15 signs your ex is confused about their feelings for you and what to do

We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Read our affiliate disclosure.

Have you been getting mixed signals from your ex?

Maybe you don’t really know where you stand. You’ve been wondering if they still have feelings for you and whether they are confused.

This article will tell you for sure, and what to do about it.

15 signs your ex is confused about their feelings for you

1) They blow hot and cold

They might contact you one day, but seem distant and pull back again the next.

Perhaps they message you quite a bit, but they don’t make plans to actually see you.

They are inconsistent in their actions and words and feel unavailable, yet they haven’t totally done a disappearing act.

Maybe it feels like they only pop up when it’s convenient for them.

Do they still care? Could they want you back? You feel like you are getting mixed messages that don’t feel particularly clear either way.

You can’t figure out whether or not they are interested in you anymore because they run hot and cold.

This is a classic sign that your ex is struggling with their feelings for you and is pretty confused. That is why they to and fro.

They can’t quite work out how they feel or what to do.

2) They hardly talk to you, but they are still stalking your social media

It could be something as simple as the fact they are still watching your stories every day.

They aren’t reaching out in person by messaging or calling you, but you can guarantee they are one of the first people to have seen your posts as soon as you put them up.

It could be that they are still interacting with your social media in other ways.

Perhaps liking old photos, forwarding you funny memes, or commenting on posts.

Yet it seems to exist within a bubble. They still connect to you on social media, but nowhere else.

It indicates that they are confused about how they feel. They still want to stay connected to you somehow.

But they don’t feel sure enough to extend that connection out past social media and into the real world.

3) They reach out when they’re drunk

Alcohol can become a truth serum.

It lowers inhibitions and lets the things we’ve been trying to keep hidden inside come spilling out.

That’s why if your ex has a habit of reaching out to you when they’ve had a few drinks, it suggests they are still holding on to feelings for you.

When they are sober, they manage to keep their confused state under wraps.

But once they get a little tipsy, they let their guard down and start showing what they’re feeling.

If this happens often, then it means they are clearly unsure about their feelings for you and how to handle it.

If you are the person they call or message when they’re on a night out, then it shows they are still thinking about you.

4) They tell you they miss you, but don’t say they want to get back together

I miss you when coming from an ex is powerful. But it can also be very frustrating to hear when it comes with some sort of “but”.

For example, your ex may tell you they miss you but they need some time. They may say they miss you but they don’t know if they want to get back together.

I miss you might not be the only words of affirmation you are hearing from your ex.

They might be saying sweet things, complimentary things even. Yet when it comes down to it they still haven’t said that they want to get back together.

It might even leave you wondering ‘is my ex confused or stringing me along?’

Hearing contradictory messages from your ex can be a sign of their confusion.

The truth is that we can miss someone, and still question whether we want them back.

We can still care for an ex but not be convinced that the relationship can be saved.

5) They’re acting like you’re best friends

Whether you can be truly friends with an ex is up for debate.

I’ll be honest, I think it’s hard. Certainly not for a long time. As whilst feelings remain (on either side) it will always cloud your friendship.

So if your ex wants to jump straight into a close friendship with you it’s very suspicious.

Rather than genuinely wanting to preserve a friendship, it sounds more like their confusion over their feelings for you makes it difficult for them to fully let go.

Remaining friends becomes a safety net for them to keep you in their life.

They want to hang out so they don’t have to feel the loss of the relationship.

This shows the bond is still close and they are struggling to properly deal with their mixed emotions after the breakup.

6) Your gut tells you they still have feelings for you

Intuition can be a powerful guide.

We often get gut feelings about things that turn out to be right.

Rather than some mystical force, what is often happening is that our subconscious brain is picking up on many subtle cues around us. There’s a science to intuition.

Your strong feeling that your ex is confused about how they feel could be coming from this.

The catch is that our own strong emotions and desires can cloud our intuition and get mixed up with wishful thinking.

That’s why it can be a good idea to speak to an impartial expert to really get to the bottom of what is going on with your ex.

Relationship Hero can instantly connect you with a relationship expert who will not only listen to your situation and give you their take on it.

What makes it so powerful is that they will help you come up with a practical plan of action to resolve things.

If you think you could benefit from some practical expert support, then click here to learn more.

Whatever it is that you want, they will use their expertise to guide you to a resolution.

That can involve helping you craft the perfect text message to your ex. Getting them to reveal their true feelings towards you and more.

Here’s that link again to get started.

7) They say the breakup was for the best, but they can’t seem to stay away

You may find yourself getting texts and calls from your ex, or they even say they’d love to meet to catch up.

All these things sound innocent enough. But there’s something about it that makes you feel like they want to get back together.

But even though you seem to be getting close again, they still say that the breakup was for the best.

So why aren’t they acting like it?

The chances are it’s because deep down they are still confused. They feel hesitant about jumping back in.

They don’t want to make a mistake and regret it later. But at the same time neither do they want to let you go and end up regretting that either.

So instead they keep you at arm’s length, but still in their lives, whilst they make up their mind.

Basically, they are keeping their options open.

8) They still want to hook-up

You might think that even if you’re no longer seeing each other, it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little bit of fun.

But sex with an ex is never just sex.

There are just too many other things going on below the surface to treat it like a one-night stand.

That’s why if you are still sleeping with an ex (or they have tried to) it suggests a level of affection that still exists.

It’s a way of saying “I’m still interested in you”.

It can be a sign that they are still unsure about whether they should move on or not.

9) They don’t want anyone else to have you

Show me a jealous ex, and I’m willing to bet it is an ex who is confused about how they feel.

Whenever it seems like you may have started to move on, they can’t help but try to pull you back. Yet they won’t commit to you.

They show signs of jealousy, they don’t like it when other men are on the scene, and it’s like they are attempting to block you from moving on.

It could be snide or snappy comments. They might try to actively put other guys off.

Making out like they want you to move on, but then having a problem with it if you actually try to shows that your ex is confused about their feelings for you.

10) They take trips down memory lane

This is probably the most obvious sign of all.

If you start to see them reminiscing about old times, it means they are clearly still thinking about you.

They are focusing on the best parts of your relationship. And they are looking back fondly on it.

Towards the end of a relationship, we have a tendency to focus more on the bad. But once the dust has settled, this can be when nostalgia kicks in.

So if your ex is bringing up the good old days, it shows that they may be regretting the breakup. And perhaps feeling unsure about how they feel for you.

11) They’ve jumped straight into a rebound

This sign that your ex is confused about their feelings for you is admittedly a bit of a perplexing one.

After all, how could moving on so quickly after you break up mean that they still care? Surely it’s the opposite?

But you might be surprised.

Rebounds are in essence about denial. It’s too painful to stand still and deal with the loss and grief they are feeling.

So as a way to hide from those conflicting and confusing emotions, instead, they seek out someone else to ease the pain.

The problem is that without dealing with how they really feel, rebounds tend to be doomed to failure.

12) They’re trying to cherry-pick parts of your relationship

They don’t want to be exclusive but they do want to feel like you’re still there for them.

And so, they try to pick and choose certain parts of the relationship that they want to try to keep hold of after your breakup.

For example, they might want to date other women and see what else is out there but still come to you for emotional support or advice.

They may want to discard elements, but not lose it all. So they will cling to some aspects of your relationship while ignoring others.

This is a clear indication that they are confused about what they want.

13) They still want to know everything about your life

They can’t seem to bear not knowing what you’re up to, who you’re seeing, where you’re going, and what you’re doing.

It’s natural to be curious about an ex after you break up. But there are limits.

If they are playing 20 questions with you, or often reach out just to find out “what’s up?” or “how are things?” it points to confused feelings.

Perhaps you even know for a fact that they’ve been asking other people about you, trying to check up on you, or digging for info.

If they still want to know everything that’s going on in your life, they are probably harbouring feelings.

14) They seem randomly annoyed for no real reason

In the words of spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle:

“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.”

So if your ex seems to be angry at nothing in particular, then there is likely something deeper going on.

Maybe they’re being cruel or mean. Perhaps they’re being overly critical.

It could be that they are holding onto unresolved issues from your past together. Or it might signal that they are struggling with their own feelings towards you.

Either way, it’s important to get to the bottom of why they are acting this way. Because it could signal that they are confused about their feelings for you.

15) They tell you they don’t know what to do

Some of your ex’s confusion could be more obvious. They might come straight out and tell you that they are feeling confused.

They might let you know that they still love you, but aren’t ready to make any decisions right now.

They may say that they have feelings for you, but need some space and time to work them out.

This can be such a difficult situation to be in when your ex is confused about what they want.

So next we’ll look at how to handle things.

What to do when your ex is confused about their feelings for you

Decide what you want

We’ve spent a lot of time up until now discussing what your ex’s potential feelings might be.

But what about yours?

How do you feel about it all? What do you want moving forward?

It’s important to spend some time really considering your needs and wants.

Don’t become so fixated on your ex and their emotions that you end up neglecting your own.

Don’t be tempted to rush this part either. Breakups are incredibly confusing. They can bring up all sorts of mixed emotions. Your ex could be confused, but maybe you are too.

Give yourself time to sit with your feelings, and know that you don’t have to make any decisions straight away about what you ultimately want.

Come up with a practical plan of action

When you feel like you know how you feel, and what you want, it’s time to come up with a practical plan of action.

Maybe you decide that regardless of how your ex feels, you would rather move on. Or maybe you want to give things another try.

In this case, your plan of action needs to center around getting your ex off the fence about how they feel. You want their confused feelings to turn into something more decisive.

You need to fully re-spark their interest in you so they stop blowing hot and cold.

To do this, I really recommend checking out the advice of relationship expert Brad Browning.

He’s helped hundreds of people to get back their ex, and shares some top tips on the biggest do’s and don’t.

In his free video, he will talk you through what to do in order to make your ex want you again.

How? He has tried and tested methods using clever psychology to help you get into your ex’s head.

The best thing to do is click the link to watch his free video.

Put a stop to your ex’s yo-yo behavior

If your ex is behaving in a way that is leaving you confused about how they feel, you need to put a stop to it.

The best way to do this is with boundaries.

Those boundaries may involve physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and even financial conditions over how you choose to interact with your ex moving forward.

You might decide that if they are not going to commit to you, then you don’t want to have them in your life right now.

If you have been left feeling uncomfortable by certain things they do— like getting involved with your love life, calling you drunk, or breadcrumbing you—now is the time to let them know how you feel about that.

Otherwise, they may continue to keep one foot in and one foot out of the relationship until the time when you put a stop to it.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers).

Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

What to do if your ex-girlfriend is in a rebound relationship: 10 steps to getting her back (for good!)

11 deja vu spiritual meanings of being on the right path