You broke up and you’re hurting.
But cheer up, it’s probably for the best because….well, you were never really in love with them in the first place.
Here are 20 signs you were never in love with your ex:
1) You actually don’t miss them
Even the most friendly breakups are sure to get us a little emotional. And how could we not? Even if the breakup was ultimately a demotion from “lovers” to “friends”, we will still have lost something.
But there’s a difference between missing the relationship and missing the person that you were with.
So try to think about how you truly feel about your breakup and be honest with yourself.
Do you miss the feeling of having someone with you—the sense of familiarity and the fun times you had—or do truly you miss your ex?
If you come to the conclusion that maybe—just maybe—it wasn’t really the person you are missing, then you can take that as a sign that you were never in love.
2) You met them when you’re lonely
Now, it’s not like it’s impossible to legitimately fall in love with someone just because you met them when you were lonely so don’t take this as a 100% sure-tell.
But it is a fact that people are likely to make rash decisions when they’re desperate.
Call it scraping the bottom of the barrel—when it feels like you simply don’t have a choice and desperately need someone by your side. When this happens, you can end up latching on to (and even obsessing over!) the first person in sight.
Their presence will end up filling that void and it’s very easy to mistake the satisfaction and comfort you get from that for love.
But if you aren’t genuinely in love with them, you’ll find that your affection for them will slowly fade as you become less lonely or desperate.
3) You’re not proud of who they are
My mother said that she knew she’s in love with my father when she’s proud to walk down the streets with him and she couldn’t stop talking about him to her friends…even when the honeymoon phase was over.
If you wanted to change the topic when your friends asked about your partner, or you let go of their hand when you’re in a public space, sure…there’s still a chance you’re just a shy person.
But if you’re embarrassed of who they are and you always wished they could be better, then you’re probably never in love.
You see, when one is in love, they’d be proud of their partner even if they’re imperfect because they’re their person!
4) It was just supposed to be temporary
Maybe they’re just supposed to be your rebound relationship. Or maybe it was just supposed to be a fling…or a relationship you got into while waiting for “the one”.
But then, of course, you developed feelings for them later on…so things started to become quite confusing.
As time passed, you got used to them and you started to believe you truly love them.
But of course, it’s possible that you just got together with them for convenience and if you really took the time to get to know each other at a certain distance —and with more time—you would see that they’re really not it.
5) You didn’t truly feel “alive” with them
So yeah, from the outside looking in, it looked like the two of you got along well. You did cute stuff together and did a lot of the usual couple stuff.
And yet everything felt a bit empty and forced. You might have even felt like you were not being your genuine self around them, and that you were just putting on an act.
Perhaps you might have even felt that towards the end of your relationship your very identity was being eroded away, and wondered if your ex was trying to mold you to your liking.
If you think you’re struggling with this, maybe it’s time to consult a highly trained relationship coach at Relationship Hero so you can break your own cycle.
They’ve guided me on how not to neglect myself while I’m in a relationship…and not only did it help me, it improved my relationship, too!
And here’s the thing, there’s a possibility that you’re actually IN LOVE with your ex but you’re just unhappy with yourself.
If you think it’s likely the reason you broke up, you might want to give your relationship a second shot with the help of a relationship coach.
6) You were not invested in the relationship enough
Sure, you enjoyed being together and being around one another but you seriously didn’t care THAT much for the relationship, if you’re to be honest.
Like yeah, you enjoyed the romance and the sex was great, but you weren’t really willing to get too deep into it.
You weren’t willing to meet and make a good impression on their friends and family, to make personal sacrifices for their sake, to spend for them… or even make genuine plans for the future of your relationship.
Sure you tried, but you’re just not excited enough or determined…and that’s probably because deep down, you don’t feel they’re the one.
7) They’re just like your other exes
And by that I mean that when you try to look back on your time with them, you really can’t think of anything that made them extra special.
You don’t have any especially strong feelings about them, and if you were given the chance to get back with any of your previous exes, you wouldn’t even consider them your first choice…or your second.
And if someone were to ask you about what you felt about them you’ll find yourself thinking something like “meh, they’re alright.”
You’re absolutely certain that, even though things were good (even great) between the two of you, they were most certainly not “the one that got away.”
8) You can’t remember important details about them
Can you truly say that you loved them if you can’t remember things about them?
If you try to recall who they are—what they want in life, their childhood, what makes them different—your mind goes blank.
Or, if you’re born with a good memory, then sure you’re able to remember some of them… a bit. Some vague memories and thoughts perhaps, but nothing solid or vivid.
It’s almost like your partner wasn’t worthy of being committed to your memory.
9) You just liked the idea of being in a relationship
As mentioned earlier, it’s possible that you got into a relationship for the wrong reasons.
Maybe you just wanted to be simply because you’re just curious what it’s like to be in one…or you’re pressured because everyone around you has a significant other already, or you just want someone to spend weekends with.
If you didn’t get together with them because you think they’re the most awesome person in the world, then the chance is high that you really weren’t in love with them.
10) You get turned off by them
You can’t help but cringe sometimes when you think about your relationship with them.
In fact you might even find yourself wondering “what was I thinking?”
Even if you admit that it’s a little petty, you can’t help but be a little upset or nit-picky about small things like the way they smelled, the way they talked to other people, and so on.
You might even beat yourself up over it, thinking that you’re a horrible person for thinking this way about your partner. But cut yourself some slack. It’s probably chemistry (or the lack thereof) that’s to blame.
You see, when we’re truly in love with someone, we don’t see what other people see. This is the reason why many people always find their partners beautiful or handsome even if everyone around them disagrees. You probably just don’t have it.
11) You’re just using them
Or you’re both using each other.
I know it sounds awful but a lot of people latch on to others just to get by or just to get ahead in life. And while this seems selfish, this is something very human.
Maybe you aimed to get on top of the career ladder so you dated your boss or colleague. Bad move, of course, but sometimes we start to “love” the things we need.
Or maybe you stay with a partner who’s good at home so you can focus on your career. And once you’ve reached your goal, you realize you really don’t love them at all…that you simply needed them. Of course, it only became clear when you didn’t need them anymore.
12) You were always ready to walk away
Even early on in the relationship, you were always ready to walk away at any time.
You had one foot at the door at all times, holding it open in case things don’t work out even as you hold out hope that it will.
You do love them, after a fashion, but perhaps more as a friend or acquaintance than a lover. Perhaps you were wondering if you could eventually fall in love with them if you tried… but you just couldn’t force it.
And while it certainly feels a little jaded and grim, you already admitted to yourself back that losing that relationship isn’t that big of a deal.
13) You were not “all out” in your relationship
You didn’t do grand gestures like giving them love letters or throwing them a surprise party. You didn’t dive too deep to the point that you both feel you’re about to burst with your love.
In other words, you were sane. You didn’t do crazy things for love. You were just…well, normal. Unchanged. Cool and logical.
And that’s probably because (you got it!), you were really not in love with them.
Your subconscious might have been asking you “Why would you go all out on a relationship that, as far as you see, it’s going nowhere anyways?”
14) You pitied them instead of empathizing with them
When you broke up, or even while you were still together, you didn’t really feel too attached to them. Because of this, you don’t really FEEL with them.
When your ex cried when they didn’t pass an exam, you didn’t feel their burden like it’s yours…you actually just felt sorry for them.
And when they’re high with happiness because they finally landed the job they wanted, you’re quite happy for them, alright…but you’re quite detached from their happiness.
It’s possible that you’re just a narcissist but you were not like this with other people or with your exes. So it’s probably because you’re not really that in love with them.
15) You fell in love with someone else while you’re still together
While it’s totally normal to be attracted to someone while you’re in a relationship, falling in love with someone else could be a sign that you’re not really into your partner.
And what’s worse was that you actually imagined leaving your partner for them.
You always wondered if the “grass is greener” with someone else…and you’re not even guilty about entertaining these thoughts.
Once you hit this point, you’re likely feeling like your relationship is all but dead already.
16) You can’t imagine a future with them
You like them. You actually enjoy spending time with them and overall, you think they’re awesome.
But no matter how hard you try, you just can’t imagine marrying them or having a future with them in any way you can think of.
It’s quite possible that in the end, the two of you are better off being friends rather than partners, and sometimes things simply are this way.
17) It didn’t feel right saying “I love you”
It’s only natural that when you’re in a relationship with someone, you’d tell them that you love them, right?
Well, the problem was that when you were together, it simply didn’t feel right telling them that you love them.
You say the words, but your heart doesn’t feel it. It’s an empty phrase that you just say to not make them suspect something’s wrong.
The probable reason why it doesn’t feel right is that you simply weren’t in love with them. So you know deep inside that you’re lying when you say “I love you.”
It’s not like you hate them, it’s just that you probably don’t have any romantic feelings towards them at all.
18) You get sad when you look at happy couples
Even if you felt generally happy with them, you felt crushed when you see happy couples around you.
When young lovers kiss on the street or talk like they never run out of things to say, you stop and wonder “Why are we not like that?”
It’s possible that you’re just a naturally unhappy person because you always compare your level of happiness with others.
But the thing is…you didn’t feel this way when you were with other partners in the past. It only happened with your last partner.
Maybe—just maybe—something was wrong with that relationship on a fundamental level.
19) You felt like you just wasted your time
So the thing with relationships is that they should never feel like they’re a waste of time.
If you truly love someone, then you would come out of that relationship grateful for the time you had together. Even if things came to an end, the journey was fulfilling enough that you simply can’t call it a waste.
Perhaps you might feel bad because you “wasted” your chance, but won’t regret the relationship itself.
On the other hand, if you never really were in love with them in the first place, then yeah you will surely feel like you’ve wasted your time.
You had a feeling deep inside that it was never going to amount to anything, and despite that spend too much effort trying to maintain it.
20) You just kinda knew
As cliche as this may sound…you just knew. It’s the same kind of feeling when you “just knew” that you’ve found the one.
Deep in your heart, it just doesn’t feel right. You can’t pinpoint exactly why. It’s as if it’s your subconscious telling you that something’s just off.
It’s probably because the two of you look like you’d go well on paper—and in fact, many people tell you that you’re really a good match—but your heart knows that no matter how good it looks on the surface, you’re really not in love with them.
If you think about it, the signs that will tell you that you were never in love are often obvious. Or at least, you’d think they’re obvious, reading about them off the neat list I gave here.
But when you’re hot off a break-up, it can sometimes be hard to slow down and reflect. Finding the mental space to actually calm down and think rationally is hard, but well worth it.
At the very least it can help you come to terms with your break-up and help you move on faster.