20 big signs you’re healing from codependency

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Changing deeply ingrained patterns of codependency doesn’t happen overnight.

When we’ve learned to look to others for our emotional stability and strength, rather than inside, it is going to take time and effort to undo those habits.

But day by day, you will slowly but surely make progress.

Here are the big signs you’re healing from codependency.

20 big signs you’re healing from codependency

1) You take responsibility for your healing journey

Denial is a big part of codependency.

That’s why simply being able to recognize it within yourself and see it as a problem affecting your relationships is a big step along the way toward healing from it.

After all, we can’t change what we don’t even see.

You may not have created these codependent patterns, but you are the only one who can heal them.

You have taken the courageous step of accepting that nobody else can do the hard work for you. And you are ready and willing to rise to the challenge.

Never underestimate the power of self-responsibility as the essential starting point for all self-change.

2) You’re able to offer yourself praise and not just criticism

We all have a negative little voice in our head that can say downright mean things to us at times.

But you know that now. And that makes it easier for you no longer to identify with or believe every single thing that voice says to you.

Whatsmore, you are trying to counteract its cruelty by saying kind things to yourself.

You know that the best way to fight anything is with love. And that’s true for your codependency too.

So you’re setting about trying to shower yourself with as much love as possible. And that means the way you speak to yourself and about yourself.

3) You’re focused on your progress, rather than how far you have left to go

Despite it being difficult, you still haven’t given up. And you know that it might take time but you’ll get there.

Rather than beat yourself up about how far you may have left to go, you are reminding yourself that you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Progress is far more important than being perfect.

And as you begin to release yourself from the impossible standard of perfection (more on this later!) you can focus on the effort you are making rather than becoming fixated on the outcome.

4) You are looking more to yourself for validation

You’re no longer expecting your relationships to swoop in and make it all better in life. Instead, you are learning to self-soothe and self-appreciate as the main source of your self-esteem.

The truth is that all of us display certain codependent behaviors from time to time. As a society, we can place way too much emphasis on our relationships to make us feel a certain way.

But it all comes crashing down because whenever we try to make someone else responsible for our own fulfillment, happiness, and love — it never ends well.

We all need to learn how to look to ourselves to meet our basic needs before we can have healthy relationships.

This is the empowering message taught by the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. And it makes so much sense.

In his free video, he speaks plenty of home truths about why so many of our relationships end up going wrong.

And spoiler alert, it’s got a lot to do with the fact that we end up trying to change our partners or change for them.

We fall into these codependent traps that encourage us to seek someone who “completes” us.

I really believe that Rudás powerful message is one that everybody needs to hear. So I recommend you check out his free short video for yourself.

As well as pointing out the pitfalls of codependency so many of us fall into, he offers practical solutions for how to fix this.

Here’s that link again.

5) You’re learning to take care of yourself

Whether that’s emotionally, physically, or mentally.

But you are getting better at directing some of that care and love that you can generously give to others toward yourself too.

This is possible now that you have learned that your main source of validation needs to come from within.

And so you are discovering the tools of self-care.

6) You don’t base your self-worth on external measures

Again, as you get to grips with validation being an internal rather than external process, you’re no longer desperately seeking external markers to prove your worth.

You have begun to see that your beauty doesn’t lie outside of you, it comes from within.

So you are loosening your grip on chasing after social status, achievement, wealth, relationship status, or physical attractiveness as some kind of proof of your value.

7) You focus on fixing yourself rather than fixing others

Wanting to be the savior is a common problem in codependent connections.

You get a boost from feeling useful, needed, or even “essential” to someone else.

Plus it feels a lot easier to focus on fixing someone else rather than take a long hard look in the mirror about what is missing within our own lives.

But you are giving up this urge to save anybody else.

You’re no longer desperately trying to protect others from the consequences of their actions.

You’re putting your main focus on where it should be — on yourself.

8) You’re not trying to take responsibility for other people

Not only do you no longer feel the need to fix others, but you can also begin to see when and where you may be absorbing responsibility for others.

Whether it’s how they feel or the choices they make and the things they do.

You are repeating to yourself this wise mantra:

The only person I can ever control is myself. What others feel, think, and do is not my responsibility.

9) You are slowly starting to get more comfortable with feeling your feelings

Uncomfortable and painful feelings are never going to be nice.

It’s understandable that we may want to avoid them, and it’s tempting to try and do so by projecting or hiding from them.

But as part of your healing journey from codependency, you will probably notice you get far better at confronting and sitting with these highly charged emotions.

They become more tolerable to you.

10) You’re letting go of perfectionism

It’s ok to make mistakes and be human. There’s no way to always be right or behave perfectly.

And you are slowly but surely releasing yourself from the burden of expectation to do so.

As you do so, it lifts a weight from your chest as you start to believe that you don’t have to be perfect, it’s ok to be who you are.

You are still worthy of love and affection despite the inevitability of being a flawed human being (like the rest of us).

11) You’re learning how precious it is to forgive yourself

Releasing perfectionism as part of your healing journey from codependency can go hand in hand with this next sign:

Learning to forgive yourself.

Of course, there is not really anything to forgive. But that’s not how we feel.

As we constantly chastise ourselves for any perceived errors or flaws, we start to gather guilt and shame.

Learning to forgive yourself for any mistakes you make helps you to move forward.  

12) You can accept help and support

As you slowly learn to unravel yourself from the impossible standards of perfection and forgive that you are a mere mortal and not a superhero, this allows for something else to happen to you.

You no longer feel the need to do it all yourself.

You can say yes please to getting support. You can accept help from others without seeing it as a failure or burden for them.

13) You have a far better idea now of who you are and what’s important to you

Perhaps the greatest adventure and the most important one we can take in life is to really get to know ourselves.

As you embark upon your codependency healing, you are going to get far more up close and personal with what makes you tick.

As a consequence, you start to get a better understanding of what is most important to you, rather than other people.

You may start to feel like you have a better grasp on what you like and don’t like, your needs, your fears, your goals, and your own priorities.

14) You’re less reactive to what others say and do

As a result of not seeking all of your self-esteem or validation outside of yourself, you start to feel less triggered by other people.

That’s not to say that people never get to you. Of course, we’re all human and we are bound to have our feelings hurt.

But it’s more that you take things a lot less personally than you did before.

The more you learn to value your own thoughts and feelings, the less you focus on other people.

It still doesn’t feel nice if someone doesn’t like you or seems angry at you for some reason.

But you are able to keep this in perspective as a greater reflection of them, rather than on you.

15) You’re no long longer desperate to people please at all costs

You don’t feel as obligated to people in the same way as before.

You might start to realize that you don’t owe them explanations for what you choose to do and not do or say and not say.

You are learning how to say “no” for the sake of your own well-being.

16) You are learning to set and uphold important boundaries

Boundaries are something that many of us struggle with, so it’s understandable that codependent types find them even more confronting.

But over time you may start to notice that you have a much clearer idea of your own boundaries.

And you feel stronger and more assertive in speaking up and drawing a line in the sand when someone tries to cross them.

17) You are better at speaking about your needs

You are tentatively finding your own voice.

Perhaps you have even started to sense that you have a right for it to be heard, just as much as anyone else.

And as you do, you may start to hear yourself speaking about what you need and want from others.

18) You can spot abuse for what it really is

When we are stuck in codependency, we may unwittingly accept abusive or unacceptable behavior, because we don’t even see it as that.

We internalize and self-blame. Or we think it is what we deserve or what we need to put up with as the price to have someone’s love or attention.

But as you start to heal those internal wounds and your inner child, all of a sudden gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and verbal and physical abuse become more obvious to you when you see it.

19) Toxic and unhealthy relationships are melting away

Like tends to attract like. We can fall into negative relationships when we see in someone a chance to act out our own unhealthy or toxic beliefs about ourselves.

Your insecurities are no longer seeking out someone else’s unhealthy habits as a means of fulfillment.

And so you avoid these drama-filled or unbalanced relationships.

You may have consciously cut them out or it could simply be that as you feel stronger in yourself, they effortlessly drift out of your life.

As you heal, you no longer need them. And so they simply melt away.

20) You are more conscious about new relationships

You are putting everything you have learned about yourself and self-love into practice.

Rather than continue to make the same mistakes, you make more conscious choices.

It doesn’t mean you always get it right, but you find it easier to correct yourself without going down the same disastrous well-trodden path.

And that means rather than blindly jumping into the wrong romances or connections, you take it slow. It is more of a considered move.

To conclude: Codependency recovery happens in stages, and not overnight

As a final thought, I want to point out that these signs of codependency healing aren’t necessarily linear.

They may come and go, and sometimes you’ll experience some of them at once. Or one sign may lead to another.

If you feel a long way off from many of these signs, don’t worry. It’s totally normal.

The most significant steps on the codependency healing journey are simply to start and to keep going.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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