7 signs you’re not an emotionally mature adult, even if you think you are

Looking back, I used to wear my ‘maturity’ like a badge of honor, convinced I had it all figured out. 

But, oh, how life has a way of humbling us! I now see that my self-assuredness was often just a mask for arrogance. 

It’s been a journey, unraveling these layers, learning that true emotional maturity isn’t about age or achievements. It’s about introspection, empathy, and the willingness to grow. 

Let me share with you the 7 signs that made me realize I wasn’t as emotionally mature as I thought – and how acknowledging them transformed me into a genuinely mature adult.

1) Difficulty expressing emotions appropriately

A big sign of maturity is being able to express emotions appropriately. This is what makes the difference between a tantrum-throwing child and an adult who can calmly explain their needs.

Now of course, most adults have learned to not throw tantrums, whether they are emotionally mature or not. But for some, these tantrums have just transformed into milder, more subtle emotional outbursts.

This can take many forms, from hurtful or passive-aggressive comments to body language like eyerolls and huffing and puffing. 

Sometimes, a person may refrain from expressing their emotions at all, just to explode later, to the total surprise and confusion of the person on the receiving end. 

Unfortunately, this sort of behavior can build up over time, so you become less and less able to handle even minor life stressors.

And at the same time, it will very quickly drive people away from you, as they don’t want to be buried under your emotional avalanche every time something sets you off. 

But don’t beat yourself up over this — after all, nobody taught us how to manage our emotions well as kids. The good news is, it’s something you can always learn. 

Next time you feel emotions rile up, pause and take a moment to identify them to yourself. What exactly are you feeling? This emotion doesn’t have to dictate your response — so try to choose a better one that’s more suitable for the situation. 

2) Reliance on instant gratification

You may have heard of the marshmallow experiment, where researchers offered children a marshmallow, and promised they would give them another one if the child could wait until they came back into the room.

It’s adorable to watch the kids peeking at the marshmallow, squirming trying to keep themselves from eating it. Some even sit on their hands.

But many of them succumb to their desire and gobble it up before the researcher returns. 

It’s not any fault of their own — their emotional circuits have not yet fully developed. 

As adults, we have the willpower and emotional strength to do what many of these cute kids couldn’t — but many of us still choose not to use it. 

The thing with willpower is it’s like a muscle — you need to practice it to strengthen it. If you get used to choosing chips and Netflix over hitting the gym, you’re only strengthening the neural pathways that choose instant gratification over working on your long-term goals.

The point is not to never choose instant gratification anymore, because you do have to enjoy your life. But try to find more of a balance so that you don’t sacrifice your goals in the process.  

3) Struggle with empathy and perspective-taking

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument, so focused on proving your point that you can’t even hear what the other person is saying? That’s a classic sign of struggling with empathy and perspective-taking. 

It’s not just about understanding someone else’s feelings; it’s about stepping into their shoes, seeing things from their angle.

When we’re emotionally immature, our world often revolves around our needs and views. We might dismiss others’ feelings as overreactions or fail to recognize the impact of our words and actions. 

This not only strains relationships but also limits our own emotional growth.

But here’s the good news: empathy is a skill that can be nurtured. Start by actively listening to others, not just to respond but to understand. Ask yourself, “How would I feel in their situation?”

Remember, you don’t need to agree with them in order to understand them. But you will often find that empathy opens up your eyes to insights you didn’t realize before. 

4) Poor emotional boundaries

Setting boundaries is like drawing an invisible line that separates your emotional well-being from external influences. 

When we have poor emotional boundaries, we often find ourselves excessively affected by others’ opinions or moods. 

It’s like having an open door policy for every emotion that passes by, whether it belongs to us or not.

For instance, if a friend is upset, you might also become deeply distressed, even if the issue doesn’t directly involve you. Or, you might find it hard to say no to requests, fearing disapproval or conflict. 

I used to think things like this made me empathetic and caring, but this inability to safeguard our emotional space leads to feeling overwhelmed, drained, and emotionally dependent.

The key to developing better emotional boundaries is recognizing that you are not responsible for everyone’s feelings, nor are they responsible for yours. It’s about understanding where you end and others begin. 

Practice by gently asserting your needs and limits. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your peace of mind. 

Establishing these boundaries is a vital step towards emotional maturity, allowing you to interact with others while maintaining your emotional integrity.

5) Jealousy of others’ successes

Feeling a twinge of jealousy when someone else achieves something we desire is a natural human reaction. 

However, when this emotion dominates our response to others’ successes, it’s a sign of emotional immaturity. 

This type of jealousy is more than just envying someone’s achievements; it reflects our insecurities and a belief that life is a zero-sum game.

I know this firsthand, because that used to be me. I used to view someone else’s success as a personal failure and a reminder of my own inadequacies. It only made me want to prove I was better than them. 

But rather than propel us forward, this mindset traps us in a cycle of negativity, preventing us from recognizing our own potential and achievements. 

The antidote to this is celebrating others’ achievements as we would our own. Understand that someone else’s success doesn’t diminish your worth or possibilities — on the contrary, it’s proof that it’s possible for you too. 

By shifting focus from comparison to inspiration, we foster a growth mindset, acknowledging that success is abundant and there’s room for everyone to shine.

6) Refusal to reflect on or learn from mistakes

A key marker of emotional maturity is how we handle our mistakes. Do we view them as catastrophic failures or as opportunities for growth? 

Emotionally immature individuals often lean towards the former, refusing to acknowledge or learn from their errors. 

But this is totally understandable, as mistakes do feel uncomfortable — and often, our family environment shapes our ability to own up to our missteps. 

This avoidance is often unconscious and can stem from a fear of appearing weak or imperfect.

But regardless of its origins, we have the choice to overcome it now — and it’s a choice we should definitely make. 

Because refusing to reflect is like walking the same path and stumbling over the same rock repeatedly. It hinders personal growth and self-awareness. We miss out on valuable lessons and the chance to develop resilience.

We must shift our mindset from defensiveness to curiosity: “What can this mistake teach me?” This doesn’t mean being harsh on yourself; it’s about constructive reflection. 

7) Avoiding emotional intimacy (or jumping in too deep too soon)

Balancing emotional intimacy is like walking a tightrope: and emotionally immature individuals often struggle with this balance.

On one end of the spectrum, some might shy away from emotional closeness, viewing it as a threat to their independence or fearing vulnerability. 

They keep relationships at a surface level, avoiding the risk of being truly seen and known. This avoidance can lead to a sense of isolation and unfulfillment in relationships.

On the other end, some individuals might rush into emotional intimacy, seeking immediate depth without establishing a stable foundation. 

This can be driven by a need for external validation as you’re not able to manage your own emotions well. Or, it could stem from a fear of abandonment or an idealized view of relationships. 

It often results in intense but unstable connections that are unable to withstand the tests of time and reality.

Emotional maturity involves navigating this balance with mindfulness and patience. It means gradually building trust and connection, allowing intimacy to deepen naturally over time. 

This approach fosters healthy, lasting relationships built on mutual understanding and genuine closeness.

The path to emotional maturity

In recognizing these signs of emotional immaturity, we embark on a journey towards greater self-awareness and growth. 

Each step, from expressing emotions appropriately to balancing emotional intimacy, is a stride towards a more mature, fulfilling life. 

Remember, emotional maturity is not a destination but a continuous process of learning, adapting, and evolving. 

By embracing this path with an open heart and mind, we not only improve our relationships and well-being but also become the emotionally mature adults we aspire to be.