Are you dating a guy that you are wondering if you can trust? Does something just seem a bit off? If so read on to see if you recognize any of these sneaky behaviors.
1) They have two phones (or keep heading to the bathroom at odd times)
Back in the day, this was the number one way to tell if a man was up to something. Unless they really needed another for work.
Phones have become more versatile and it’s possible to have locked chats in WhatsApp, and even two different accounts for the same app (at least with Samsung phones, but probably other models too).
Still, the guilty person usually wants to keep the evidence safe.
So if they don’t have two phones but they always take the phone to the bathroom with them and every other random place they go, and they never let you see it, the chances are that they are hiding something. (Or they just love texting on the toilet!)
2) They let you pay for everything and make excuses for why they can’t work
Just today on Facebook I saw an old acquaintance who had been treated badly by her man. One of the things he did was not work for ages, whilst spending his money on drugs. And then he cheated on her.
Everyone can experience hard times in life and they may find themselves unemployed. And addictions are real problems too.
But if you know that they are reasonably fit and healthy and refuse to work, and then discover that they are spending your money on things like drugs or gambling, it is time to either give this man a serious ultimatum, (like go to rehab, get clean and get a job) or kick him out the door!
3) They love bomb you then go all distant
Love bombing feels great, doesn’t it? At least in those initial phases where they just can’t get enough of you. They’ll do anything for you, be at any place at any time, just to please you. They’ll tell you how wonderful, special, and beautiful you are.
Some men are just lovely that way and it’s something that will continue in the relationship. But other men do this as a way to weave you into their web of deceit. And once you’re hooked, they start to back off.
This can be a sign of many personality types from the avoidant attachment style, (problematic but usually not an intentional pattern), to a full-blown narcissist or person with ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder).
4) They are always jealous
Jealousy can stem from many reasons, and it’s good to do your best to make people feel secure and that you are a person who can be trusted. But if you’ve done all that and have given them no reason not to trust you, beware! This could be a warning sign.
My old housemate was pathologically jealous of his girlfriend. And his friends and I knew the reason. It was because he was often cheating on her!
In many cases, someone who is insanely jealous for no reason is doing it because they actually don’t trust themselves.
And while they’ll excuse their own bad behavior (and perhaps subconsciously doing it as a badly adapted self-defense mechanism), they’ll distrust you and condemn you when you haven’t done anything wrong.
5) They keep their plans vague so you never quite know what is going on
I have a friend that I’ve known for a long time. He is a good friend but not a great boyfriend. When he entered into his current relationship, the agreement was that the relationship was polyamorous. But after a couple of years, his girlfriend changed her mind about this.
In his mind, this was a betrayal of their contract, and so he feels no guilt about continuing to at least have an open relationship when he wants to. Yes I know, questionable morals! Like the other sneaky men.
So he manages this by keeping his life plans generally vague. By applying vagueness to everything he does, on the odd occasion that he wants to see another girl, it’s easier for him to lie and get away with it.
6) They are always checking out other women
Another female friend of mine dated a guy who we’ll call Zane. She met Zane at the beach. He was very admiring and crazy about her. But she noticed that he always seemed to be checking out other girls. Even when sitting at the bar he would position himself so that he could see a particular group of girls, or a specific girl.
At first, my friend wondered if she was just imagining things. And to be honest I wondered the same thing. After a while, she confronted him about it. At first, he said things like ‘I’m just really interested in people, I look at everyone’. But it wasn’t long before it was easy to see that ‘everyone’ was more like hot girls in bikinis.
Still, she continued to trust him and not be jealous, but the theme just kept recurring. Even when they weren’t on the beach.
She confronted him again and he admitted that he had gotten into trouble for the same thing with his exes. And she realized these women had been younger than her, and so more willing to put up with his bad behavior. At least at first.
Eventually, he got more sneaky and things descended to a point where she had to break up with him.
As always, there’s a line between paranoia and truth, but if you’re getting bad vibes and you’re usually a secure person, the chances are that your partner is being sneaky.
7) They abandon you or threaten to break up regularly
This one is particularly bad, and beginning to cross the line from sneaky to downright mean.
Narcissists and other traumatized men have done this to me. Everything seems fine and then the next minute your lover or boyfriend is gone! They’ll have a seemingly reasonable reason for why they disappeared on you, but after a while, it just doesn’t add up.
And after that, they will escalate it by frequently breaking up with you before trying to get you back.
In my view, it’s a way of asserting dominance, while coming from a place of deep insecurity. It can also be a way to keep your emotions heightened, through a push-pull dynamic that is designed to keep you hooked. If you notice this pattern, get out!
8) They don’t treat their friends well
It sounds like cliche advice, but we can easily find ourselves blind to this when we first get to know someone. The advice is this – see how they treat others, because eventually, this will be how they treat you.
‘My first narcissist’ (as I like to call him – both have made appearances in this article!) gave me the first clue that he couldn’t be trusted, by intentionally telling his best friend that he would meet her somewhere when he was actually going to be somewhere else. And he knew that she would find out that he had lied.
I thought this was really odd, it was like he wanted her to find out that he couldn’t be trusted. Much later on, I found out that they had dated briefly before she ended things, and it was his way of showing superiority.
Narcissist No. 2 would get really angry with random people, and also was very demanding of his friends, whilst not seeming to care about their feelings. Eventually, this was how he treated me, only worse.
The old adage is true! The way he treats others will be the way he treats you, once the shine has worn off.