We all want to be attractive, desired and successful in relationships.
That’s why I’ve dug into scientific research and discovered the key.
Here it is:
The one trait that makes you the perfect partner (according to science).
It’s the pheromones, stupid…
Seriously, pheromones aren’t a personality trait anyway, and you’re not in control of them.
Pheromones do make a huge difference, and so does physical appearance and instinctive chemistry.
But the key trait that makes you an ideal partner for someone is not about your looks or even about your social status or what job you have.
It goes a lot further than that.
The real answer gets a bit deeper at human nature and how attraction works.
There are two basic facts to start with:
1) Attraction is not a choice
It’s a combination of physical and psychological factors that lead to interest in someone as opposed to disinterest or indifference.
We don’t choose our initial attraction to someone:
We either are, or we aren’t.
You may decide what to do about your attraction or whether it’s ultimately meaningful or worth pursuing, but you don’t choose the attraction itself.
2) There’s a difference between casual and serious
The kind of woman or man who can sustain someone’s interest for a day or two is a world apart from one who people fall in love with.
Now, everybody has probably been the love interest of somebody.
But having more people fall in love with you than with other people isn’t random.
It’s based mainly on having this trait that I’ll get to.
This isn’t about temporary attraction or sparking someone’s lust for a moment.
It’s about a trait that sustains initial chemistry and makes relationships last a lifetime.
Debunking the pickup artists
If you read or watch the work of pickup artists on the male side or follow the work of various dating coach and “girl boss” type female empowerment narratives on the female side, then you’ve probably heard a lot of bold claims.
Women don’t like nice guys, they like the bad boy…
The more you chase after a woman the more she retreats…
The more available you are for a guy the more he will devalue you…
Never put a man first before your career or friends…
And so on.
Now if these claims were all just completely wrong then there wouldn’t be any need to debunk them.
There’s clearly an element of truth in some of this advice and similar maxims:
Being a nice guy who agrees all the time and seeks approval is deeply unattractive…
Pursuing a woman without leaving her time to also pursue you is needy and low-value…
Being available too fully for a guy without him having earned that availability is not a trait for romantic success…
Your career and friends are also important, not only your love life.
As you can see, the element of truth in these tends to be around the fact that you can’t make finding love the main goal of your life.
Nor can you base your happiness off finding love or being approved of by someone else.
That’s exactly what brings us to this ideal trait that men and women find attractive in a partner.
This is something many people try to fake or emphasize in the early stages of a relationship but soon fizzle out on, leading to bust up relationships and lost love.
So let’s get to it…
Zeroing in on the one trait
It’s time for the drum roll…
The one trait that makes you the perfect partner (according to science) is being a compassionate and kind person.
It’s not showing that you are, or coming across as this. It’s actually being this.
This is the trait that often divides falling in love from a fling and makes you a life partner whereas somebody else is a three month affair or a volatile two-year relationship.
For a true partner, people want somebody that they know deep down is a good person, and also a strong person.
They want someone who cares about others and is selfless in some situations, not only in order to get something or for personal gain.
“The most attractive men all share one essential trait that contributes to their appeal: being compassionate people.”
This is confirmed by numerous studies over the years, such as this intriguing 2013 BMC journal research study.
The same is backed up by various studies of what men find attractive in a woman in terms of her personality.
Compassionate vs. ‘nice’
When pickup artists and female coaches say people don’t want “nice guys” or pushover type girls, they’re right.
Nobody is attracted to a people pleaser on a deep level, because a people pleaser isn’t living his or her truth and is still stuck in a frame of reference which puts others above themselves and devalues their identity.
But being compassionate is not at all the same as being “nice” in the typical sense.
Being compassionate is about responsibility and maturity.
It’s about owning your space and doing something productive with it that benefits others and actually brings positive results and solidarity to those around you.
Women like compassionate men because it ties into the deepest part of their physical and psychosocial makeup.
“Reports of helping behavior were associated with a significant increase in the attractiveness of both men and women as potential long-term sexual partners.”
Why would helpfulness and compassion be sexy?
Well, this has deep ties to evolution and primals biopsychology.
When we all lived in caves or forests and hunted, men often had to sacrifice for the tribe. They also put in work to raise the young to varying degrees, although most was done by the woman.
A man with no heart wasn’t attractive, because he was short-sighted and only in it for himself. He would, consequently, spread such shallow traits to offspring and tend to leave his tribe and his woman in the dust.
A cold woman was also unattractive, because she would tend to do a poor job raising the young and wouldn’t care for her man when he was injured, tired or sick.
Compassion isn’t about being nice; it’s about actually caring for other people, especially those close to you, but including everyone in your extended tribe.
A man who bolts and runs when somebody collapses on the street is inherently unattractive to a female bystander.
A woman who complains about her own problems while her boyfriend just lost his job is a deeply unattractive hag, at least beyond her possible physical beauty.
Being nice and agreeing with people isn’t compassion either. In many cases, refusing to correct a friend who’s wrong or stand up to someone who’s crossing boundaries is actually an enabling behavior that indicates a lack of wisdom and compassion.
Can you change who you are?
The question of how much compassion can be taught or learned through life experiences, versus how much is inborn in our genetics is a deep one.
What is certain is that you can actively choose to become a more compassionate person.
One of the best ways to do this is to volunteer or work with those less fortunate than you and find ways to humble yourself in life.
As long as life is about “me first,” you will go in circles.
But when you find a way to align your personal empowerment with a compassionate and humbled approach to life, you will become unstoppable.
You will also become an ideal partner.