Tina Fey
Don’t be fooled, it’s not status, wealth, or even the perfect six-pack that makes a high-quality guy.
In fact, flashy guys who are overly confident may profess to be “high value” but in reality, they may simply be caught up in arrogance.
The value of a man comes down to his character.
Does he strive to be his best version?
How he shows up for himself and others tells you everything you need to know.
At the end of the day, psychology tells us that it’s some humbling qualities that make a man high quality.
1) You give a damn about others
Far from being out for number one, cooperation and collaboration are important to you.
You care about those around you.
You show empathy, kindness, consideration, and altruism as much as you can.
Ok, so nobody is a complete angel. But the bottom line is that you do care about other people’s feelings.
You’re not prepared to trample on others to get ahead in life.
If winning means being a jerk, you’re not willing to cross that line.
That’s why you don’t need anyone watching over you. As we’ll see next, you have the maturity to know how to behave with decency.
2) You police your own behavior
You don’t need anyone to keep you in line, you live by your own code of conduct.
Let’s face it, some guys do feel like if they can get away with something, then what’s the harm in it?
Yet high-quality men have morals and principles to guide them.
You do the right thing, not because you’re worried about getting caught out, but because it’s the right thing.
The reality is that doing what’s right isn’t always easy. It takes inner strength and determination.
It also requires the ability to get real with yourself, and that involves self-awareness as we’re about to see.
3) You know your flaws, but you’re working on them
High-quality men tend to have plenty of emotional intelligence.
This skill not only allows them to have stronger relationships with others but also helps them to have a healthier connection to themselves.
That’s because self-awareness is a key component of having a high EQ. It helps you to evaluate yourself and that’s essential for personal growth.
Psychologists Shelley Duval and Robert Wicklund describe self-awareness as, “the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don’t align with your internal standards. If you’re highly self-aware, you can objectively evaluate yourself, manage your emotions, align your behavior with your values, and understand correctly how others perceive you.”
To develop ourselves, it helps to be able to see ourselves clearly.
That involves accepting who you are, including your weaknesses and your flaws, yet believing that you can continuously evolve.
In many ways, it’s about a growth mindset that focuses on learning and improvement over perfection.
4) You believe the buck stops with you
In a nutshell, this all comes down to whether you accept responsibility for your life.
Rather than make excuses, you look for what you can control.
This is incredibly powerful.
When we’re always looking to blame someone or something, we quickly fall into victimhood.
Rather than look for solutions, we then get lost in those excuses, and it keeps us stuck.
Guys who take responsibility for themselves can tap into a deeper source of motivation, as psychologist and psychotherapist Sebastian Salicru explains.
“Taking responsibility empowers us by making us accountable for our own behavior, to think critically, perform well under pressure, and handle challenges with ease. Owning our decisions provides us with a powerful focus on what we want. Responsibility begins with knowing what we want and creating a plan to get there – not because of a sense of duty, but from our own desire.”
5) You want to build others up
We shouldn’t confuse a high-quality guy with an alpha male.
Because it’s not about dominance. Quite the opposite.
A high-quality man seeks to lift others up. He wants those around him to succeed. He is a team player.
That’s because he isn’t insecure in himself, so he doesn’t get caught up in petty jealousy.
It’s often those who lack self-esteem that enjoy tearing people down.
It makes their ego feel better, as explained by the therapy site, Regain.
“By trying to make another person feel small, a person who bullies may feel bigger, more important, or more impressive, at least for a moment. They may feel superior in that they can assert their dominance over another person. It could also make them feel strong or powerful to beat another person down.
“This desire may come from an individual’s low or negative view of themselves, and the bullying could be a defense mechanism they have developed to try to shield themselves.”
I know a woman who used to date a guy who kept talking about how high-value he was.
Yet in reality, he used this self-diagnosed label to create a sense of superiority.
He felt justified in belittling her, making everything her fault, and convincing her he was never in the wrong — because he was so perfect.
Bottom line:
There’s nothing high value about thinking you are better than everyone else and putting others down.
6) You value purpose
Purpose is the new success.
Don’t get me wrong. That’s not to say that achieving things in life can’t be great. As we’ve already seen, growth brings with it expansion.
Doing well academically, earning good money, climbing the career ladder, building a business — all of these things can feel incredibly rewarding.
Yet without meaning behind it, you may find it feels empty or unfulfilling.
Plus, a lack of material wealth or accolades in your life is not a sign you are unsuccessful either.
Meaning and purpose are where we find value, and that’s what counts most.
That will look different to every man, based on your personality, beliefs, and preferences.
But as author, John Coleman points out in Harvard Business Review, there is no success without significance.
“I’ve spent the last decade writing on leadership and personal development, particularly the topic of purpose, and one of the key insights from that work is the hollow nature of material success when it is absent of meaning.
“Success without significance — which I define as purpose, service, and meaningful relationships — is not really success at all. And waiting until you’re in the latter half of your life to achieve true success is a waste.”
High-quality men strive for purpose in their lives.
7) You are emotionally strong
Being emotionally strong doesn’t mean keeping everything to yourself and bottling it up.
As one psychological study points out, “Emotional strength is the ability to respond in an open and vulnerable way in the face of intense emotional experience, feeling one’s way deeper into the emotion which allows access to implicit functional processes”.
It’s finding that sweet spot of embracing your feelings, yet being able to understand and regulate them so that they don’t get the better of you.
That’s why high-quality men can express how they feel and communicate that in healthy ways to others.
Rather than spew feelings over others and fly off the handle, they try to find ways of coping and using healthy outlets.
This emotional regulation over time is what helps us to build greater resilience. That way, we’re better equipped to deal with life’s inevitable ups and downs.
So, to recap, an emotionally mature and strong man:
- Thinks it’s important to regulate their emotions
- Is prepared to show vulnerability
- Is good at communicating how they feel
- Builds emotional resilience by embracing rather than denying their feelings
8) You’re not afraid of a bit of hard work
A high-quality man isn’t born, he is made.
All progress requires effort.
We know this, but rolling up our sleeves and getting down to it isn’t always easy.
But a high-quality guy ultimately wants to take care of himself, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
So he is prepared to put in the work.
That can mean:
- Setting goals and working toward them
- Learning new skills, broadening your knowledge, and staying open to opportunities
- Being prepared to push your comfort zone
- Embracing and accepting failure as part of any learning curve
- Working on your confidence and building yourself up
Who you are today doesn’t have to define who you will be tomorrow. We can all change and advance.
But the habits we build and how we apply ourselves (or not) will dictate whether you grow and flourish or stay the same.
The packaging may be different, but high-quality men share similar cores
We’re all different, so there isn’t a narrowly definable personality that is indicative of a high-quality man.
It’s more about what you fundamentally stand for.
If you’re all about respect, high standards, decency, compassion, integrity, good communication, inner strength, and self-responsibility then congrats —you are officially a high-quality man!
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