As a parent, we all try our best. But it can still feel like nothing you do is ever quite good enough.
I think that’s part of the territory.
Sure, it’s one of the most rewarding roles any of us can have, but it’s also one of the most challenging.
That means it’s easy to doubt yourself.
But chances are you’re doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for, and here’s the proof according to psychology.
1) You love your kids no matter what
We want our kids to be successful and happy. That’s the end goal for any parent.
But we may overcomplicate things in the process.
You might feel guilty if you can’t afford the fancied private schools, the latest gadgets, or countless hobbies and activities in the hopes of enriching their lives.
But decades of research reveal the number one most important factor when it comes to good parenting is perhaps the most humble:
Love and affection.
- You support and accept your child
- You are physically affectionate towards them
- You spend quality time with them
- You love them unconditionally
The author of the study research psychologist Robert Epstein concluded that:
“Our experts agreed, and our data showed that this skill set is an excellent predictor of good outcomes with children: of the quality of the relationship we have with our children, of their happiness, and even of their health. What’s more, parents are better at this skill than they are at any of the others.”
Loving your child is something that comes naturally, yet it’s still by far the best thing you can do for them.
2) You’re willing to put them first
Plenty of parents find that any selfish streak they may have had beforehand starts to melt away when they become moms or dads.
Nothing teaches us selflessness like parenthood. All of a sudden, our needs and wants seem far less consequential.
This desire to put your child first is one of the things that makes you a good parent according to research done by the University of Wollongong in Australia.
According to their study which drew together the opinions of experts, everyone agreed about “the necessity for parents to put their child’s needs before their own. This was defined as ‘a parent’s ability to identify their child as a dependent person, prioritising the child’s needs, which may involve sacrifice and protection’.”
Your main focus is to keep your child safe and protected, and you are willing to give up certain things to do that.
Importantly though, keeping them safe doesn’t mean making sure they never fail, as we’re about to find out.
3) You don’t fix all of your kid’s problems
Funnily enough, this can be one of the things that make us feel like we’re failing our kids, but it’s quite the opposite.
They may come to us having a hard time and it’s instinctive to want to make them feel better.
We wish we could take their pain and their problems and make them disappear.
But contrary to what we may sometimes feel, it’s actually not our job to protect our children from hardship.
Here’s the psychology behind it as explained by Empowering Parents:
“When you step in and “fix” things for your child because you want to avoid your own difficult emotions, you are robbing your child of a growth opportunity that may never come again. In order for children to learn how to do hard things, you have to let them go through hard times.”
Instead, pediatric psychologist Dr. Meghan Walls says we should switch our perspective to one where we help kids figure it out themselves.
“I like to compare parents and caregivers to scaffolding on buildings − it is our job to provide our kids with the support they need as we help them develop the tools to solve their problems. Being there, validating kids and talking with them while they face the hard stuff is what makes kids resilient.”
4) You take the lead but you don’t have to take charge
If your kids can feel like a handle sometimes (and isn’t that all kids?!) then take comfort in knowing that an inability to “control” them is a good sign.
Because there’s an important difference between taking control and taking the lead.
Controlling parents are often trying to instill discipline in the hopes of guiding their kids in the right direction.
But as Psychology Today explains, it often backfires:
“Many parents believe they should control children at all times, directing them to fit their own vision of what type of person they should become. Such parents may be shocked and angered when children resist such pushing, leading to power struggles and potentially years of conflict. Parents who instead focus on baseline expectations and standards for responsibility and routines, and stick to them, while working to understand their children’s temperament and emotional needs, can form a connection with their kids and work with them to discover and pursue their own interests.”
So-called authoritative parenting is what psychologists say is the best approach to take.
Studies have shown it’s more likely to create confident kids who achieve academic success, enjoy better social skills and do better when it comes to problem-solving.
Here’s what it looks like in practical terms:
- Good communication with your child and considering their thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions
- Encouraging independence
- Being involved in your child’s progress and growth
- Helping your child reflect and learn from experiences
5) You’re reliable
Do you show up for your kid, in practical and emotional ways?
If you’re there for them at the end of the day, then that’s such a big part of it.
The fundamental thing that makes someone reliable isn’t behaving perfectly all the time. Parents don’t need to always get it right.
It all rests on consistency.
That’s the key.
So says that study we mentioned earlier at the University of Wollongong. Experts agreed that children need their parents to be consistent.
That’s things like stability and routine in the home, but also consistent discipline and establishing boundaries.
As one psychologist in the study said: “It’s (consistency) probably the word I say the most during interventions! When you’re dealing with any behaviour, the faster you become consistent the sooner things will improve.”
6) You’re aware of all the ways you get it wrong
Guess what?
Even the very fact that you underestimate your parenting skills could be a good thing.
That’s because research has proven that people who overestimate their abilities at things tend to be worse.
The Dunning-Kruger effect is a psychological phenomenon that says overconfident types are not actually the top performers.
Meanwhile, people who think they are average, or even slightly below, often are the ones who demonstrate greater skill.
As explained by the Decision Lab:
“Those who lack knowledge about a given task may also lack the insight that they need to know that they could do better. Not knowing much about something causes them to miss their own mistakes, and lose the opportunity to improve.”
This is significant when applied to parenting as research shows it’s not just something you’re born knowing how to do, it’s a trainable skill.
For example, data confirmed that parents who had taken parenting classes produced better outcomes with their children than parents who lacked training.
The bottom line is it’s not about always feeling like you’ve done everything right. It’s about being prepared to reflect, learn, and grow as a parent.
7) You love time to yourself and sometimes want space away from your kid
Guilt is an overriding emotion that many parents experience.
We mentioned earlier that putting your kids first makes you a good parent. But there is a caveat:
That certainly doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs.
Enjoying time and space from your child has zero to do with how much you love them.
In fact, it’s a positive sign as it’s about being proactive in taking care of your mental health.
Because the research clearly shows that this affects not just you, but your child too.
There’s even evidence that a parent’s stress can imprint on children’s genes, and the effects last a very long time.
Investing in things that help you to destress, like exercise, hobbies, nurturing your relationships, and taking time for yourself helps you to fill your cup and shouldn’t be something to ever feel bad about.
Balancing love and structure
Studies suggest that being good at parenting is a balancing act.
The best-adjusted kids are raised by parents who strike a balance between warmth and sensitivity, yet with clear behavioral expectations.
But there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. It’s a journey and a learning curve that will last a lifetime.
So be compassionate towards yourself and recognize the many ways you’re doing a good job!
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