Paul Brian
Situational awareness and vigilance can be very helpful.
When you notice more details than most, you have more information to make decisions with, and the ability to stay safer from subtle threats and danger.
But being hyper-vigilant in relationships often backfires, (although it has a few good aspects, too).
It can lead to jealousy, possessiveness and overly controlling behavior. But instead of keeping a partner close, these kinds of things actually end up pushing them away and building a relationship on feelings of distrust and hostility.
This leads to breakups and painful, uncomfortable situations that rarely end well.
However, hyper-vigilance (if used correctly) can also help relationships in certain ways which I’ll discuss.
Here’s how to tell if you’re hyper vigilant in your relationship and what it means.
1) You always wonder what other people are doing
Being curious about people and wanting to know what they’re up to can be a really sociable and outgoing trait.
But it can also easily cross the line into being just plain nosy.
Many of us have experienced this in the form of “helicopter parents” who need to know everything their kids are doing at all times.
If you find that you’re a bit on the vigilant side about what friends, dates and others are doing, it can definitely go too far into hyper-vigilance.
The result can be edging into possessiveness and monitoring behavior that’s likely to drive your partner away.
2) You’re extremely sensitive to being excluded
The next sign of hyper-vigilance is an acute sensitivity to being excluded.
None of us like being left out or feeling unimportant, but if you suffered abandonment in childhood or exclusion it can be a particularly deep wound.
You want to know that you’re wanted. But you don’t want to have to ask directly, so you look for clues that people actually like and value you. You look closely to see that you’re truly seen.
The result in a relationship can, unfortunately, be neediness. This ends up usually pushing a partner away or making them feel that they need to prop you up in a way that starts to undermine the relationship.
3) You take rejection very badly
Hyper-vigilance often manifests as looking for signs of rejection and trying to preempt it.
When you’re looking for signs that somebody’s not fully accepting of you, it’s easy to start to notice them.
Rejection stings badly for anyone, but if you’re hyper-vigilant to it then it can become an ongoing preoccupation.
In relationships, a deep fear of rejection can actually lead to creating a cycle of fear and over-vigilance that leads to rejection. It can be a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
4) You read a lot into surface-level flirting
Another sign of hyper-vigilance is reading a lot into surface-level flirting.
This is where you flirt with somebody and expect a lot to come from it, or read quite a bit into somebody giving you “the eye.”
Looking around, you also are very attuned to people flirting with each other and potential attraction between folks.
In a relationship this can mean that you have a lot of insight into your partner’s level of flirting and attraction to you and know how to turn them on and spice things up.
However if this goes too far the other direction, your perceptiveness about subtle flirting can lead to a lot of unnecessary jealousy and monitoring behavior.
5) You are hyper-sensitive to changes in the mood of others
Some of us are more sensitive to mood changes than others.
If you’re the type who immediately senses and responds to the moods of others it can make relationships a bit more challenging.
There’s an advantage if you can tap into this perceptiveness in order to boost your emotional intelligence and understand your partner.
But the downside is if you become so sensitive to the mood of the person you’re dating that you end up becoming dependent:
Your mood shifts together with them and you begin being more interested in how they feel and how you can change it than how you feel.
6) You are very attuned to finances and people’s spending habits
Finances matter and money is a very crucial matter that can make or break a relationship.
But finances aren’t everything, and too much vigilance over financial matters can sink love because of distrust and monitoring behavior.
When you find that you pore over your financial statements for hours and are very sensitive to the purchases and spending of other people, it’s a definite sign of hyper-vigilance.
If you can moderate and restrain this, it can be a good way to keep track of spending and ensure the relationship remains on stable financial ground.
But if it gets out-of-control, this financial over-vigilance can quickly become possessiveness and lead to conflict in a relationship.
7) You are very attuned to when people disagree with you
I don’t know anyone who genuinely likes being disagreed with about important topics, except perhaps in an actual debate.
But disagreement can be interesting and it can also yield insights and ideas that otherwise would stay buried.
If you find that you’re immediately attuned to disagreement and react badly to it, this can have big repercussions in a relationship.
It means that you will have to be extra conscious about your own reactions when conflict arises in your relationship (which it inevitably will, at least in small ways).
Arguments are going to happen, but learning that you’re very sensitive about potential disagreements and arguments it’s important to become very conscious of your reactions so you can exercise self-control when disagreements arise with a partner.
8) You find mixed signals maddening and intolerable
Nobody likes mixed signals. But if you find that they drive you absolutely mad with annoyance and confusion, it’s a sign of hyper-vigilance.
There are many times in a relationship where it will be unclear what your partner wants, what they’re thinking or what you should even do in regards to them.
They may be sending you mixed signals unintentionally, and if you overreact it can lead the relationship in a very toxic direction.
Knowing that you are hyper-vigilant to mixed signals is important and useful, because it can help you slow down and learn not to react or express anger right away when you feel people are being unclear or contradictory.
Sadly many wonderful people are contradictory and inconsistent, and a certain amount of patience is called for in our reactions to them.
9) You quickly notice those who are trying to pressure you
Pressure is another thing that shows up in relationships a lot.
Even relationships which are fairly healthy tend to have some element of pressuring when it comes to attending events, coordinating schedules and so on.
If you find that you’re very sensitive to having your own space and freedom then this is a type of hyper-vigilance that is also good to remain aware of.
There’s nothing wrong with having your boundaries and disliking pressure to be part of things, but it’s also good to moderate this so it doesn’t go too far.
When you’re in a relationship there isn’t always an option for your own space, and sometimes sacrifices and compromise are necessary.
Knowing how touchy you can be about it is a good way to prepare and fortify yourself against getting too upset when you do feel a bit pressured.
Time to let your guard down?
The above signs of hyper-vigilance are all signs that you’re a perceptive and sensitive person.
They have possible positive sides if moderated and restrained, as I’ve mentioned.
However if hyper-vigilance goes too far it can also backfire badly and ruin relationships.
Becoming aware that you may be hyper-vigilant is a valuable step in learning to moderate your reactions and let your guard down a bit.
