Isabella Chase
Falling in love doesn’t happen very often for me, so when it does finally hit me in the face, I’m prone to going along with it just to see where the road leads.
Even if the person in question has completely different values or opinions. Even if they approach relationships in a different manner. Even if our relationship is definitely not going to work in the long run.
Okay, I lied. This whole thing wasn’t about truly falling in love – it was about letting infatuation mess with your head and getting with someone who ultimately isn’t a high-quality person to date.
Fortunately, I’ve learned some crucial lessons over the years that now help me stay away from people who aren’t good for me and gravitate toward those who are a great match.
What about you? Are you in a relationship with a genuinely high-quality person?
Let’s quickly check.
1) They want to be your friend first and foremost
Okay, let’s kick it off with the most vital sign of all.
(Watch out – this is where many of my relationships ultimately met their end.)
A romantic relationship ought to be about romance (who would have guessed) and sexual attraction. That much is true.
But don’t let those two fool you. There is a third factor, one that is so much more important.
Friendship.
If you’re planning to spend the next years, decades, or even a lifetime with your partner, there is no avoiding it – you should both cultivate a sense of strong friendship every day, from having a chat in the kitchen after a long workday to scheduling in a fun date where no phones are allowed.
Psychology backs me up on this. Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D. says, “Friendship, which is based on shared history, often increases over time—unlike sexual desire, whose intensity diminishes over time.”
At the end of the day, it is your friendship that matters the most. Make sure you choose someone who wants to be your best friend as well as a lover.
2) They make an effort to learn your love language
Moving on to romance (because despite friendship being the most important one, romance is just as crucial to make you both feel loved and cherished)!
Enter… love languages.
In case you haven’t heard of the five love languages before, the basic idea is that everyone has a preference for how they want to be shown love and how they like to show love to others.
If you and your partner’s love languages are prioritized differently, it’s important that both of you try to go the extra mile for your significant other and learn to speak their love language so that they feel appreciated and loved in the way they need.
Here they are:
- Quality time (e.g., going on dates where you and your partner have fun conversations and enjoy each other’s presence)
- Physical touch (e.g., cuddling and hugging)
- Acts of service (e.g., popping to the store for your partner’s favorite snack or picking them up after a long day at work)
- Words of affirmation (e.g., telling your partner how much you love them, giving them thoughtful compliments)
- Gift-giving (e.g., putting in a lot of effort to buy personalized and well-thought-out gifts for your partner)
If you and your significant other haven’t discussed love languages yet, give it a try – it might help you get to know each other better.
3) They understand that love is a continuous action
The process of falling in love is exhilarating. For the first few months, you might be so infatuated that everything your partner does is just further confirmation of your soulmate bond.
How can they be so very perfect? How can they love you just right? Finally, you have been blessed by the gods of love!
This is sometimes referred to as the honeymoon stage of a relationship. And unfortunately, it does eventually end. After some time, your body regains its balance and your hormones calm down a bit.
And that is where the true love business finally starts. That is where it turns from a feeling into an action.
Robert Weiss Ph.D., LCSW, CSAT explains:
“Most of us seem to think about love as a feeling. Love makes us feel dizzy, silly, gooey, and just plain smitten. In the therapy business, we call this feeling limerence. Limerence is the relationship stage when the other person’s very existence seems like a gift from God, because everything he or she thinks, says, and does is just plain perfect.”
He adds, “Longer-term romantic love is less a feeling and more a verb. When you love someone, your actions reflect that love.”
One way to tell if you’re dating a high-quality person is to reflect on whether they keep putting in effort even after the honeymoon stage has ended.
Mind you, their grand gestures of love may have turned into smaller expressions of appreciation, but that’s okay as long as you still feel connected and loved.
4) They have a solution-oriented mindset
Over the course of your relationship, you and your partner are going to run into some issues.
You may not believe me right now – especially if your honeymoon stage has just begun – but mark my words. Every couple encounters issues at some point or another because that’s what intimate relationships do. They awaken our deepest wounds and insecurities, giving rise to conflict.
And when you eventually get to that stage, you might feel completely caught off-guard. How come everything was so perfect just a few months ago? How come your relationship is suddenly a complete sh*tstorm?
What changed?
Nothing changed, my friend. You just got to know each other better. And now it’s time to make your way out of this mess.
That’s where the key lies. It doesn’t really matter how many issues you run into as long as you both work as a team, continue to show up for each other, and put in active effort to get over each and every obstacle.
A solution-oriented partner is a must-have if you’re in it for the long run.
5) They display a healthy dose of humility
Issues include disagreements and arguments, of course. And the way your partner approaches those arguments is vital.
Why?
Because arguments can actually be a really good thing. If both of you try to be as emotionally mature as possible and keep your conversations respectful and solution-oriented, your conflicts may even bring you closer and strengthen your relationship.
Humility is crucial for that.
And by humility, I mean that you don’t have inflated and fragile egos. When you’re dating someone who’s humble to a healthy extent, they:
- Will take accountability for their actions
- Will know how to properly apologize
- Will admit they are wrong without getting upset
- Will try not to take things too personally
- Will attempt to solve problems with empathy and sensitivity to context and nuance
As a result, your arguments might end up being very productive rather than destructive.
6) They are your biggest cheerleader
“Relationship partners play an important role in helping or hindering our progress toward our goals,” writes Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D.
It comes as no surprise that a high-quality partner should help you instead of hindering you in that department.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself. Does your partner…
- Celebrate you when you achieve new milestones?
- Tell you they’re proud of you?
- Give you practical advice and emotional support?
- View your success as something that makes them happy rather than envious?
- Give you the space to pursue your goals (while also catering to the relationship’s needs)?
If your answer to these questions is a resolute yes, you’re a lucky winner!
You might be dating a high-quality person.
7) They are gently honest
This one is pretty obvious, but I think it deserves to be highlighted nonetheless: your partner should be honest and faithful.
Full stop.
However, it’s important to note that honesty comes in different shapes and sizes. Brutal honesty, for example, can be used as a weapon to poke at your insecurities or bring you down.
That’s why someone who employs gentle honesty makes for such an incredible partner.
They are honest, yes, but they also aren’t unnecessarily cruel. They know how to tell the truth without making you feel upset because they take great care not to hurt you.
In short, they always have your best interests at heart.
8) They make you feel like you matter
All the seven points above have one thing in common: they are all about showing you the love and care you deserve.
Someone who genuinely cares about you as both a lover and a friend, who speaks your love language, who is honest yet gentle and who roots for you is someone who obviously loves you deeply.
And that’s how you know you’re dating a high-quality person. When they make you feel like you genuinely matter to them.
