Pearl Nash
Narcissists love to play games.
Why?
The answer is simple: they lack a substantial amount of empathy, which means that everything they do is for their own personal gain.
Therefore, a mind game is just a tool through which they hope to manipulate people into giving them exactly what they want.
Luckily, it is absolutely possible to play a narcissist at their own game – as long as you stick to the following 6 rules.
1) Recognize what kind of game they’re playing
The first and most important way to level out the playing field is to become aware of what the narcissist in question is trying to do.
And this isn’t always easy, especially if you’re dealing with a highly intelligent narcissist who’s the master of subtle manipulation, which is why researching narcissism in depth is your best weapon of choice.
The more you know about narcissistic games, the better you get at playing them.
Here are just a few techniques a narcissist may attempt to use on you:
- Gaslighting: making you doubt your own reality (“You’re remembering it wrong” or “You’re completely overreacting”)
- Guilt-tripping: using feelings of guilt to persuade you into doing what they want (“I feel so down because of you, if you could just do X…” or “You’ve made me so upset, I think I need to lie down! I might be sick…”)
- Victim-blaming: making you believe your victimhood is your fault (“If you hadn’t said X, I wouldn’t have done Y” or “You made me do this”)
- Projecting: projecting their own feelings or mistakes onto you (“Stop shouting!” or “I can tell you’re manipulating me, but you won’t get away with it”)
The moment you can recognize and name the manipulation strategy they’re using, the narcissist loses some of their power.
It is pretty difficult to manipulate someone who knows they’re being manipulated.
You’ve seen through the magic trick now. You’ve levelled up in the game. The narcissist can no longer play in easy mode.
2) Use the gray rock method
Alright, that’s the first step done!
The second way to play a narcissist at their own game is to…
Not participate at all.
I’m not saying you necessarily need to leave the room each time they start talking to you, but I am saying that you should try to master emotional detachment where this person is concerned.
Narcissists can only manipulate you through emotion. Anger, sadness, guilt, shame, whatever it is, they can latch onto it and use it to their advantage.
If you’re as detached as it gets, they essentially have nothing to work with.
“Uhm… what do gray rocks have to do with this?” you might ask.
Glad you asked. The gray rock method is everything I’ve said above summarized in a simple concept.
According to psychologist Mark Travers Ph.D., “Research outlines the gray rock method as a way of overcoming a narcissist’s pressure by becoming emotionally unresponsive. In essence, to disengage from manipulative, abusive, or otherwise toxic conversations, your responses must be as uninteresting as possible.”
He adds, “Akin to a literal gray rock, the trick is to become so boring and unresponsive that the narcissist’s attention is deflected to avoid triggering further conflict or manipulation.”
Bam. That’s the game won.
3) Stay focused on your own needs and demands
It’s easy to say you’ve got to remain emotionally detached, but what if the narcissist is someone you hold very close to your heart? What if it’s a long-term friend or a relative you can’t or don’t want to cut ties with?
That’s where the game gets much more difficult.
To complicate matters further, some of us find ourselves in the unfortunate people-pleaser VS narcissist dynamic. Digging yourself out of the hole of people-pleasing can be an incredibly challenging task.
Been there, done that.
But one technique that’s really helped me is to always focus on your own needs and boundaries. Don’t think about what they want for a second. Think about the outcome you want to achieve in this situation.
Furthermore, Psychology Today says, “To maintain one’s boundaries in the face of pressure from a narcissist, experts suggest never justifying or explaining oneself when saying no.”
The moment you begin to explain yourself is the moment you’re giving a narcissist power. They can twist your reasons into excuses, invalidate your feelings, or take your words and completely turn them around.
It’s vital that you say as little as possible and insist on simple requests (without any apologies).
4) Use “I” statements
The next thing to keep in mind is that it’s generally a pretty bad idea to accuse narcissists of anything. They will most likely flip out, freeze you out, or shift the blame.
If you tell them, “You always make these hurtful jokes, it’s mean and it’s not funny,” you probably won’t get very far.
Try to change the wording: “This joke makes me feel upset and uncomfortable. Please don’t say such things again.”
Is there a chance a narcissist will flip out anyway?
Absolutely.
But the focus of the conversation will be on you and your boundaries instead of them and their sense of identity.
You’ve already entered a more manageable territory. All you’ve got to do now is keep repeating your request.
“Well, that’s your problem,” they might say. “Learn to take a joke.”
“I have a different sense of humor. I don’t like the joke. Please don’t say it.”
“Are you trying to say I have a bad sense of humor?”
“No. My sense of humor is just different. I feel upset, so please don’t say it again.”
See how you’re essentially wearing them down by insisting on the same request over and over again? Chances are, they’ll eventually just wave their hand and say, “Fine, whatever.”
It’s not the ideal situation, of course, but there is no “ideal” with a narcissist. The good news is that you’ve avoided a full-on argument.
5) Understand that you can’t change or fix a narcissist
If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this article, it’s that you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.
Furthermore, you can’t make a narcissist empathize with you. They don’t have the capacity. It’s an unrealistic expectation.
This is why all the strategies on this list focus on emotional detachment and effective communication.
The only way to maintain a manageable relationship with a narcissist is to understand that there are certain parts of you they will never properly get to know; that they don’t see the world the same way; that their opinion of you ultimately doesn’t matter.
It’s to accept them as they are and stop wishing they were any different.
Work with the real person in front of you. Not with their potential or with some idea you’ve dreamed up in your head. Look at the concrete evidence and make informed decisions based on that.
6) Exit the conversation or cut them off
If you can’t see any other way, it’s always possible to simply leave a conversation that’s making you uncomfortable or to cut ties with a narcissist completely.
In some ways, removing yourself from the situation is even more effective than the gray rock method because you’re not presenting them with any opportunity to talk to you at all.
The biggest issue here is that you might feel bad.
If that’s the case, I want you to know that it is ultimately your own well-being that matters most.
A narcissist cares primarily about themselves, and if you care about them, too, who’s left to care about you?
Exactly.
No matter if you decide to maintain some sort of relationship with a narcissist or not, remember to look after yourself.
