I broke up with my ex a year ago. It was a bad breakup, I won’t sugarcoat it.
He’d been paying no attention to me and coasting in the relationship and it wasn’t enough for me anymore.
Every time I even tried to talk like him the guy would act like he was doing me a favor by even giving me a smidgen of his attention!
The problem is that even though his negligence was driving me nuts, I still loved him, even after we split up.
Finding out he was dating someone new and that it was serious only three months after we broke up was ridiculously painful and awful.
Here is how to find out if this is what’s going on with your ex and what you can do about it.
1) You hear about their new relationship through mutual friends
One of the unfortunate signs your ex is seeing someone else is that friends tell you about it.
Now sometimes this can be more of a rumor or something that’s more about teasing you than reality.
But let’s face it:
Sometimes friends let you know that your ex is with someone new because it’s just true.
They want to keep you updated about what’s going on with someone you once cared about.
So they’re letting you know that your former partner is in deep with someone new and that you’re fully out of luck.
2) They grow even more distant from you
If you’re no longer with your partner then you’re disconnected at least in the most basic sense.
But one of the unfortunate signs your ex is seeing someone else is that they grow even more distant from you.
The occasional text or “hi” when you see them drifts into nothing at all.
They’re off the map, and you’re wondering if you’re still on their radar at all.
Who could blame you?
You’re sending out a distress signal and wondering if anyone’s receiving that sucker!
When we have feelings for someone we want to know what’s up on the other end. What could be more natural than this?
But they drift away…
They’re not receiving your signal or they are and they’re ignoring it anyway.
3) They stop paying any attention to your social media
If you’re looking for unfortunate signs your ex is seeing someone else, look no further than them completely removing their attention from your social media.
These days this is the romantic death knell.
It means they’re done with you and seeing someone else, at least for now.
When this happened to me with my ex, I went a bit berserk.
I started looking for any breadcrumbs that would show me my ex was still into me.
I didn’t find any breadcrumbs because they weren’t there.
It took me so long to accept this, because it was so damn painful to realize somebody I’d poured my heart and soul into was ditching me like a piece of trash in his recycle bin.
But if they’re never checking out what you’re doing online I’m very sorry to say: they’re not into you anymore or at least they’re with someone new.
4) They give you back all your belongings, even the small stuff
Depending how serious your relationship was with this individual, you may have had a shared living space or given each other various gifts and items.
When your ex is giving that stuff back it’s a not-too-subtle sign that they’ve fully turned over from that chapter of their life.
They’re dating someone new, into a new phase or at least fully done with you.
This is also super hard to accept, of course, and it can be really humiliating.
Why are they giving you back that decorative bottle opener you bought in Romania?
And what about the mini-vacuum you gifted them on your anniversary?
That’s nasty shit and it’s not something I ever would have wanted to be a part of.
But here I was.
And you might find yourself up the same creek.
But it’s also par for the course when it comes to an ex who’s dating someone new and trying to make a clean break from all links to the past and to you.
5) They make life changes in line with a new relationship
What is your ex doing in his or her life?
My ex was making all the moves of a man in love with someone new.
Shifting his job location, changing his address, all of that.
Because he was with someone new. At least that’s what I suspected.
When it was confirmed to me by a close mutual friend it honestly came as no surprise at all.
Because I’d seen all the signs.
He’d been adjusting everything to his new life and new love.
Looking at it objectively I saw exactly how all my ex’s actions accorded with his new priorities.
It hurt. But it was also a wake-up call.
In fact, it got me to contact a relationship coach.
This turned out to be a great decision, and I linked up with an accredited love coach at Relationship Hero.
My coach really helped me recognize what was going on in my ex’s life and to read the signs that he was seeing someone new.
Coming to terms with this as well as getting tips to deal with it were a big game-changer in my life.
6) They’re not jealous of your new relationship (like, at all)
Jealousy is not a good thing, which I’ll get to later.
But it can be a way to measure how much interest somebody has in you.
If your ex isn’t jealous at all of you dating someone new or being out and about and flirting on social media, it’s a definite sign they are likely seeing someone new.
When they don’t even ask what’s up in your life or what’s changed, it can’t be read as anything else but a clear signal of disinterest and disengagement.
Take it for what it is: your ex has moved on and is likely exploring a new relationship.
This is most often the simplest explanation for why they simply don’t really much care whether or not you’re dating someone new or going out with new people.
7) They’re never available when you want to meet
Then there’s availability.
Many of us are so busy, but when you’re single and looking you often find that you’re making yourself at least a little bit available for somebody you’re attracted to.
That’s why I always caution my girlfriends to watch out for guys who are never available and never have any time for them.
This includes exes.
When an ex never has time to meet it usually means they’re just not single anymore.
They don’t have time because their attention is fully focused on someone new.
Is that always the situation? Of course not.
But it often is, so let’s be honest about it.
8) They display their new love online for all to see
If your ex is showing their new relationship online then this is obviously one of the unfortunate signs your ex is seeing someone else.
An exception is when they are bragging way too much and it’s obviously just an attempt to prove they’re over you when they’re not.
How to tell if it’s for real or not?
My recommendation for you here is to look at the realistic signs of a relationship.
Do you sense some real affection between him or her and the other person in their photos?
Is there a trail of comments or interests that seem to link the two of them?
Or is this just a pretty face who he’s posting to try to get your attention and annoy you?
Usually once you spend some time looking into it you’ll see which it is.
9) They tell you that they’re seeing someone else and it’s serious
Then we get to them just directly telling you.
There aren’t many ways to interpret this one, but I will say that sometimes words don’t mean everything they’re cracked up to be.
So he tells you he’s with someone new, fine.
But how serious is it?
How long has he been seeing her?
How deep is their bond?
More often than not, it depends more on context than just the words.
If you’ve been pursuing your ex and he or she tells you they’re with someone, it may be a legitimate attempt to save your time and feelings.
But if they’re volunteering this information and proactively bragging or presenting you with their new relationship, then red flags should be going up about why they’re doing that.
10) They block you everywhere possible
Blocking can be very tricky to interpret.
It means you can no longer easily see many things your ex is getting up to.
Could it be because they’re with someone new? Of course.
But it could also be that they are just sick of you or trying not to miss you anymore.
If you’ve been blocked, you’re best off investigating other avenues as well and seeing what else is going on.
If you see various other signs that they’re dating someone else then that’s probably what it is.
If the block doesn’t connect to any other warning signs of them being with someone new, it may be unrelated to your ex seeing someone else.
What you can do about it
When you’re faced with an ex who’s moved on and started dating someone new, you’re going to be awash in emotions.
I’m talking about difficult emotions like fear, sadness, anger and confusion.
Work on your own life
It’s key that you start working on your own life.
Set up a stricter schedule and start focusing on your professional goals.
Give yourself rest days and take time for yourself as well.
Stop thinking that your ex is going to come back in the picture or that it might work out.
Assume the worst: he or she is going to marry this new person! You need to make the best of whatever’s left.
Start dating new people
Then let’s talk about dating new people:
Whenever you feel comfortable, this is something I recommend doing.
Getting out there, even if it’s slowly, will give you back a sense of agency in your own life.
You have the capacity to meet someone new and if it doesn’t turn into anything romantic, at the very least you may have a new friend.
Fill up your book of social engagements and try talking to new people day by day.
Your ex may be someone you still care about, but they made their choice.
Control your imagination
Your imagination is going to be telling you all sorts of things about your ex and what they’re up to.
Depending on how much you see online, you may feel your imagination and jealousy run wild about it as well.
This is where your imagination can sadly become a kind of enemy.
It may picture a romanticized version of this other person and see them in a golden light that’s not real or in a dark light as a kind of villain.
Your ex is just a person like you. Don’t let your imagination turn them into an idol or a monster.
Believe in your own worth for real
If your ex is seeing someone else, you need to focus on believing in your own worth for real.
This can be difficult, especially if your relationship was a source of your self-worth or codependent.
When you depend on somebody else to feel sufficient inside your own skin, you give away your power.
And when you do this and then it doesn’t work out and you see them with someone new?
You feel deflated, empty and weak.
You want somebody to come around and tell you that your ex isn’t really seeing someone new and that things will still work out.
But if you’re finally ready to accept the truth, that’s where you need to find the way forward in a way that won’t keep you in a codependent loop.
Like I talked about earlier, speaking to a love coach at Relationship Hero was a great help to me and made a big difference.
I began believing in my worth again despite the pain of seeing my ex being with someone new.
If you want to see some of these same benefits in your life, I encourage you to check them out as well.
Let them chase, but never be the chaser!
The most important thing you can do if your ex is seeing someone else, you can’t control that.
You can hope for your ex to come back…
You can still have feelings for them…
You can even still be in love with them…
But you cannot put your life on pause or sacrifice your mental or emotional well-being for the sake of someone who’s no longer in your life.
Not only are they no longer in your life, they’re with someone new.
Do not chase them. If they chase you, so be it! But you should never, ever be the one who’s trying to get their attention and affection focused back on you.
Jealousy eats you from the inside
When your ex is dating someone new, you may feel a lot of jealousy.
I did. I occasionally still do.
I’ve done my best to get over jealousy, because the only person it hurt was me.
When I’d sit and stew in the emotions of jealousy I’d feel weaker, worse and bitter. All my power would be deflated and poisoned.
The jealousy was like some virus spreading through my system and making me feel unable to move forward in my life.
Letting it go was a process. Like I said, it’s not completely gone because I’m still human and imperfect.
But by getting my own life in gear and focusing on my own goals, I was able to stop this cycle of looking up so much to others or believing they had a life or romantic love that was so much above mine.
It wasn’t. It isn’t.
Getting that firmly implanted in my head and heart has been such a crucial piece of coming back to a place where I can find new love and move on.
Get back your personal power
Moving on from your ex seeing somebody else is about getting back your personal power.
Realizing and reinforcing your own worth through becoming mentally and physically healthy is the key.
You can’t stop your ex from dating someone new, and even attempts to break them up is not going to result in any real return to a rewarding and reciprocal relationship.
When you come to a healthy relationship yourself, you can begin to move on to finding new love or at least being open to it.
It’s a long road, but seeing your ex with someone else has one big plus:
It’s a definite sign that it’s time to move on and start over.