Pearl Nash
Everyone will tell you that noticing red flags – that is, subtle behaviors that signal the person you’re seeing may be problematic further down the line – is a vital part of the dating process.
However, there’s a difference between taking a red flag into account and taking it seriously enough to stop dating someone.
The first is about self-awareness and being a good judge of character. The latter is about having the courage to cut things off before they get a chance to sprout and bloom.
Ideally, you need both.
Without further ado, here are the 8 subtle signs a man will be a problematic partner.
You better watch out.
1) He pushes your boundaries from the get-go
You know those guys who just can’t take no for an answer?
Guys who try to persuade you for so long that you eventually give in out of politeness and give them your number just so that they stop bothering you?
Guys who ask you intrusive questions, want to have everything their way, and expect you to go along with whatever they have in mind?
Yep. They’re walking red flags. Steer clear.
Boundaries are an extremely important part of every relationship, especially where romance is concerned.
“Some of the hardest boundaries to set are within one’s closest relationship. One partner can violate the other’s boundaries by disclosing private information to others without approval, not honoring their work schedule, or even touching them in ways they don’t appreciate.”
Furthermore, “With well-established boundaries, though, a couple can thrive. Partners must clearly state a boundary, enforce it by reminding the other when they’ve violated it, and not to reward boundary-crossing behavior.”
So, lesson number one: if a man pushes or crosses your boundaries pretty frequently, it’s a sign he may be a problematic partner. Tread carefully.
2) He’s a love bomber
You met three weeks ago, and he’s already confessing his love for you, dreaming up your wedding, and writing poetry about soulmates.
I mean, why wouldn’t he? You’re amazing. Finally, someone can see that and appreciate it!
I’ve fallen for the same traps, too. Love-bombing is a very powerful manipulation strategy indeed.
Unfortunately, it is often followed up by a slow withdrawal of affection or radio silence, which can have a very bad impact on one’s mental health.
But how can you identify a love bomber in the first place?
According to clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., we should watch out for these little clues:
- The pace feels very fast
- They’re planning your future together way too early
- They mirror you by trying to assume the same values and interests in an attempt to make you like them more
- They shower you with grand displays of affection
- They give you compliments and praise that aren’t really unique to you
- When you try to slow down, your attempts are met with resistance
- They seem to want to spend all their free time with you or message you every five minutes
- Your friends are concerned about the pace of the relationship
If these signs fit the bill, you may be dealing with a love bomber. Stay on guard.
3) He gets easily jealous
Another important sign to be on the lookout for is excessive jealousy, which often goes hand in hand with possessiveness and controlling behavior.
Look, we all get a little jealous sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with that.
The moment our jealousy grows so big that it becomes an actual problem, though…
That’s when things begin to go south.
Why?
Because excessive jealousy signals there’s a lack of trust. What’s more, it’s often rooted in poor self-esteem, which might cause plenty of other problems in the relationship further down the road.
Remember: a man who gets easily jealous isn’t necessarily head over heels in love with you. More often than not, jealousy is a red flag, not a sign of love.
4) His behavior is very inconsistent
You might think that inconsistency is quite appealing. When a man keeps you on your toes, you may feel excited and intrigued, which adds a bit of thrill to the talking stage.
And while mystery is definitely a big part of sexual chemistry, there’s a difference between someone who takes their time to reveal their deeper layers and someone who is just… flaky and unreliable.
The first can be attractive. The latter is simply annoying.
What’s more, a committed relationship thrives on stability rather than inconsistency.
As expert Jessica Koehler Ph.D. says, “Consistency between what you say and what you do is crucial for building trust and ensuring your partner feels secure in the relationship.”
She further suggests, “Demonstrate your reliability by following through on your word. If you commit to something, make every effort to fulfill it. This builds trust and shows your partner you value and respect the relationship.”
It may sound boring, but healthy long-term love is all about reliability, stability, and consistency.
When you know what to expect from your partner, you feel safe enough to relax and be your authentic self, which in turn fosters a deep sense of emotional intimacy.
A man who keeps you guessing is a man who can’t provide you with the sense of safety you need.
5) He doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself
I recently went on a date with a guy who asked me maybe one or two questions during the entire date.
“Maybe he was just nervous,” I thought when I came home. “I’ll give it another shot.”
Our second date, however, was in a very similar vein to the first – he liked to ramble on about his favorite TV shows for twenty minutes straight, but when it came to my own interests, he never asked me about any of them.
At the end of the date, he told me, “I love spending time with you. I really like you, you know?”
“But you don’t even know me,” I thought. “You literally don’t even know what my job is or how many siblings I have.”
When a man never asks you any questions about yourself, it’s a crystal-clear sign that he is so deeply self-involved that he has no space left to take a genuine interest in you.
Moreover, it’s very likely that he only likes you because you ask him questions and listen to him ramble, which makes him feel heard and seen.
Really, he doesn’t like you as a person because he hasn’t taken the time to get to know you. He just likes your listening skills.
And that’s not enough.
6) He loves to mansplain
This one’s pretty obvious, but it’s worth mentioning nonetheless.
So, what’s mansplaining?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, it’s “the act of explaining something to someone in a way that suggests that they are stupid; used especially when a man explains something to a woman that she already understands.”
I’ve had men mansplain my own job to me. I’ve also spoken with men who have given me unsolicited advice on traveling, the female period cycle, and literature, all of which I know a great deal about.
And yes, it was incredibly annoying.
While a man who mansplains may just appear passionate about the subject at hand, this kind of behavior displays a blatant lack of social awareness, humility, and respect for the other party.
In extreme cases, it might even show arrogance or contempt.
Yeah. Not great.
7) He complains all the time
I’m no saint. I complain, too. We all do.
But there’s complaining and then there’s complaining.
What I mean by that is that while some people like to vent from time to time, others are stuck in such a victim mentality that they complain about every single thing that happens – so much so that just being in their presence drains you of energy.
Victim mentality is one of the worst qualities in a partner.
Why?
Because someone who always perceives themselves as the victim of an unfair world will find it incredibly difficult to take accountability for their actions, apologize, force themselves to go outside their comfort zone, and take the lead when necessary.
It’s a bit like having an extra child. Unless you force them to act like responsible adults, they will whine and complain but do nothing much about their situation.
If the man you’re talking to seems to complain more often than you’d like…
It’s a sign he may be a problematic partner later on.
8) He doesn’t know how to give you reassurance
We all need reassurance from time to time.
That’s just a fact.
A romantic relationship is where we open ourselves to vulnerability the most, and so it makes complete sense that we sometimes need a bit of validation to feel better about ourselves and to know where we stand with our partners.
A man who doesn’t know how to reassure you will probably make you feel even worse. And that’s the last thing you need.
Find a man who knows how to communicate his needs, is more than happy to cater to yours and reassure you as needed, takes charge of his life, is inherently curious about who you are as a person, and respects your boundaries, just to name a few.
In other words, find a man who’s emotionally mature. Trust me – you’ll suddenly have much fewer problems on your hands.
