Are you a sapiosexual who’s romantically and sexually attracted to intelligence?
Here’s how to know if you are as well.
1) You’ve dumped really hot people and not thought twice about it
I have to put this at the very top of the signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on, because it’s so true.
Have you ever dumped someone who your friends just couldn’t believe you would let go due to their incredibly handsome or beautiful physical looks?
“Man, do you even realize how incredibly hot she was? F*ck me… How can you break up with a chick like that?
Was she, like, super psycho … or something?”
Yet here you are moving on and not even feeling regret about it.
Because the intellectual connection just wasn’t there with this person. You found them dull, uninspiring, and mentally mediocre.
Shorter: you found them boring and didn’t enjoy talking to them.
2) You get turned on by talking, not by making out
The second of the key signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on is that your main erogenous zone isn’t someone else’s lips, it’s what comes out of their lips.
In other words, the intelligent comments and statements of a potential mate are what rev up your engine, not kissing them or even having sex.
Sure you may love those things, but what really makes you fall in love or want to stay with someone is that they have something to say that you find worth hearing.
Make no mistake about it:
3) You enjoy a good debate
Have you ever been out on a date and a controversial subject comes up?
I can tell you roughly what happened when this occurred with me when I was out on dates: in 90% of cases the other person got spooked, acted uncomfortable or dropped some kind of thought-terminating cliche.
For example: “well, the world sure is crazy.”
“I just think we need to respect everyone’s beliefs, I guess.”
“Life is hard, who knows.”
“Communism would be such a great system if only human nature were different.”
These may be true, false (or even basically meaningless), but they basically end the conversation.
They act as a f*ck you to continuing a real discussion because they don’t really allow much thought or exploration.
In rare cases, the other person actually engages with the conversation and tries out some critical thinking.
“What exactly is ‘so crazy’ about the world? How much of the world is a matter of our own perception versus objective reality?”
“Why should we respect everyone’s beliefs, exactly? Should I respect a tribe’s right to engage in FGM (female genital mutilation?) or women being stoned for adultery in some cultures?”
“What’s hard about life? How much of our suffering is created by the circumstances of our birth, our genetics or our own self-sabotage?”
“Why do some people claim communism a ‘great system?’ What exactly about it is supposedly exemplary or worthy and how does it accord or not accord with the values I espouse?”
When you’re a sapiosexual the first thought ending cliches are like an industrial strength boner killer or panty-drier.
The second critical thinking discussion subjects? They’re like popping ten viagras.
4) You use date settings to screen potential mates
The next of the signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on is that you use date settings to screen potential mates.
In other words, you suggest going out on dates to places where you will be able to judge a potential mate’s brains.
I’m talking museums, art galleries, avant garde cinemas, historical reenactments, theater productions, experimental slam poetry evenings, your friend’s weird but hauntingly beautiful music that nobody quite gets.
You don’t want a typical date or a cheap prelude to a sticky sheet slam session.
You’re not going to watch a superhero film with stupid rays shooting everywhere or go to a restaurant with Katy Perry blaring on the TV.
You want to see if this man or woman is actually interesting or smart in any real way.
You may indeed be attracted to them physically and be checking out their bum, but you also want to see if they’re actually packing anything in their cerebrum.
5) A clever text rocks your world, but sexting generally bores you
How do you feel about sexting?
Many of us may have engaged in it and had some fun, but it’s not equally exciting to all participants.
For the sapiosexual, a gleaming male member or beautiful set of breasts is plenty nice, but it’s nothing next to a witty pun or a clever observation.
One of the top signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on is that you prefer texting about smart topics and inside jokes than sexting.
You have your sexy moments, but even those may often have moments of intellectual weirdness and depth to them.
You just don’t find playing bocce with body parts very interesting if it doesn’t have some element of intellectual or mental intrigue and magic to it.
You want that deep conversation, that incredibly seductive line of poetry, that riddle that keeps you up at night and gets you mystified.
You’re a sapiosexual, babe.
6) You flirt with your mind
None of us like mind games in the sense of manipulative tactics and playing with emotions.
But if you’re a sapiosexual, then you enjoy flirting with your mind.
You don’t tell a girl she’s the sexiest woman you’ve ever seen and you want to see her in a seashell bikini.
You quote a line of Shelley at her or buy her a shirt with a convoluted pun on it and wink.
You don’t tell the cute guy at the bookstore that he’s got a nice smile.
You buy him a book about charming serial killers with jovial personalities and put a note inside for him to call you.
You flirt with your mind. You flirt with your words (or even your tactical silences).
You flirt in subtle but powerful ways that hit smart people right in the feels.
Welcome to the wild world of the sapiosexual.
7) You fall in love with characters from books
This one is a little sad, but let’s go there…
Another of the key signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on is that you tend to be an idealist.
You fall in love with fictional characters from books, films or series who embody the kind of traits you’re looking for in a man or woman.
You tend to find yourself somewhat disappointed by the majority of those you date or meet on encounters and dates.
This can lead to increasingly turning to fantasy or falling in love with an image and an ideal.
You know it must exist in the real world somewhere, but you’re not quite sure where.
So for now you flip another page and your eyes live another life…
8) Friendzoning isn’t a final decision for you
Another of the top signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on is that friendzoning isn’t always a final decision for you.
If you friendzone a guy or girl, that can change depending on your connection going forward.
You may not feel that physically or emotionally into someone and tell them you’d prefer to be friends.
But they grow on you in terms of their intelligence, or you realize that they have changed and become much more interesting…
Suddenly, they’re back on your dating radar.
Your sapiosexual tripwires are all being set off and you’re looking to drag them out of the friendzone and back into romantic territory.
9) You’re not looking for a yes man (or yes woman)
Another of the big signs you’re a sapiosexual and intelligence turns you on is that you like a bit of friction.
As I mentioned earlier, sapiosexuals like a good debate.
Having a partner or lover who agrees with everything you say starts to actively decrease your attraction to them.
It’s not that you don’t like nice people. It’s just that you like nice people who aren’t boring.
There’s one exception to this, which is that you may still be very attracted to someone who agrees with you a lot as long as they are actually agreeing and have detailed thought out positions of why they do rather than just trying to get on your good side.
“Intellectual conversations or debates are sexually arousing.
“Bookstore hangouts, documentary screenings, or museums are your idea of a good date.
“Physical foreplay doesn’t get you excited, but deep, exploratory conversation does.
“You reject potential partners who aren’t intellectually stimulating, even if they have other redeeming qualities.
“You like having your positions challenged”
Whisper that in my ear, darling
Sapiosexuals are a growing category of individuals who are attracted to intelligence.
This can include emotional intelligence and is far from just being about intellectual ability.
However at the end of the day, a sapiosexual finds it difficult to become or stay aroused by a partner who’s not intelligent and intellectually engaging to them.
Sapiosexuals still care about physical attraction.
Sapiosexuals still care about what they feel and their emotional connection with someone.
But unlike those for whom an intellectual bond is optional, the sapiosexual needs it to truly fall in love.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.