to win back your ex, but the chances are they’ll lose interest again pretty quickly.

Keep your dignity and know your value.

If you give them what they want, your ex will get the idea that they can control you. A manipulative partner is the last thing you would want.

Avoid this by being firm with your decision and showing them how strong you really are.

7) Don’t give too much affection

By showing your strong side and having clear boundaries, you’re showing your ex a new and stronger side to who you really are.

This is attractive, and it’s going to result in starting to spend more time with your ex.

When this happens, you need to refrain from showing too much affection.

Showing too much affection through long messages, consistent calls, and other clingy gestures would also make you look desperate.

Avoid these things and let your ex make the first move.

Don’t act like a love-sick puppy; instead, let your ex wonder what you’re up to.

Without you constantly nagging them, they might soon find themselves missing your cheerful presence.

Soon enough, curiosity will get to your ex and and you’re one step closer to getting them back.

6) Improve yourself

You’ve shown your boundaries, given your ex space and started to spend a bit more time with him and her.

You’re already starting to create some change in your own life by being such a strong person.

Well done!

Here’s the next step.

You need to continue focusing on improving yourself.

Changing yourself for the better is an effective way of showing a positive side to yourself.

Just make sure to change, not for your ex, but mainly for yourself.

Improving other aspects of your life such as your appearance, your attitude and your mentality will help you in the long-run.

Try getting a new haircut, a new style, and change your negative traits.

Work on yourself and be the best version of you.

Let the break-up and the pain you’re feeling at losing someone you have such strong feelings for be the motivation to make yourself better.

There’s nothing more attractive than being with someone who can take control of their own life.

5) Be happy with the life you are living right now

Trying to be happy while wanting your ex back might be difficult — impossible, even.

But there are some simple ways to be happy right now.

Check out the video I created below on how you can actually start to be happy right away. It’s a different way to looking at how to be happy:

It may sound a bit weird, but the first thing you need to do is to stop trying to be happy!

Then, you need to find feelings that you deeply desire having, and make a list of things in your life that already bring these feelings to you.

You’re doing something really powerful. You’re starting to see that you have the ability to make yourself happy.

The key point is to stop relying on your ex for your happiness. You’re using the space you have from your ex to start to learn to generate your own happiness.

This is a super difficult thing to do, but the benefits are immense. Watch the video above and work on it!

You’ll find that when you start to spend time with your ex again, you’ll be a completely different person. You won’t be depending on them for your happiness.

Your ex will feel the difference.

4) Spend time with others

If your “getting-the-ex-back” mission is still not making any progress, try spending time with other people.

You don’t have to date them. You can, however, spend time with them and let your ex see that.

This might spark a little jealousy in your crush’s system and he or she may end up wanting your attention back for themselves.

Jealousy is a powerful thing; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.

3) Ask yourself if your ex is worth it

You might find it frustrating if one day you and your ex do get back together and you realize that he/she is not worth it.

Don’t let your efforts be useless.

Ask yourself, “Do I really want to get back with this person?”

If yes, then continue your efforts on trying to get them back.

But if no, it’s probably time for you to move on and get on with your life.

The steps you’ve been taking here are really powerful and they have resulted in you starting to really change your life.

It’s inevitable that this change brings with it a different perspective.

If you’re starting to see that your ex isn’t worth it, don’t question it too much. Keep on having fun spending time with other people.

Start to adopt the perspective that your ex now need to go through these steps to win you back.

Now you really are behaving as if you have the value. Because you probably do.

2) Talk with them

This step is absolutely only to be taken after going through the 9 steps above.

How that you’re living your own life, you’re happy on your own and you’re starting to create some serious change in your life, it’s time to talk with your ex.

Let them know how you’re really feeling deep down. Share your feelings with them. Let them know what they mean in your life.

They can either:

A. Tell you they still love you too and they want to get back with you.

B. Tell you they don’t love you anymore and it’s not going to happen.

If it’s the former, then congratulations! You just won your ex back! And importantly, the relationship will probably be different this time around.

But if it’s the latter, still, congratulations! You’re one step closer to finding that someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

Whatever happens, you’re ready for this moment. You are a much stronger person for what you’ve been through.

1) Accept the situation

You’ve followed these steps. You’re stronger. And you’re either back with your ex or moving on with your life.

Whatever is happening, it’s super powerful to accept the situation.

Be thankful for this incredible person, no matter what is happening. They have been the impetus for you to grow.

Use this experience to make yourself better and avoid making the same mistakes twice, whether in the relationship or with your new life.

Open another chapter of your life with a stronger heart and a braver soul.

You are a very special, unique and incredible person. Start treating yourself this way.

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Written by Justin Brown

I co-founded Ideapod, a digital media platform that provides commentary on the ideas shaping our lives. To see my latest work, follow me on Facebook.

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