We’ve all heard the horror stories from friends and loved ones:
Their partners who stalked them and followed their every move, their partners who ruined the relationship with constant accusations and jealous obsessions.
That’s why having a partner who’s not like that is such a relief.
Sadly, however, there’s a catch:
If you’re in a relationship that’s just starting out, or a relationship that’s still in the honeymoon phase, the cracks may only now be starting to show.
It’s important to keep an eye out for fault lines that can start appearing so that you can address them before they blow up the relationship. I’m speaking from experience here.
That’s why I’ve put together this list of the top indications that your partner has a bigger jealous streak and insecure tendencies than you thought at first.
Let’s unwrap this hot potato topic…
1) They waver on supporting your decisions
Let’s be clear:
Nobody has any obligation to agree with your life decisions even if they’re your partner and they love you.
But when you notice a pattern of indifference or low-key hostile vibes from your partner, it’s a sign that they’re not a very confident or straightforward person.
After all, if they don’t like what you’re deciding they should at least have the bravery to be honest with you, and if they do like your choices they should show that emotional support.
2) They are highly possessive and monitor you
This sign often doesn’t show up until the honeymoon period is over, but if and when it does appear it’s a very toxic trait.
Your partner may start slowly asking more and more questions that seem a bit like an interrogation.
Then they begin checking why you were at a place for so long, or why your work went late.
Then the questions become more pointed and they make little sarcastic expressions indicating they don’t really buy into what you’re saying or don’t appreciate the time you spend away from them.
3) They want access to your passwords and social media
The next step of the jealousy cycle is often a desire for you to share passwords for your social media, phone and so on.
This goes hand-in-hand with basically telling you what’s OK to post or not, or at least getting mad if you flirt online in even the smallest way.
This behavior often creeps up slowly as I said, which is part of why many of us never expect it would happen.
“Control what I can post or try to start fights over it? That doesn’t sound like my girlfriend!”
Oh, really? Wait a couple of months…
4) They want control of your friendships and social life
When a jealous and insecure partner begins prying into your online life, it’s only a matter of time before they start prying into your offline life.
This means they will start wanting to have a say in your friendships and social life.
They want to get the final vote in who you hang out with and why, as well as how you divide up your time.
“Why do you spend so much time with X?” should not be something you’re hearing from a partner with healthy self-esteem and boundaries.
If they are insecure about it they can phrase it in a less accusatory manner.
5) They frequently criticize your friends and family
Part of the inappropriate prying into your offline life comes with the criticisms of your friends and family.
In deciding and weighing in on who you should be friends with and what they think of your family members, an insecure partner hopes to control your world.
They are taking a paintbrush and drawing a new horizon line that they don’t want you to cross beyond.
“This is your new universe, designed by me, and your friend X or your uncle Y doesn’t fit inside it.”
Make no mistake about it:
This type of behavior is toxic to the core…
6) They expect to be invited out on any social occasions
If and when your significant other does like your friends, they expect to be a plus one.
The idea that you have a life apart from them seems to bother them at some deep and instinctive level.
They just won’t accept it, or they pretend to be fine with it and then pout.
If you even waver about inviting them or mentioning a social outing of some kind, they act like you were lying or excluding them.
It’s a definite sign your partner has serious abandonment and insecurity issues.
7) They expect quick texts back and calls back even if you’re busy
If and when you are out on your own, does your partner get annoyed when you don’t text or call back right away?
Even grocery shopping or getting an oil change:
They expect that you’re available and demand to know why you didn’t at least let them know you were busy.
Maybe it’s because you were too busy to say you were too busy? It happens!
And plus, you shouldn’t have to justify yourself being busy. It’s exhausting.
8) They take any need for space on your part as a rejection and insult
The need for space is not an insult in any way. Almost all of us need space sometimes, even the most extroverted.
But an insecure and narcissistic partner often takes it the wrong way.
If all your attention isn’t directed their way as much as possible, they feel slighted.
They think that a need for space is against them even when it’s not.
9) They deny being possessive and say it’s just love
If and when you do bring up any of these concerns to your partner, how do they react?
A reasonable partner will listen to what you’re saying and promise to try their best to relax a bit.
But a partner who’s deeply insecure and jealous will go into denial:
They will say that all their possessive and controlling behavior is love. They aren’t trying to control you at all, they just love you a lot.
This is one of the worst delusions that an insecure person can engage in, so it’s crucial that you don’t believe it.
10) They take criticism personally and bristle at the smallest slight
Nobody’s going to be perfect in any relationship, neither you nor anybody you’re with.
If you criticize an aspect of your partner, you shouldn’t have to fear their response.
But insecure people don’t take criticism well:
In fact, they tend to get very upset and take it quite personally.
11) They try to build up a world where you only trust them
The insecure and jealous partner will often try to manipulate you into paranoia and distrust of everyone but them.
They want to create a world in which they are your only “safe harbor.”
They will do this in many different ways, casting doubt on the opinions and motivations of other people in your life.
By catching your ear and repeating doubts enough, they hope that you will eventually fully lean on them and take them as your source of truth.
12) They expect you to ‘prove’ how much you love them
Tests are something most of us dread in school, and they’re not much better in relationships either.
In fact, they’re kind of humiliating and patronizing.
Why should you have to “prove” that you love somebody?
If you aren’t given the chance to freely demonstrate it, how would they even know if it’s authentic?
13) They seek frequent validation of your feelings for them
Insecure and controlling partners tend to be very emotionally needy.
They seek validation of your feelings for them almost all the time.
Whether that’s in waiting for you to laugh at a joke they make or earlier signs I mentioned like expecting a quick reply to any text, it all comes from the same root:
Insecurity and a need to be constantly validated.
14) They don’t want you to evolve if it takes you away from their orbit
The worst thing about a controlling and insecure partner is that they often stand in the way of your own growth.
They don’t want you to evolve if it directs you away from them or the relationship in any way, even if that just means spending more of your time on something else and still being together with them.
This makes any support they give transactional, since it hinges on supporting only thing which they believe will give more of your time to them.
As you can see, many of these traits of a jealous and insecure partner are narcissistic, manipulative and downright toxic.
If you see some of them appearing in your relationship, be careful and address them head on.
No matter the feelings you have for somebody, repressing or denying issues that come up is a recipe for disaster.