Pearl Nash
You always thought love would come easy, but here you are—alone and single.
At one point you must have asked “is something wrong with me?”
But trust me, it’s not because you’re “ugly” or “flawed.” There are just some things you’re not quite doing right.
So in this article, I will give you the No-BS signs that you’ll never find love (unless you make some changes).
1) You’re a creature of comfort
You value comfort—and that’s not a bad thing, we all need comfort in our lives—but the problem is that you value it too much.
You stick to the things you already know you like, such as your favorite hangouts and so you don’t try checking out things you aren’t familiar with because… why would you?
You already know what you like. Trying new things could just lead to disappointment or inconvenience.
But here’s the thing: For love to make its way into your life, you must be open to change—to new, potentially uncomfortable things.
What to do:
This may sound cliche, but you should just simply try to do something new, even if it scares you or is slightly inconvenient.
You can start with small things like simply shopping at a different grocery store, then finding new places to hang out in.
Love might just be around the corner—but it’s probably at the corner that you don’t usually walk to.
2) You’re still not over someone
It’s hard to have your heart stuck on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Your soulmate might be right in front of you, offering you their love without reservation, but you won’t be able to recognize it because you’re still in love with “the one who got away.”
You will always keep on comparing them and others to that someone from your past, be they an ex or a crush.
You might think that, sure, they’re good… but they’re not the one your heart pines for. And this is just unfortunate.
What to do:
You must move on. And the first step is knowing and accepting that you’re still obsessed with someone from your past.
After that, you can try to slowly cut them out of your mind, such as by interrupting your thoughts when you find yourself comparing people to them.
If you need help getting over someone from your past, we have plenty of articles about getting over your ex and I recommend you try checking them out.
3) You have traumas that you haven’t processed
We all bear our wounds, and sometimes those wounds keep us from finding love.
Perhaps you were assaulted by the opposite sex before, or your parents had an ugly relationship, or you had an abusive ex.
Finding love might not be impossible, but these traumas will hinder you by making you especially defensive or unwilling to trust.
Sometimes those traumas will make you so prejudiced against the opposite sex that they’ll stay away from you. No sane man would date a girl who always says “all men are cheaters!” and no woman would date a man who likes to say “all women are controlling!”
This will leave you jumping from relationship to relationship, never finding love in the shallow people you hook up with… because you don’t see or have simply driven away those who would have.
What to do:
The way we see and approach love is deeply rooted in our experiences, as well as the experiences of those around us.
You might not think that you have issues with trauma, or that it’s not a big deal… but it would still help you a lot to consult with a therapist. A couple of sessions will help you (and your love life) tremendously.
4) You’re too idealistic when it comes to love
You’ve always imagined for yourself a nice, romantic relationship like in the movies— 100% secure, happy, and magical. Perhaps even sparked by love at first sight!
Anything less than that makes you go “nah, this is not it.”
And it’s not bad to want to have the best love you can get, and it’s definitely better to stay single than to date someone abusive.
But when you have idealistic expectations like these, I guarantee you—you’ll never find love.
We all know humans are very, very flawed and no relationship will ever be perfect. But if you’re too idealistic, you start to forget that!
Magic and deep passion are very possible to have. But it’s built up over a long time.
What to do:
Think critically about your expectations for love and intimacy.
Too many of us self-sabotage our relationships for years on end, obsessing over the ideals of love that we’ve been conditioned to believe since childhood.
And this keeps us from finding or acknowledging the people who are more than capable of giving us their own unique way of love.
This is something I learned from renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. I like Rudá. He’s a shaman like no other—sensible and very much rooted in reality.
If you want to see love and intimacy differently, check out his mind-blowing free video.
He explains exactly how those expectations can lead to us to overlook love and even destroy relationships by trying to “fix” our partners.
5) You have impossible standards
Something that often comes with being too idealistic with love is having unrealistic expectations of your partner.
Having a set of non-negotiables and being aware of red flags is a good thing, but sometimes you can easily go too far and write off people for otherwise innocuous things.
You stick to your checklist and absolutely refuse to date people who don’t pass your criteria… even if they’re otherwise awesome to be with.
And, well, this can cut you off from a surprisingly large number of people—most people, actually.
What to do:
Sometimes you’ll just have to settle with “good enough” instead of looking for the absolute perfect guy or girl.
Having good standards is a different thing from having unrealistic standards, so evaluate your list of non-negotiables and your red flags.
Ideally, if someone is a good person, not abusive, and makes you feel at ease with being yourself… they’re good enough.
6) You’re actually too lazy to date
I know so many people who complain about not finding love, and when I ask them what they’re doing to solve it, they all mumble and say…”well, nothing much, really coz I’m busy.”
It’s as if being sad about it IS the effort that they put into finding a relationship.
But then there are people who pursue love like their life depends on it.
I have a friend who decided she will find love and took dating very seriously. She used apps, told her friends she’s looking for love, and went out on dates one after another.
Fast forward to a year later (and after a dozen bad dates), she found the one. They’re married now.
What to do:
This might seem brutal but, here you go: do the work.
Love is just out there but it won’t knock on your door, no matter how badly you want it.
Pursue it like you pursue any goal, and your chances of finding love will grow by 100000 percent.
7) You’re drawn to unavailable people
You don’t know why, but it seems like you’re attracted to the unavailable ones—the married, those in a relationship, those who clearly don’t want to be in a relationship!
And they’re drawn to you, too, for one reason or another.
It’s probably because you like the chase so much or that you find the available ones too boring. There are many reasons why you have this tendency to go for unavailable people—most are unhealthy.
And of course, this will keep you from finding a good relationship. Sure you will find “love” from them, but it’s something that’s non-lasting.
What to do:
When you know someone’s unavailable, stay away.
I know it’s not easy especially if they check many boxes in what you’re looking for in a partner, but you’re just wasting your time.
Just stay away. Use your head and not your heart the next time you find yourself in this situation.
8) You have issues with commitment and intimacy
Flings and one-night stands are easy. Anyone can do it.
But love—one that is nurturing and could possibly turn into a serious relationship—is another matter entirely.
Intimacy, openness, and a degree of commitment towards the other person is needed, among other things. After all, how can you say you’re in love if you barely know one another?
And the thing with intimacy issues is that things like these are simply challenging to you.
Relationships will tend to plateau after a while, or degenerate and become toxic.
What to do:
Intimacy issues are not easy to fix, especially as there could be so many different things responsible for them.
You need to not just figure out the cause, but also patch yourself up slowly. This is again one of the things that are best solved with therapy.
But if therapy isn’t an option for you right now, I’d love to share something I often turn to myself.
This meditation could be a great starting point in the healing journey
It’s a free Self-Healing Meditation. The thing I like the most about this short guided session is that it promotes self-reflection. Personally, it has helped me process some of my own issues around commitment and intimacy.
That’s why I think it might be a great starting point in your healing journey.
Click here to access the free meditation.
9) You’re defensive about being single
You hate people who pay too much attention to your singleness.
Their offers to set you up on a date start to feel like personal attacks…like they’re pitying you or mocking your misfortune.
And so, you’ve developed a tough persona. You want to show everyone that you’re actually fine being single.
But deep inside, that’s not true.
While this self-preservation can stop you from being hurt, it can do you no good long-term if deep in your heart, you really want to find love.
What to do:
Stop feeling offended.
Be graceful about being single instead. Don’t pretend you don’t care just because you’re too proud of what others think. This kind of thinking will push away a lot of opportunities, and we don’t want that.
Some people find love early but then divorce. Some people never had a relationship but fell in love when they’re 50. Try not to take things too personally. Love is just one thing in your rich and colorful life.
10) You’re too jaded
You’ve been through so many failed relationships that when you see other people being happy and in love, you roll your eyes and say “they’ll break up one day.”
But, well… if you have such pervasive negative ideas about love, then you’ll only end up repelling it instead of attracting it.
Sure, you might think “oh, I can love if they prove themselves worthy!”
But why would love come to someone who’s so clearly hostile to it when there are many who are much more open to it?
What to do:
The obvious solution is to simply stop being jaded—but at the same time, it’s important to understand why you were jaded in the first place.
Were you hurt and betrayed? Did friends teach you to despise affection?
Being jaded is an overreaction, and it takes effort to take a second look at it and change your reactions accordingly.
11) You’re stuck in outdated norms
Traditionally, the expectation has been for women to sit around waiting for a guy to court her. And of course, the guy is expected to be strong and “lead” the relationship.
But these old dating dynamics are on their way out, and if you’re stuck with them, you will, unfortunately, be left behind.
If you’re a woman, perhaps you’ve been too idle, waiting for a guy to walk up to you and declare his love. If you’re a man, perhaps you have been chasing the girls away by trying to “lead” too much.
What to do:
It would help to know more people who would help you get in touch with the contemporary dating climate.
Talking to friends of yours who have been successful at getting into happy relationships would help, for one.
It isn’t easy to unlearn the ways you’ve been stuck in all this time, but it can be done as long as you are willing to have an open mind.
12) You’re actually stuck in the closet
A very possible reason why you haven’t found “the one” for you no matter how many people you date is… maybe your sexuality isn’t what you think it is.
It can be terrifying to think “wait, maybe I’m not straight?” especially if you have been told that being gay is “wrong”, and are surrounded by people who think so.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay, of course. And if you are, you will never find a satisfying relationship with someone of the same sex.
There will always be a bit of dullness or a feeling of it being forced. And if this describes your relationships, maybe you should start exploring your sexuality.
What to do:
Try to think if you’ve ever had urges towards someone of the same sex. If you aren’t straight, they will be there… even if repressed or ignored.
And then, well, explore. The only way to deal with being stuck in the closet is to get out of it.
This is often easier said than done… But hey, the internet exists, and it’s a good place to explore your sexuality if you can’t afford to do it in person yet.
13) You don’t actually give too much importance to it
You might think you’re desperate for love but hey, love isn’t in the top three of your priorities. Heck, it’s not even in your top 5!
Love, for you, is just icing on your cake.
You’re too busy pursuing other things—your career, your hobbies, your life’s purpose—that even if you whine about not having a partner, deep in your heart you know you really don’t NEED one…at least not so much.
This is cool because that means you’ll be productive, but if you’re starting to read articles such as this, then that means it’s starting to affect you. So you have to get more proactive in the love department, too.
What to do:
You have to let go of the idea that love takes up all of your time.
You can be in love with someone and still pursue a career and do all the things you want to do, you just have to find time to look for the right person.
Last words
You might start to pity yourself that you still haven’t found the one. But you have to bear in mind that finding a life partner is 50% luck and 50% effort.
If you feel “unlucky”, well then, put in the effort. The thing is, your luck increases as you get more proactive.
But here’s something you must not forget: Don’t beat yourself up. Please don’t. You still have to enjoy the journey even if you’re 30 or 40 or 80.
Love will eventually find you—trust me—you just have to keep trying, and never ever lose hope.
