Kiran Athar
If you’re in a relationship but unsure if you should marry him or not, this article will help you decide. I’ve been in your position before, and thankfully I didn’t go ahead with it.
Although I loved him, I can see now that our marriage would have been a failure. These 16 signs you shouldn’t marry him will help you determine whether you should trust your gut or tie the knot!
1) You’re not as compatible as when you first started dating
I know love is important, but when it comes to marriage, it’s actually compatibility that will keep you together in the long run.
At the start of a relationship, you probably felt like you and your man had tons of stuff in common.
But as your relationship has evolved, you’ve started to notice that you’re not as alike as you once thought. This is normal – in the beginning, we’re looking for a connection, so we naturally focus on our similarities.
As we get comfortable around the other person, we start to reveal our differences.
And if the differences between you and your partner keep piling up, you should avoid getting married. Opposites do attract, but they don’t always lead to happy marriages!
2) He’s not emotionally mature yet
Another major sign you shouldn’t marry him is if he’s emotionally immature. Marriage is all about building a life together, so expect plenty of ups and downs.
During this rollercoaster, you’ll want someone who can manage their emotions. Not someone who’s unable to get themselves together, or falls apart at the first hurdle.
Not to mention – communication is one of the foundations of marriage.
If your partner can’t even partake in a sensitive conversation without getting angry or defensive, it’s probably best to leave marriage out of the equation for now.
3) Arguments are the norm in your relationship
Do you find you can’t go a day or a week without arguing with your partner?
Do little things often turn into massive blowouts?
If so, it’s a pretty good indicator that you shouldn’t get married just yet.
Arguing every now and then is pretty normal between couples, but they should be dealt with healthily and certainly shouldn’t occur on a daily basis.
If they do, it signals a bigger problem in your relationship.
And sorry to burst your bubble, but marriage will not make things better (if that’s what you were thinking).
Only therapy and lots of internal work from both sides will improve your relationship. Marriage, on the contrary, could make your issues even worse!
And while this article explores the main signs you shouldn’t marry him, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, ideal if you’re concerned about getting married. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
4) You’re getting married because you feel you have to
If you feel like you have to get married, because your partner wants to, or your family keeps banging on about it, I know how you feel.
As I mentioned at the start, I was close to marrying a guy once. In my gut and my heart, I knew it wasn’t right, but everyone around me was in support of it.
The bottom line is:
You’ve got to do what’s right for you.
Even if he says he’ll leave you, so be it. It shows he isn’t the right guy for you in the first place!
Marriage is a big decision, and you should only enter into it when you feel comfortable and happy doing so.
And a final note on this – a good guy who respects and loves you will not pressure you into doing anything you’re not ready for! He’ll wait until you’re both ready, so you can start this chapter of your life the right way.
5) You’ve not known each other long enough
There’s no exact timeline on when to get married. Some couples meet and are married within six months, others date for a couple of years before settling down.
I will say this though – anything less than a year probably isn’t enough time to know your partner inside out.
Even if you hang out every single day, certain traits and habits show up with time. You need to see how your partner reacts:
- When they’re stressed out
- When they’re going through something hurtful
- When they’re angry
- When they’re faced with big life decisions
Only then will you see the real them (and how they deal with issues in their life). Plus, the first year is more or less considered the honeymoon phase – everything is rosy and wonderful.
It’s later down the line that you’ll see whether this is really the best person for you or not.
6) He doesn’t bring out the best in you
If your man doesn’t encourage you to be the best you can be, you’re not with the right person.
If he:
- Puts you down
- Discourages you from taking opportunities
- Belittles your opinions and decisions
- Weakens your self-confidence
- Doesn’t inspire you to chase your dreams
Then he’s not worth marrying!
Sorry ladies, no matter how charming or how good-looking he is, if you don’t feel encouraged and supported by him, it’s best to move on.
Think of it this way:
Your future spouse will be the person by your side at every stage of your life. If they’re not your biggest cheerleader, you’re going to struggle! You may even lose yourself in the marriage, and this is the perfect recipe for unhappiness.
7) You don’t agree on big life decisions
What’s his stance on having kids?
Where does he want to live in the future?
Do you both prioritize the same values in life?
If you’ve not had these serious conversations, it’s about time you did. In fact, if you enter into a marriage without asking these questions, you’re going in blind.
Here’s an example:
My ex wanted a traditional wife who would stay at home and look after the kids and the house. I didn’t want that at all, considering I’ve always worked and love my independence.
This was a major red flag, but I’m glad we talked about it beforehand. Simply from this, I could see a marriage with him wouldn’t work out.
Now, that’s not to say you have to agree on everything completely. But both of you should be willing to compromise and understand the other person’s point of view.
8) He’s controlling or abusive
If your partner is already displaying controlling and abusive characteristics, they will not change after marriage.
I repeat: They will not change after marriage.
In fact, as I mentioned earlier, your partner’s issues may increase after marriage. If they’re controlling now, they may feel that when you’re their wife they get the final say over you.
Please don’t stay with an abuser, no matter how much you think there’s good in them deep down or that they can change.
Love them from afar, encourage them to seek help, but don’t allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship. Not only will it shatter your emotional stability, but most abusive behaviors tend to end in physical abuse (even if it takes years to happen).
This will make it much harder to leave.
So, before you think about tying the knot, consider whether this is someone you should even have in your life, let alone as a husband.
9) You want the wedding more than the man
Ahh, I’ve been guilty of this.
When my ex started bringing up the idea of marriage, I have to admit, I liked the sound of having a wedding, getting dressed up, and partying away with friends and family.
Not to mention cake.
And the honeymoon.
But luckily, reality hit me smack bang in the middle of my face.
The wedding is just one day…
The marriage is for a lifetime!
My advice to you is:
If you’re more focussed on the wedding than the person you’re marrying, don’t do it.
Your thoughts should be on the type of marriage you want and whether he’s compatible with this. Put thoughts of pretty white dresses on hold, and consider what the reality of your married life will look like.
I know it might feel disappointing, but you’ll be more disappointed if you spend all this money on a big celebration and then have to pay out for a divorce a year later!
10) He has addiction issues
If your partner has addiction issues, it’s super important that they deal with them BEFORE getting married.
The sad truth is…
Addiction can ruin the lives of people around the person affected, you included. As their wife, you’ll have to pick up the pieces, and you may even end up becoming an enabler of their addiction.
Finally, don’t try to cure your partner.
Weddings and marriage, in general, can be stressful, which could increase your partner’s addiction. They need the help of a professional – this is the best course of action.
It’s not your job to “fix them” but rather just to support them. Just make sure to do this before marriage as opposed to after!
11) He doesn’t get along with any of your loved ones
This is a major red flag that you should not marry him.
If no one you love and care about likes him, it’s time to ask yourself:
Why?
If several people you trust aren’t keen on him, is there something you’re oblivious to? It might be time to take off the love goggles and see what everyone else does (especially if they have your best interests at heart).
And on the flip side:
If he doesn’t like any of your friends or family, why not? Is it because he wants to control and isolate you?
Is it because he’s a judgemental character? Or do they simply have differing personalities?
The truth is, not all family and friends will get along with your partner. But there should still be basic respect from both sides.
If not, it’s probably best not to enter into a marriage with him.
You’ll want the support of family and friends, and having a partner who’s at war with them won’t make your life any easier!
12) He’s not a good team player
Marriage is all about teamwork.
It’s not just about splitting everything 50/50. Some days you’ll do 80% and other days he’ll pick up the slack.
It’s about compromise and supporting each other, even through difficult times.
But if he’s not a team player, isn’t willing to do things for the greater good of the relationship, or refuses to take responsibility for himself, you’re in for a tough marriage.
And I don’t say that lightly!
This ties in with what I mentioned earlier on:
- He should be emotionally mature
- You should have these conversations before marriage
- You should be together long enough to see whether he’s truly a team player in the long run (not doing it just to impress you at the start)
Marriage is hard enough on its own, but just imagine if you bring kids into the picture. If he never helps out or supports you, you’re quickly going to regret taking this leap and tying the knot.
Think wisely before you make your decision!
13) You have trust issues in your relationship
I didn’t trust my ex.
He never cheated on me (that I know of) but something about him made me suspicious.
Now that I’m married to a great guy, I can see how important trust is. Without it, your marriage will be very weak and painful.
I trust my partner enough to share my concerns with him. I trust him when he goes on a night out with his friends. I trust that he’s financially capable and emotionally stable enough to build a life with.
Can you imagine spending your life with someone you don’t fully trust?
It would be torture.
So, if the issues are small enough to work through, get some professional counseling and see if you can resolve them before getting married.
And if not?
You’ve got to think long and hard about whether this is the right person for you! After all, trust is one of the biggest foundations of any relationship, let alone marriage.
14) You can’t be yourself around him
If you don’t feel like you can reveal all those wonderful, quirky parts of your personality in front of your partner, it’s a pretty telling sign you should not marry him.
Let’s face it, after a few years of marriage, it’s going to be hard to keep up an act.
The real you will come out, and he may not like it.
On the other hand:
If he doesn’t let you be yourself because he’s trying to change you, this is another indication that you shouldn’t marry him.
Your future husband should love and accept you as you are.
Sure, they should encourage you to be the best you can be, but that shouldn’t take away from who you are as a person.
Case in point:
My ex used to think I was ridiculous for being the dreamer that I am. He used to scoff at me when I’d get excited about something trivial, or sing along to my favorite musicals.
I ended up quieting myself around him, which felt horrible.
My current partner loves those aspects of me. He’s not like me, but he never stifles my spirit. This is what you deserve too.
15) He doesn’t respect you
As well as all the other important things such as:
- Love
- Compatibility
- Trust
Respect is also right up there. As a married couple, you’ll be tried and tested a lot. I mean A LOT. Times will get tough, and you’ll inevitably fight with each other.
But throughout it all, you should remain respectful to each other.
That means no belittling, embarrassing in front of others, or dismissing opinions.
If your partner doesn’t have respect for you now, what will they be like after marriage?
And importantly, if you feel disrespected by your husband, how will this mentally and emotionally affect you?
My guess is you’ll be extremely unhappy.
16) You’re full of doubt and fear about getting married
Look, you can read all the articles you want about whether to marry him or not, but ultimately you’ve got to go with your gut feeling.
If you’re full of doubt and fear, look deeper.
Why do you feel this way? What is it about him that’s holding you back?
Spend a little bit of time apart from your partner so you can truly reflect on what’s going on.
I know this is easier said than done, but you’ll be glad you did it now rather than after paying for a big wedding and saying your vows.
The truth is, not everyone knows straight away that they’ve found “the one”. Love isn’t what we see in the movies.
But if your partner has ticked a few of these signs, it could be a good starting place to understand why you have so many doubts (and rightly so).
And remember:
Nerves or cold feet are pretty normal when thinking about something as big as marriage.
But fear and a deep sinking feeling of dread are not.
In fact, they point to bigger issues in your relationship, or simply the fact that he’s not the right one for you, and deep down your heart knows it!
10 signs you should marry him
I hope that you’ve got a better idea now of whether you should go ahead and tie the knot or run for the hills.
But I couldn’t just leave it there on such a negative point. So, I’ve put together a short list of signs you absolutely should take the leap and start a new chapter with him!
And if you don’t see your partner in any of these signs, there’s a good chance you’re not with the right person. Use the points below for guidance when you’re ready to find “the one”!
- He’s your best friend and you both have the ultimate love and respect for each other
- He’s supportive and there for you whenever you need him, not just when it’s convenient
- He makes an effort with your family and friends
- He’s emotionally mature and ready to settle down, potentially buy a house and have a family
- He’s focused on the big picture so he doesn’t let petty arguments get out of hand
- He allows you to be your own person and encourages you to aim high
- Your life goals and plans align and you know he’ll work with you to achieve them
- He makes you feel safe and secure. You feel like you’re “home” whenever you’re with him
- He’s actively trying to better himself as a person and as a partner (after all, no one is perfect but self-awareness and development are key)
- You trust him above anyone else, and you feel secure in your relationship.
If you resonated with these last 10 points, good for you! You’ve found someone who you can start a beautiful life with.
But if you relate more to the 16 signs above, think carefully about what to do next.
You might just need to iron out a few issues with your partner before getting married.
Or, you may need to consider whether this person is good for you as a partner, let alone as a husband!
Whatever you decide to do, don’t rush it. Your life is worth more than a hasty decision, and a bad marriage can quickly turn it upside down.
Good luck!
