Jelena Dincic
If you’re dating someone with a secure attachment style, you’ve hit the jackpot!
People with a secure attachment style are confident and aren’t afraid of intimacy.
And the best part?
Unlike people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles, secure attachment styles don’t come with all that baggage and drama.
So, the question is: How can you tell that you’re dating someone with a secure attachment style?
Read on to find out the signs!
1) Unafraid of intimacy
How many times in your past relationships have you heard, “This is moving way too fast for me” or, “You wouldn’t understand” or even that dreaded phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me?”
Well, those are all things uttered by people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
They’re the types who are afraid to open up and let another person in and that makes having a relationship with them difficult – sometimes even impossible.
But if you’re with someone who is on the same page as you, who isn’t afraid to get close to you and share their feelings, and who isn’t afraid of intimacy, it’s a surefire sign that they have a secure attachment style.
2) Ready for a commitment
Now, don’t worry, it doesn’t mean that they start every relationship thinking, “They’re the one!” or that they start planning their wedding after just a few weeks of dating.
That’s definitely not a healthy way to approach relationships, but that’s a whole other topic…
When I say “ready for a commitment” I mean to say that secure types enter relationships with an open mind and an open heart.
They’re looking for that special someone, and when they find them? They ain’t going nowhere, they’re staying put! They’re not afraid of committing to the right person.
3) Trustworthy and consistent
The thing about people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles is that they generally can’t be relied on.
They keep changing their minds, they don’t know what they want, and when things get serious, they have a tendency to chicken out.
You simply can’t trust them to be there for you and follow through on their commitments.
That’s why if you’re dating someone who makes you feel safe and valued, someone who is consistent and always keeps their word, chances are you’ve hit the jackpot.
People with a secure attachment style grew up with consistency and stability and that’s why they can be trusted and are not afraid to trust.
4) They value independence
On the one hand, some people are way too independent – the very idea of a relationship scares them.
They think they will lose themselves if they decide to share their lives with another person.
On the other hand, you’ve got people who are codependent!
They can’t seem to do anything by themselves and when you’re in a relationship with someone like that, it can feel like being joined at the hip. They literally can’t even decide what they want to eat by themselves!
Now, if you’re with someone who has a healthy sense of independence, then you’re lucky because that means you’re dating someone with a secure attachment style.
While they value spending time with you, they also like to pursue interests that don’t involve you and they encourage you to do the same.
6) They have good communication skills
People with a secure attachment style grew up with parents who were good at communicating.
So, from a young age, they learned to communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully.
They learned how to listen and respond.
And now?
They know how to express their needs and concerns and to disagree without tears and shouting – zero drama.
Sounds good, right?
7) They’re emotionally intelligent
Did you know that there are different kinds of intelligence?
That’s right, it’s not all about being a brainiac, you can also have emotional intelligence!
Basically what that means is being in touch with one’s emotions and knowing how to deal with them.
What’s more, it means being able to recognize other people’s emotions and respond in a kind and compassionate manner.
The bottom line?
If you’re dating someone who is emotionally intelligent, it’s another sign that you’re with someone who has a secure attachment style.
8) They’re comfortable in their skin
Here’s the thing:
Secure types don’t need external validation. They’re confident and comfortable in their skin!
Dating someone who is emotionally avoidant or anxious, who has low self-esteem, and is constantly looking to you to tell them that they’re “A good person worth loving” can put quite a bit of strain on your relationship.
I mean, you can’t be their lover and therapist and make up for what they lacked in their childhood, can you?
That’s why when you finally come across someone who doesn’t need external validation and who is comfortable in their skin, it can be a huge relief.
9) They’re not afraid of being alone
Turns out that a lot of people stay in unhappy and even toxic relationships because they’re afraid of being alone.
Maybe their parents split up when they were a kid, or maybe they weren’t around a lot and they were raised by the nanny.
Whatever the reason, when it comes to relationships, they’ll cling to their partner, desperate not to be abandoned.
But that’s not the case with secure types.
They’d rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship. They don’t find anything wrong or scary about solitude. And why should they?
So if they’re with you, they’re with you because they want to be, not because it beats being alone.
10) They’re not hung up on the past
The truth is that if you don’t deal with past hurts and you carry them around with you, you’re gonna have a hard time moving on and being happy in a new relationship.
Well, that is what people who are not secure do. They carry their emotional baggage with them and dump it onto the new person they’re dating.
They’re jealous and insecure. They’ll keep asking about your ex. They’ll wanna know who you’re texting with and where you were… you know the drill.
The good news is that someone with a secure attachment style has dealt with their past hurts. They’re over the past and ready for a new chapter.
In short: Secure types don’t let past experiences negatively affect their current relationships.
11) They’re good with boundaries
Listen up: Boundaries are good, they’re healthy, and they’re there for a reason.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t get that.
Probably because they didn’t have any boundaries growing up.
And let me tell you, it can be tough being in a relationship with someone like that.
So, if you’re dating someone who respects your personal space and never pushes you to do or talk about anything you’re not comfortable with, then you’re definitely with a secure attachment type
12) They have a healthy attachment to others
Okay, you’re probably wondering what on earth that means.
It means that they have good and healthy relationships with the people in their lives.
They talk to their parents about their lives. They’re friends with their siblings. They have family brunch together on Sundays.
It also means that they have close friendships and maintain healthy relationships with coworkers.
