Paul Brian
Insecurity is a b*tch.
That’s why becoming more secure with who you are and feeling comfortable in your own skin is such a blessing.
Here are the most important signs you’re finally becoming more secure with who you are.
1) You know yourself
The ancient Greek oracle at Delphi advised every seeker to first know themselves.
This wise counsel still stands the test of time and is true today.
In order to become secure with who you are, you must know who you are and how you work.
This is the first of the important signs you’re finally becoming more secure with who you are: you truly know yourself.
Your experiences in life and in introspective times have shown you what makes you tick.
You know your strengths and your weaknesses, you’ve owned up to your mistakes, you’ve taken pride in your accomplishments.
You have found what’s meaningful to you in life and embraced it, including the difficult parts of yourself.
This ties directly into the next sign that you’re becoming truly secure.
2) You’ve faced your shadow
Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung said each one of us has a shadow self that is a representation of our unconscious desires, envies and traumas.
Our shadow is not necessarily “bad” but it is difficult, because it contains all the emotions, fears and desires that we haven’t faced.
The shadow has the parts of ourselves we may have repressed or pushed down in shame, believing we will be exposed or hurt if we admit these sides of ourself.
“The shadow exists as part of the unconscious mind and is composed of repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings.”
That’s why one of the biggest signs you’re finally becoming more secure with who you are is that you’ve faced your shadow.
You’ve reflected on yourself and how you engage with others, both the pleasant and unpleasant aspects. You’ve grappled with the ways you sabotage yourself, lie to yourself and sell yourself short.
You’re secure with the fact that you, like all the rest of us, are a fundamentally flawed human being who is trying to do his or her best in life.
And that’s OK!
3) You don’t seek external validation
Next up in important signs you’re finally becoming more secure with who you are is that you stop looking for external validation.
The praise or displeasure of the crowd is something you notice, but it’s no longer something that sways your decisions.
You do what’s best for you and for those you love, and the approval or disapproval of the peanut gallery doesn’t faze you.
There will always be cheerleaders and haters in any person’s life, even very mild-mannered and agreeable people.
You’ve made a decision to value yourself and accept yourself, and those who don’t become a kind of white noise that no longer has any impact on you.
This relates directly to the fourth sign that you’re becoming more integrated…
4) You’re not looking for somebody else to fulfill you
If you asked most people in a relationship or single whether they see love as a way of being fulfilled, many would say yes.
Romantic love is certainly a journey of growth, excitement, conflict and joy.
But it won’t make you anything you’re not already on the way to becoming.
This is why it’s one of the most important signs that you’re truly becoming secure with yourself that you genuinely aren’t looking for someone else to complete you.
Whether single or not, the idea of somebody being in your life who makes you “complete” doesn’t ring true to you.
Instead, you see love as a bringing together of two wholes, not two halves.
This makes all the difference and indicates a remarkable growth of inner maturity and security.
5) You’re chasing dreams that mean the world to you
Part of the reason you’re not looking for anyone to fulfill you is that you’re fulfilling yourself.
This means that you’re chasing dreams that mean the world to you.
This definitely brings up the question of whether you might just be swapping romantic or personal happiness with career or personal purpose as your new “idol.”
But here’s the difference:
In chasing dreams that truly matter to you and enliven you, you’re not objectifying the goal or the payoff as a future state of completion.
Instead, your love and passion for the process itself is what’s bringing meaning and security to you.
Even if you never become well known or make a million bucks, you’re trying your best at goals that actually matter to you and that brings you real joy and reinforces your sense that you are already whole and already good enough.
6) You take criticism with grace and are willing to change
Next up in the important signs you’re finally becoming more secure with who you are is that you take criticism with grace.
When we feel insecure and threatened, the first response to criticism is usually to lash out and hit back.
We deny, we redirect and we go on the attack.
But as a person with more inner security and certainty, you don’t take criticism that way.
The reason is clear:
If the criticism is unwarranted or false then you feel sorry for somebody so insecure and pathetic that they spend their time falsely tearing others down.
If the criticism is justified and has some truth in it, you feel genuinely glad for getting a pointer about what you can change and improve.
Why wouldn’t you?
We all have things we can do better and having that pointed out to us shouldn’t be taken as a personal slight or an offensive attack.
Seen in the best light, criticism can be a chance to learn and grow.
7) You accept even the weak or difficult parts of yourself
This relates back to what I discussed in terms of facing your shadow.
You are willing to admit the parts of yourself that are weak or even harmful to yourself or others.
This could be addictive tendencies, a bad temper, a tendency to forget things or a habit of betraying people’s trust.
It may be small aspects of yourself or bigger parts.
The difference here is that you don’t overexaggerate or focus on what’s not going right with you the way a very insecure person would;
You also don’t understate the issues you have the way a cocky or arrogant person would.
In such a way you maintain a balance between growing self-confidence and security while still being realistic about the areas where you’re not always at the top of your game.
8) You’re able to truly let past grudges go and move on
Because of your growing inner security, you’re truly able to let grudges go.
There’s a reason for this that’s really critical to understand:
When you forgive or let grudges go from a place of weakness, it’s generally not a good thing.
That’s because you’re perpetuating a cycle of disempowerment and loss: yes it’s OK that you stole my girlfriend and sent me into a year-long depression, I forgive you.
But when you’re on top of the world and feeling good about yourself it’s the right time to let grudges go and truly move on.
That’s because now you can truly mean it.
You’re in a powerful position, you’re hitting your goals, and you’re no longer operating from a place of scarcity and resentment.
You won’t need to push yourself to forgive or move on, you’ll want to.
You may even seek out people who did you wrong to let them know all is well and you have moved on.
That’s because you’re pumped up about your future and seeing the success of others, even those who may have treated you badly in the past, no longer causes you any real anger.
They can live their lives and you’ll live yours. So be it!
9) You are excited about the future instead of scared of it
The fact of the matter is that when you become more secure with who you are your whole worldview begins to shift.
You stop seeing yourself as a victim or passive recipient of events and circumstances: instead, you are the actor who goes out and does what they can to create circumstances out of what you’re given.
You start seeing the future as an exciting blank canvas rather than a dreadful vacuum that you’ll be sucked into.
This is a huge step forward:
When you start waking up excited for the day instead of dreading it, there’s no doubt that your inner sense of worth has reached a real milestone.
Inner security
Inner security doesn’t mean you never have self-doubts or make mistakes.
There is so much of life that’s outside our control, and missteps and doubts are a part of the package.
But the great thing about reaching a state of significant comfortability with yourself is that you become a much more effective, authentic and powerful person.
You know yourself and are secure in who you are and in what you want to achieve: this singularity of purpose and self-regard adds up to a winning formula as you approach the world.
Because even if your life remains a struggle, at least you’re not fighting futile battles anymore against yourself!
