Isabella Chase
A question was posed on Quora asking: “Are there any men that don’t cheat on their wives?”
The answer is obvious—of course there are men who don’t cheat on their partners—but if you’ve been betrayed by infidelity in the past, you may not be so sure.
One reader responded to the Quora Digest question this way: “My dad didn’t cheat. He once told me that to cheat on his marriage would make him feel bad about himself. It was his self worth that was on the line, not his sexual need.”
She continued: “There are lots of men who don’t cheat. If you want to know if a particular guy might cheat, ask him about it. I think you will be surprised by the answers you get.”
But when it comes to fidelity, I think actions tend to speak a lot louder than words.
In fact, there are a number of subtle signs that could indicate whether a man is inclined to cheat, according to psychology.
Here are six of them.
1) He has no problem leaving his phone lying around
Does your guy—or a guy you’ve been with in the past—have a phone that goes with him wherever he goes?
I don’t mean to work, or the store.
I mean when he goes to the bathroom, to the bedroom (just to get something), or to the kitchen even though the coffee table is a couple of steps away?
One telltale sign of a person who is cheating on their partner is if they’re very protective of their smartphone and other technology, says licensed clinical social worker Steve Carleton.
“[They’re] either keeping them hidden or utilizing security measures like excessive passwords, fingerprint technology, and encrypted apps. If your partner is less inclined to cheat, they may be more laid back.”
The reason they can’t be bothered to hide anything is because they don’t have anything to hide, says Carleton.
“They are likely to be more relaxed with how they use their devices and not worry about someone accessing information that they don’t want to be seen. If their partner has questions or requests regarding phone use, they are willing to be compliant and share details without hesitation.”
2) He has a selfless approach to the relationship
Many men—and women, too—might make excuses for having cheated in the past on someone. Or about cheating in general.
They might say something like he was closely working with someone on a project at work and it “just happened.”
Or he felt unloved and unappreciated with the partner he was with.
So when he coincidently came across an old girlfriend in a bar, well, one thing led to another.
It doesn’t matter what the “why” behind cheating is, at the end of the day cheating is a form of selfishness and poor impulse control, says Jeff Yoo, LMFT, who is a marriage and family therapist at the Moment of Clarity Health Center.
Yoo says that people who display narcissistic tendencies or those who have a habit of stonewalling their spouse or checking out of the relationship could be at a higher risk of cheating because of a lack of compassion, empathy, and outgoing respect.
“People who are narcissistic are more likely to engage in infidelity,” adds Kelly Campbell, PhD, who is a professor of psychology at California State University.
3) He has boundaries with others because he’s bound (but in a good way!) to you
According to infidelity statistics on Trustify, 36 percent of men and women admit to having an affair with a coworker.
Many men tend to say that the affair “just happened” and “one thing led to another.”
What they’re actually saying is that they don’t have good boundaries.
A man who would never cheat on his partner will always uphold and maintain good boundaries, says Ginelle Testa from Bolde.
“If a coworker has his number for work reasons but calls after hours, he wouldn’t pick up because he knows that he has to hold that boundary,” she says. “Doing so makes it much less likely that he’ll cheat.”
He also doesn’t have any old lovers coming out of the woodwork.
“He doesn’t have a bunch of old girlfriends and boyfriends lying around in his life,” adds Testa. “He’s closed those doors and isn’t in communication with them anymore. He won’t be cheating with those people and this also signifies that he isn’t interested in having ties to anyone other than you.”
4) He’s flirty-flirty—but only with you
I know an older couple through my sister-in-law’s family. I see them at any wedding, engagement party, or birthday party on her side of the family.
This couple is in their sixties and have been married for many years.
I have observed them many times and I have to say that the way the husband looks at his wife is quite something.
It’s obvious he thinks he’s the luckiest man in the world to be with her.
He’s always very enthusiastic when he dances with his wife and they seem to be oblivious to anyone else around them.
They’re in their own little world where all they see is each other.
He’s always flirting with her.
Sometimes she flirts back and other times she pretends to be annoyed even though it’s obvious she likes it.
I think being flirty with one you’re with—no matter how many years you’ve been together—is a beautiful thing.
If you stay interested and inspired by each other, your eyes will never wander.
5) He knows that he can’t be complacent if he wants to be part of a couple
People who are in a long-term relationship know that every day isn’t lovey-dovey.
They know that they have to have their skin in the game—and I don’t mean just sexually speaking.
Becoming complacent is a recipe for a crumbling relationship, says Yoo.
“All humans need to take care of their relationships like they do their health and appearances,” he says. “Groom the heart of the one you love.”
This means learning and acting on your partner’s love language, having regular date nights, and growing together instead of expecting them to remain the same.
People change and your relationship has to be regularly nurtured so that it can evolve with that change.
6) He knows he doesn’t want to risk losing you
Another Quora user posed the following question (can you tell I’m a regular scroller of the site?): “Is there not a man who has cheated on his wife? Can someone really love for a lifetime?
One man responded that he and his wife have been friends for three decades.
Before being with each other, they were married to other people and they were both cheated on.
“We became a couple completely by accident,” he explains. “We have been together 18 years and married 12.”
He says the two of them come and go as they please and they have never had an argument. “I have stayed out bar hopping with my buddies until the sun rises and we laugh about it. She has done the same.”
He says there is absolutely nothing and no one worth cheating on his wife with.
“Whatever excitement or pleasure that can be derived from a clandestine affair pales in comparison to what I have at home.”
He says opportunities to cheat have certainly come his way and he knows that his wife has had “options” as well.
“I simply can’t find a good reason why I’d stray. I don’t see the payoff,” he emphasizes. “There is everything to lose and nothing to gain.”
Men who don’t cheat are well aware of this and their behavior and attitude reflects that.
