When you’re too nice in your relationship it can create all sorts of havoc.
Even the most respectful partner will sometimes fall into very manipulative and negative patterns if you become too compliant.
Here are the warning signs to watch out for.
1) Your partner talks down to you
The first of the signs you’re being too “nice” in your relationship and your partner is taking advantage of you is when your partner talks down to you.
Toxic relationships often develop this pattern with one or both individuals talking down to each other.
Many times they barely even realize it’s happening.
The way to check this is to pay attention the next time your partner speaks to you.
What is their tone of voice? How are they treating you?
Be honest, because you might realize they’ve been talking to you in an awful way without you even noticing.
2) You rarely get a word in edgewise
The next of the signs that you’re actually being too nice and your partner’s taking advantage of it is that you are drowned out.
Whenever you try to say something, your partner cuts in or just talks louder than you.
More directly, they may tell you to be quiet and make it clear that what you have to say is not important.
This type of being pushed aside in conversations is a very core part of being overpowered in a negative sense.
If this is happening in your relationship, it shouldn’t be.
You’re being too nice.
3) You feel like a placeholder in your own relationship
The next of the important signs you’re being too “nice” in your relationship and your partner is taking advantage of you is that you feel like a placeholder.
You feel invisible and as if you’re only keeping the seat warm for the next contender who comes along.
This is a truly terrible feeling to have.
But it’s rarely random.
If you feel like your partner isn’t really committed to you, sometimes it’s because they’re not.
You can’t force it, true, but ignoring this feeling is also the wrong move.
In other words, if you are afraid to have difficult conversations in your relationship that are important to you, then it’s a definite sign you’re being overly nice.
The cost can be a badly broken heart that could have possibly been at least partly avoided by early and direct communication.
4) You are expected to provide everything your partner wants
Next up is that you are expected to give your partner everything he or she wants.
Whether that’s your money, your time, your attention or even your body, you are expected to be available in whatever way they expect.
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If you don’t show up right away to satisfy their demands you are accused of being uncaring or “punished” by them in various ways.
This is a really toxic pattern, but it needs to be talked about because it’s extremely common.
What makes it worse is that the nicer you are about it, the more an abusive or manipulative partner will take advantage of your niceness.
5) You’re emotionally blackmailed by your partner
There’s nothing wrong with being respectful and pleasant in a relationship, in fact it’s essential.
But being too nice can lead to being emotionally blackmailed.
This is when you are told that you are responsible for our partner’s emotional wellbeing and happiness.
Far from being OK, this is a very toxic and codependent teaching that drowns many people’s relationships in misery.
Emotional blackmail is often used to get you to do whatever your partner wants and to provide for their every need.
This often rests on the idea that if you don’t do everything they want then you’re not truly committed, which ties in directly to the next point…
6) Your partner demands that you ‘prove’ you love them
Quite commonly, emotional blackmail in a relationship will take the form of your partner manipulating you into doing or agreeing to certain things to “prove” you love them.
Whether this be in giving them what they want, saying what they want, doing what they want or even something seemingly small like changing your appearance or style to conform to what they want, it’s always wrong.
There’s always such a thing as asking your partner nicely to try to change something about what they do or how they look.
But saying that they must do something in order to prove their love is toxic to the core.
If this is being done to you and you’re going along with it, you’re too nice by a country mile.
There’s no way to win such a game, and even trying to play is a losing prospect right from the start.
7) You are accused of being needy or selfish if you talk about what you want
If and when you do talk about you want with a manipulative partner, they will tell you that you’re being unreasonable.
The formula here is simple:
Your needs are wrong, stupid, groundless or excessive, whereas your partner’s needs are reasonable, obvious, necessary and basic.
This is what you are supposed to agree with.
This kind of disgusting gaslighting happens all too often in relationships and it shouldn’t.
Don’t go along with this one-sided kind of arrangement.
8) You’re financially taken advantage of by your partner
Next up in the signs you’re being too “nice” in your relationship and your partner is taking advantage of you is financial exploitation.
This deserves its own mention because it’s so common and so damaging.
Not only does letting your partner leech off you erode your financial wellbeing and future, it also destroys your self-respect.
If you’re so nice that you can’t say no to giving out your credit card or hefting all the bills, you’re not going to make it far in a relationship.
Unless your goal is to be a downtrodden doormat in a downtown homeless shelter.
9) Your partner flirts with others but dismisses your jealousy
Another of the signs that you need to draw a bit stricter lines in your relationship is that your partner openly flirts with others and expects you not to care.
If you even mention it at all, you’re accused of jealousy.
There are many forms that this can take including chatting and sharing photos online, winking at people, mentioning their looks when you’re out or maintaining close friendships that seem to cross the “friend” boundary.
If you notice this happening in your relationship but feel it would be intruding to ask about it, you’ve already disempowered yourself.
You have no right to control your partner, true. But respectfully inquiring into their interest in other people is not controlling.
It’s a perfectly fair question.
10) You are threatened and given frequent ultimatums
Many of the worst experiences in relationships happen from being too nice.
You can sometimes end up on the receiving end of a lot of ultimatums.
These ultimatums often take the form of emotional manipulation.
“Do this or say this, or else I’ll leave.”
“If you break up with me I’ll hurt myself.”
And so on.
The basic common element in all the ultimatums goes back to the emotional blackmail I spoke about earlier:
You’re pressured to go along with your partner or to feel responsible for their wellbeing or anything bad they do if you don’t do everything they want.
If you fall into this and allow it to keep happening you’re being way too nice.
Flipping the script
Turning the tables and flipping the script is all about respecting yourself first and foremost.
You can’t be in a truly healthy and loving relationship if you’re being overly nice.
No matter how much you love your partner, nothing excuses allowing yourself to be a doormat for them.
It’s vital to stand up for yourself and state your boundaries clearly.
This is either the end of your relationship or the start of a much more fulfilling chapter in it.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
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