Having kids and being married isn’t the grand be-all-and-end-all: there are other ways of living today.
But are you feeling pressure about your relationship and child status as a single woman at 40?
This is the brutal truth about being a single woman at 40.
1) Yes, there is societal pressure
Now: some parents and families are worse than others when it comes to piling pressure on their kids about what they want for them.
Unfortunately, many families will continue to probe at their single and childless children for many years – wondering when things are going to change.
There is often an expectation that women will eventually seek out these life embellishments and that they’re just experiencing a delayed desire.
If you’re a single woman at 40, this might resonate.
Do you find yourself being quizzed on when you’ll be giving your parents grandkids and when they’ll need to buy a new hat for your wedding?
They’ll likely say these things in a light-hearted manner, but you know deep down they mean it.
But here’s the thing:
By 40, many women are definitive about what they want. For more and more women, it’s that there isn’t the intention to fill their lives with a partner or an army of children.
I can think of many people like this, who know for a fact they won’t budge on this.
It’s their non-negotiables.
Their minds are made up and questions about when they’re getting hitched are infuriating and damn right insulting.
Questions like these suggest there is a lack in a woman’s life when, truth is, they’re already totally whole.
A man and children aren’t needed to make a woman whole: a woman is enough just as she is.
Now: while some women who are single might be open to dating and having a partner, having children might be a definite no-no because of their lifestyle.
Their lifestyles could include traveling each month, having high-pressure jobs that require them to work late hours, or they might have incredibly active social lives they’re not willing to give up.
These are all fulfilling ways of living.
Yet society stigmatizes women who are without a partner and a child at 40.
But why is this?
It’s limited thinking and ignorance to other ways of being. It’s not thinking for yourself and allowing society to govern what you should do with your life and when.
Don’t fall into this trap: instead respect that if a woman has decided to live alone without a partner and children, it’s very likely they’re doing so happily and they don’t have any intentions to change it.
After all, life being single and pressureless is without its complications.
As Nato Lagidze writes for Ideapod, life is as simple as you make it when it’s on your terms. She says:
“You get up, slowly make your breakfast, dress based on your preferences, and plan to spend the rest of the day productively. Or rest, have fun, and enjoy the benefits of being alone because you don’t have any responsibilities.”
It doesn’t sound half bad, does it?
There’s no screaming and demanding kids, and no lazy husband who’s driving you up the wall. Of course there are great bits to having kids and a husband – but, let’s be honest, this is part of it too.
2) You can focus on your personal growth
All of this time without kids and a man hanging off of you means you can focus on number one: yourself.
And the good news?
Within that time, you can direct your energy to your personal growth in any way you like.
You can make a point of finding and following your life purpose, rather than concentrating on others’ life purposes. It’s inevitable the energy is directed away from you when you enter into a partnership with someone or bring little ones into the world.
So how can you work on your personal growth?
Begin with yourself. Stop searching for external fixes to sort out your life, deep down, you know this isn’t working.
And that’s because until you look within and unleash your personal power, you’ll never find the satisfaction and fulfillment you’re searching for.
I learned this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. His life mission is to help people restore balance to their lives and unlock their creativity and potential. He has an incredible approach that combines ancient shamanic techniques with a modern-day twist.
In his excellent free video, Rudá explains effective methods to achieving whatever you set your intention on.
So if you want to build a better relationship with yourself, unlock your endless potential, and put passion at the heart of everything you do, start now by checking out his genuine advice.
If you’re single at 40, you’ll also have all the time in the world for self-care – it doesn’t have to be limited to ten minutes a night once a week, but you can take hours for yourself every evening to do things that make you feel good.
This could include:
- Making art
- Dancing or exercise classes
- Taking a long bath and journaling
- Joining at empowering workshops
You can literally do what you please, when you want – all in the name of making you feel good.
3) You’ll have time for your friends
None of us have the intention of dropping our friends when a guy comes on the scene, but let’s be honest: when we’re in relationships, this person usually becomes our world very quickly.
In my experience, this has always been the case.
In relationships, I’m aware I definitely don’t call friends up as frequently as I would; my time is given to my lover and it takes away from nurturing friendships.
Now: throw into the mix a bunch of children and it equals literally no time for your friends.
OK, that’s extreme, but let’s be real:
As much as we like to think we can do it all, something does eventually have to give. When you have a husband and kids, it’s usually the time spent with friends.
It will be hard to squeeze in going for a glass of wine or popping to an exercise class like you could when you were free and single.
On the other hand, if you’re single at 40, you have bags of time to spend on your social life.
This time can be used for maintaining friendships, meeting new people through work or other friends, and meeting people while traveling.
There’s no restriction for what your social life could look like and no reason it has to shrink because you’ve hit 40.
If you spent your thirties in a relationship that didn’t work out and you’ve had to move away and start your new life, know that there are loads of people that are in a similar boat to you.
The best thing you can do is to put yourself out there to meet new people. You could:
- Take up a hobby
- Join a group travel tour
- Start taking a new educational class
Better yet, it doesn’t have to be that you only connect with people in the same situation as you either – make a point of getting to know people of all ages to help you grow your perspective on life.
Create your own standard for what life at 40 looks like!
4) You’ll contemplate your decision about kids
So I’ve spoken about the benefits of not having kids and being married… if you’re single at 40 and without children, you probably agree. But that doesn’t mean the question of whether kids are right for you won’t come to mind occasionally.
You’ll probably end up contemplating it time and time again because other people fire it at you.
It will get you thinking: ‘wait, should I want kids?’
It’s a question Ideapod co-founder Justin Brown has been asked to think about a lot.
When he hit 40, he found that loads of people were quizzing him on whether he’d ever want to have kids – so he took some time to contemplate the question.
He talks about it in this free video.
Here’s a snippet from the 10-minute video that will get you thinking:
“When it comes to the desire to think about kids, it’s something we’re programmed with from a very young age. It feels like that’s what society wants of us… But does that desire to have kids really come from within or does it come from external pressures? In my own case, I thought deeply about it and I realized it’s just not that important for me.”
What does this mean for you?
It’s necessary to reflect on whether it’s truly your desire to have children or whether it’s something you think you should be doing, in line with social expectations.
Do you feel lost and like you don’t know what it is you truly want?
It doesn’t have to be this way.
When I felt the most lost in life, I was introduced to an unusual free breathwork video created by the shaman, Rudá Iandê, which focuses on dissolving stress and boosting inner peace.
My relationship was failing, I felt tense all the time. My self-esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. I’m sure you can relate – heartbreak does little to nourish the heart and soul.
I had nothing to lose, so I tried this free breathwork video, and the results were incredible.
But before we go any further, why am I telling you about this?
I’m a big believer in sharing – I want others to feel as empowered as I do. And, if it worked for me, it could help you too.
Rudá hasn’t just created a bog-standard breathing exercise – he’s cleverly combined his many years of breathwork practice and shamanism to create this incredible flow – and it’s free to take part in.
If you feel a disconnect with yourself due to a lack of clarity on direction, I’d recommend checking out Rudá’s free breathwork video.
5) You’re free and without obligations
In his incredibly honest and eye-opening video, Justin talks about the brutal truth of marriage.
Whether it’s a service that takes place in the church or a ceremony that happens in the woods, Justin highlights that often marriage includes vows that say you’ll stay with that person until death – no matter what happens.
He sees this as problematic. I mean, you’re literally signing a contract that says: I declare I’ll never change my mind about you. He says:
“It can happen that we can grow apart and the problem I have with marriage is that it creates an unhealthy standard by which we feel like we need to judge the success of our relationships.”
Rather than getting hitched and signing away your sense of individuality, Justin says it’s important to preserve a sense of freedom.
This sense of freedom can be preserved by choosing to stay single and not marry. That way, you’re free of being legally bound to another person.
I’ve seen first-hand the sort of mess divorce results in when people are bickering over who owns what while suing one another, and it sure ain’t pretty.
It might be that you want to date people, but that doesn’t have to culminate in marriage.
In his video, Justin explains that if he was with a partner that placed a great importance on marriage then, perhaps, it is something he might be open to considering – yet it’s not something that, deep down, drives him.
Just like the question of whether you really want kids, take time to sit with your thoughts and look at whether marriage is something that you personally feel particularly aligned to or whether it’s society governing your decision.
That brings me to the question:
Have you ever asked yourself why love is so hard?
Why can’t it be how you imagined growing up? Or at least make some sense…
When you’re dealing with big questions like marriage, it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way that ends up stabbing us in the back.
We get stuck in awful relationships or empty encounters, never really finding what we’re looking for and continuing to feel horrible about things like being single at 40.
We fall in love with an ideal version of someone instead of the real person.
We try to “fix” our partners and end up destroying relationships.
We try to find someone who “completes” us, only to fall apart with them next to us and feel twice as bad.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.
While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find and nurture love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution on whether I should one day marry or not.
If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.
I guarantee you will not be disappointed.
6) You get to do what you want with the money you earn
Being single at 40, means what you earn, you keep.
As Nato Lagidze writes for Ideapod the cold, harsh truth is that when you’re married to someone, it’s unlikely you won’t run into money politics.
“Have you ever heard anything about money-killing marriage issues? If you haven’t, you should know that no matter how much you adore your partner, you’re likely to experience money-related problems at some stage of your relationship.”
Why? Because half of what’s yours is theirs. It stops being ‘I’ and ‘me’ in a relationship and it becomes ‘we’ and ‘ours’.
Now: if you’re earning more than your partner, chances are it’ll likely cause resentment and bitterness in the relationship. You’ll want them to get off their backside and earn more money.
On the other hand, if they’re bringing home the bacon then you’ll quite possibly feel indebted to them and feel like you owe them something.
No doubt, being married and sharing your finances will cause difficulties.
If kids are also on the scene, then your earnings will be made to stretch even further. There will be the obligation of paying for children’s clothes, food and living expenses alongside your own.
It makes a strong case for embracing singledom as a 40-year-old woman.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.