Paul Brian
Technology is accelerating at a rate never before seen in human history, and many of us are living, working and playing increasingly online.
There are many advantages to this, and in some ways life has never been better for the vast majority of those in developed nations.
At the same time, however, a growing segment of the population is becoming more emotionally detached from other people on a social, romantic, sexual and communal level.
In this article I want to take a look at the psychological research which indicates detachment and delve into what that means and what should be done in response.
Let’s take a look at the indications that you’re becoming increasingly detached from people around you:
1) You feel less and less
In every area of your life you feel less and less.
Although there may be no discernible point at which you started feeling less, it’s certainly noticeable:
You just don’t care that much, at least not as much as you used to.
The problems, successes and complicated lives of other people are of minimal interest to you.
You just don’t feel that much about their lives or even about your own, for that matter.
2) You avoid social interactions
You increasingly find yourself avoiding most social interactions.
It didn’t start all at once, and you don’t avoid every social interaction, but there’s a noticeable trend toward turning down invitations and dismissing suggestions for meeting up.
You’re just not that into it.
In many cases this has roots in childhood or adolescent trauma that may have led to a pattern of what psychologists call an isolation schema which becomes a type of self-isolating pattern.
“You may have grown up feeling like you don’t belong—like there’s something wrong with you just for being you.
“And now you avoid people and find relationships fake and exhausting, and you feel like you can relax and be you only when you’re alone,” observes therapist Richard Brouillette, LCSW.
3) You don’t really trust most people
If you’re being honest with yourself, you increasingly just don’t trust people.
This goes beyond a vague distrust of friends or colleagues: even your own family and romantic partner no longer strike you as particularly trustworthy (if they ever did).
You have a part of yourself that still cares about them, but the secrets or confidence you would treat them with in a crisis aren’t much.
You’d rather just handle things by yourself and not take any risks or chances with other people, even people you know you should be able to trust.
You’re increasingly unlinking from the kinds of thick social networks that psychologists use to define community and family life.
4) You’re tired of friendships and relationships
Friendships and relationships no longer mean to you what they once did.
You find yourself increasingly unwilling to spend much of your time or energy on maintaining and contributing to romantic or platonic connections.
The emotional labor just doesn’t seem worth it to you.
With rare exceptions, you don’t find personal connections very satisfying or meaningful to you anymore, even if you’re not quite sure why.
As clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, PhD. writes:
“Relationships are investments of time and energy melded with the partnership’s resources of time, energy, love, and availability. Like any business or career, they require continuous reevaluation, new growth, and a commitment to the future.”
5) You get bored in most conversations
The majority of conversations bore you.
It’s quite possible, of course, that you are simply spending a lot of time around people who are objectively not all that interesting (at least not to you).
But if this becomes a trend across all groups and situations you’re in then it points to a psychological and emotional detachment on a broader level.
I know about this since I myself have found myself becoming quite emotionally detached in recent years and this aspect of finding many conversations boring is one of the main symptoms I’ve experienced.
The key lies in finding the balance between avoiding conversations you truly don’t find worth participating in, versus being open to conversations and interactions that ultimately turn out to be worthwhile but just take time to warm up to.
6) You feel lonely in most social situations
It’s quite an odd feeling:
You’re in the middle of a large group of friends or a crowd of colleagues and you feel lonelier than you ever have before.
This is often a sign that you either feel or know for certain that the people around you don’t get you on a deeper level and don’t see you for who you are (nor do they wish to).
It can also be a sign of growing detachment on your part where you are coping with this feeling of being unseen and not really validated by withdrawing your own investment.
As consultant and mental health writer Tchiki Davis, PhD. explains:
“For some people, being emotionally detached is a coping mechanism—a strategy that is used to protect them from stress or getting hurt. For others, it can be a reaction to trauma, abuse, or unprocessed emotions, which makes the person unable to open up about their struggles.”
7) You get easily angered by the behavior of others
Part of the reason that you avoid social interactions is that you find yourself increasingly impatient with the social behavior of others.
Even small faux pas on their parts or off-color jokes tend to rub you the wrong way:
It’s not that you’re arrogant or believe you’re perfect, it’s just that you increasingly don’t see the point in being around people who can be annoying and tiresome.
The question, increasingly on your mind is this: why bother?
“A challenge with social isolation schema is that you may have become ‘too good’ at isolating, and prefer your solitary experiences to the challenge of being with people,” notes Brouillette.
“To a degree, we all have to cope with the fact that relationships are challenging.”
8) You prefer to interact online or consume content
When it comes to the social life of an increasingly detached and socially disconnected individual, let’s be honest:
More and more of it takes place online as I noted in the introduction.
You may find yourself striking up friendships over shared interests on social media or getting in lengthy discussions with anon accounts who you never meet.
It doesn’t take much out of you to do, and you feel better about it than getting involved in messy and often unrewarding real-world relationships and friendships.
In some cases this can point to a real inner depression taking place at the emotional and sometimes clinical level.
As Gunther points out:
“People who are depressed cannot give very much to a relationship and often feel like they don’t deserve to be loved or accepted.”
9) You don’t feel much empathy for the hardships of others
The hardships and problems of others feel increasingly abstract to you.
While you fully realize that much of what people are going through could be things you one day will go through (or have gone through), your reaction is more and more simply a shrug.
In most cases this level of emotional detachment is the result of years of feeling lonely and unseen as well as harmed by exclusion and lack of peer validation in your younger years.
Now that the walls are up it’s not easy to bring them down.
Emotional detachment “is similar to building a wall between yourself and the outside world and not letting it down for anyone,” notes Davis.
Alone or lonely?
There’s nothing wrong with being introverted and preferring solitude. In fact it can be both psychologically and emotionally empowering.
Being selective about who you give your time and energy too is an empowering and brave choice.
But if you find that you relate to many of the signs above in a way that’s difficult for you, or in a way that indicates a self-isolation schema, it’s worth digging deeper into the issue.
The harmful side effects of chronic loneliness are significant.
As psychology writer Amy Novotney notes for the American Psychological Association:
“According to a meta-analysis co-authored by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University, lack of social connection heightens health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or having alcohol use disorder.
“She’s also found that loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity.”
The next step if you do find your detachment has become an issue is to connect up with at least one trusted friend or professional and start building some bridges that are meaningful to you.
As Davis advises:
“On your path to understanding your emotions, an important step is to connect with people who support you. Building a support system has many mental and physical health benefits.”
