It’s one of the worst experiences anybody can have:
You’re in love with somebody and they have feelings for you, too. The trumpets are playing and the confetti is flying.
You’re finally in a reciprocal relationship with someone you’re actually interested in!
You become involved in a serious relationship with them, determined to see the best in what happens and forgive their flaws.
But red flags start showing up and you begin having serious misgivings about this person. You love them, you’re attracted to them, but you begin to wonder if you’ve made a truly huge mistake.
Is your partner actually right for you?
You may love them, but it’s often not enough and it can actually be part of the problem.
Here are the signs you’re with the wrong person even though you love them.
1) They demand you be somebody other than who you are
If you have a partner who wants you to be somebody other than who you are, you don’t have a partner:
You have a casting agent.
They want you to play the role they have set out for you, to pose for the photos and smile when you’re supposed to smile.
You’re supposed to adopt the opinions they consider acceptable, make the types of friends they think are good for you and do what they say.
You may have strong feelings for this person, but their desire to control you makes them a bad match until and unless they temper and work on that on their own time.
2) They exclude you from their inner circle and close family
When you’re in a relationship with the wrong person, you’ll notice that no matter how close you get to them they don’t seem to let you close to their inner circle.
You hover on the outside of their tight-knit group of friends…
You may be introduced once or twice to their family, but it never seems like you’re really getting a chance to get to know their folks well…
If it seems like you’re being excluded from meeting those close to them, the reason is almost always because that’s exactly what’s happening.
3) The relationship is chock-full of jealousy and possessiveness
I wish love was enough, but it’s not always the case.
A bit of jealousy is natural if you ask me, and it can show that you’re truly valued.
However, this line between “healthy” and “unhealthy” jealousy is quite thin.
If you notice that your partner wants constant updates on where you are and needs to always make sure you’re “reporting in,” you have a problem on your hands.
A relationship is a voluntary choice based on mutual respect, not a parole board hearing.
4) They constantly bicker and pick fights with you
If you’re with a partner who picks fights with you, you’re with the wrong person.
Having arguments is a normal part of any relationship, and tensions are inevitably going to arise.
But facing a partner who goes off on you over nothing is something else entirely.
It shouldn’t be something you tolerate, no matter how much you love somebody.
5) You experience a consistent lack of respect from your partner
Insults, aggressive phrases and put-downs are examples of a lack of respect from your partner.
So is making plans for the future without telling you, flirting with other people, making fun of you around others and a hundred other examples.
There’s no point in sugar-coating it:
If you’re getting a lack of respect from your partner you need to stand up for yourself.
And in 9 out of 10 cases standing up for yourself means breaking up with them despite your attraction and feelings for them.
This ties directly into the next point…
6) There’s no real support for your dreams or plans
When you’re with somebody who doesn’t back you up on your dreams and plans it’s a real downer.
If you have low self-confidence you may blame yourself or wonder if your dreams are very silly or fanciful…
If you have high self-esteem and know your value you may make excuses for your partner’s lack of interest and support…
Perhaps they’re tired, stressed out about other things or just don’t understand exactly what your vision is.
But oftentimes this kind of lack of support can be a simple sign that you’re just not with the right person.
7) Advice and guidance has implied threats behind it
The issue of control is a big one.
If your partner is trying to keep you from being you or steer you to their “ideal,” they’re not in love with you.
They’re in love with an idea of you or want to turn you into some project.
This can emerge when they give advice and guidance that’s barbed with an implied threat…
The most disturbing implied threat is “you should do X or I don’t think it will work with us.”
It’s just a total lack of respect, and no matter how much you love them it’s not right.
8) They clearly are on the fence about their feelings for you
One of the worst positions you can be in is to feel like you have to “earn” the love of somebody you’re dating.
If you are continually unsure about the feelings your partner has for you it’s either because of your own insecurity or their own lack of certainty.
When somebody isn’t sure how they feel about you, you can’t force it.
In fact, it’s best to distance yourself a bit.
Keeping things going and pretending they’re just as invested as you is only going to lead to more intense disillusionment in the end.
9) The relationship is full of many lies and half-truths
Do you and your partner tell each other the truth?
If you go back and look honestly at the way you communicate, what would your answer be?
If there are all sorts of lies and half-truths present, then this isn’t the right situation for either of you.
You either need to work on your honesty and transparency with each other, or seek another partner where you feel more seen and more comfortable opening up.
10) Your partner doesn’t show up in your moments of need
When times get tough, it’s natural you want your partner to be there.
If you’re with someone who never is, then you have a real problem on your hands.
It isn’t codependent to wish for your partner to be there to support you when you’re in need.
Even something as simple as a ride to work or a companion when you go to the doctor’s office is sometimes the difference-maker.
When you’re with someone who doesn’t make that effort, you’re with the wrong person
11) They let you down in a thousand little ways
This is all part of a general pattern of being let down.
It’s important to understand that your expectations about a partner who shows up for you are reasonable!
There’s nothing over-the-top or demanding about wanting to be with somebody who takes time for you, respects you and tries their best to help you out.
If you want this then you want what’s normal and healthy in a relationship.
Your partner being unable or unwilling to give this is fully on them, not on you.
12) You’re on two completely different paths in life
I believe opposites attract, but I also believe strongly in synergy.
You should be on the same team as your partner.
When you’re on very different paths in life, it’s often a sign that this connection just isn’t meant to last the test of time.
It’s sad to say goodbye to somebody you love, but the brutal truth is that if you compromise your dreams and identity for the sake of affection for somebody else you can lose your self-respect and them, too.
If your partner is on a different path, the least they can do is respect and support you.
But if you find that they are on a very different path but also don’t care much about yours, life is leading you away from this person.
It’s sad to say, but they’re better as a memory than as your partner.