Kindness is amazing. I’m sure we can all agree on that one.
However, just like every blossoming tree has its shadow, even kindness has its disadvantages – namely, someone with a kind heart might easily let other people walk all over them.
You want to help out and make everyone as happy as possible, right? Well, if you don’t know when to stop or how to gauge another person’s true character, this kind heart of yours may be your downfall, at least where your mental well-being is concerned.
Fortunately, it is possible to both have an incredibly kind heart and also *not* be a pushover.
And these are the 6 signs you’re exactly like that.
1) You can set strong boundaries
According to Psychology Today, “Setting boundaries means, first of all, knowing what one wants and expects from the people in their life, and what they’ll accept from them—and then clearly, concisely, and calmly stating those ground rules.”
Sounds easy enough, right?
Except plenty of people struggle with it – especially if they’re so kind that the people in their life are used to getting what they want and having everything their way.
Seriously, if there’s one thing I wish every kind person knew, it’s that boundaries aren’t bad. They’re not unkind.
On the contrary, they are a tool that helps you care for your mental well-being in such a way that you are more able to show up for your loved ones as the best and most authentic version of yourself.
If you’re kinder to yourself by prioritizing and voicing your needs, you won’t have to pour from an empty cup.
Really, it’s a win-win situation.
2) You have an inherent sense of respect for others and for yourself
Respect is the foundation of kindness.
After all, why are you so kind to that stranger on the street? Because you respect their inherent humanity and empathize with them even though you don’t know them properly.
Why do you never try to push or bend other people’s boundaries? Because you respect that they have limits and want them to feel safe and comfortable around you.
Well, a huge sign you’re not a pushover although you have an incredibly kind heart is that you respect yourself, too.
In other words, you treat yourself with as much kindness as you would the people around you.
When you need a break, you take it.
When you don’t want someone to push your limits, you tell them to stop.
When you’re not comfortable with certain rules in one of your relationships, you have a respectful and polite discussion about it.
When you crave alone time, you tell your flatmates to give you space for a few hours.
In short, you speak up for yourself (even if it could potentially be slightly uncomfortable) because you hold yourself in high self-regard, something that sets you apart from people-pleasers.
3) You love to help others, but not at the expense of your own well-being
And speaking of people-pleasers, some traits that psychologists classify as signs of people-pleasing are the inability to say “no”, the desire to constantly accommodate everyone else’s needs, and the act of simply “going with the flow” all the time.
If you ask a people-pleaser whether they could cover your shift, watch your kids, or help you with a big move, they will say “yes” even though their schedule is already packed.
As a result, they’ll feel resentful, bitter, exhausted, and stretched too thin, but they’ll still try their best to be there for you – even if it means their mental and physical health will suffer.
You, on the other hand…
Well, you’re different.
Your self-esteem is high enough for you to recognize the importance of your own happiness, and so while you love to help others, you also understand your limitations where your time and energy are concerned.
4) You’re honest about your opinions and preferences
If you have a kind heart but also aren’t a pushover, you know that the kindest thing you can ever do for other people is to show them your true self.
All too often, people-pleasers lie about their preferences, suppress their needs, and omit some truths about their opinions in order to make the conversation more agreeable.
The issue is that while they don’t mean to lie outright, their behavior is deceptive to a certain degree.
How can you build a true friendship that lies on a stable foundation of trust when you never open up about who you are deep down?
It’s pretty difficult, that’s for sure. I say that as someone who used to be a huge people-pleaser and had a couple of friendships crumble as a result of that.
If you have a different opinion than your friend, you say it. If you disagree with a certain decision and would like to try to reach a compromise, you bring it up. And if you dislike someone’s behavior toward you, you call them out on it.
Honesty is kindness.
Well, except…
5) You aren’t a fan of “brutal honesty”
There are different levels of honesty, and they all depend on your use of language.
Brutal honesty is essentially rude behavior in disguise. When you tell someone you hate their outfit, you’re being brutally honest, sure, but that also means you’re being rude and unnecessarily cruel.
If you have a kind heart, you’re not going to lie, but you also won’t go out of your way to deliver the cruellest blows possible.
Instead, you’ll know how to balance honesty with kindness and authenticity with gentle language.
It’s always possible to tell the truth without hurting someone’s feelings. You’ve just got to carefully navigate the winding paths of language instead of saying the first thing that comes to mind.
6) You give second chances, but not third or fourth
It’s completely normal for kind-hearted people to give second chances, even if the situation eventually doesn’t turn in their favor.
After all, you want to give others the benefit of the doubt; you want to offer them enough space to show you who they truly are and where their intentions lie; you want to be gracious and in sync with your highest self.
There’s nothing wrong with this kind of approach.
The real problem comes when you’ve given someone a second chance, watched them flounder it, and decided to try again.
And again.
And once more.
I say this based on personal experience: believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t stick around in the hopes they’ll fulfil whatever potential you see in them.
Instead, look at the concrete evidence in front of you. Is this someone who values and respects your kind heart? Someone who doesn’t try to walk over you, someone who cherishes the energy you pour into them and returns the favor?
Well, if you’re already acting in accordance with these principles…
It’s the final sign you’re both kind-hearted and assertive in stating your boundaries and needs.