7 signs you have powerful romantic chemistry with someone, according to psychology

Love is a complicated business, to say the least.

Not only can it be pretty darn difficult to find someone who is on the same wavelength when it comes to intellectual and spiritual matters; they should also have the same approach to relationships and work toward goals that are in symbiosis with yours.

To top it all off, most people who seek a romantic connection want a high level of sexual attraction, too.

It’s safe to say our requirements are quite high.

Sexual attraction is a cheeky little bugger, though. Oftentimes, it can delude you into thinking you’re dating the perfect match just to realize months or years later that you were in love with an idea of a person rather than their true self.

So, how can you tell you have powerful romantic chemistry with someone – this time for real?

Here are the 7 signs.

1) You’re emotionally open with each other

A sexual encounter doesn’t warrant emotional intimacy. Similarly, a relationship – however long – can only go so far if both partners aren’t willing to be fully open up and vulnerable with each other.

And that’s because a deep emotional connection is what ultimately makes you feel seen, something that all healthy romantic relationships are built upon.

Look, I’m not the only one who stands by this.

Couples counsellor Kari Rusnak, MA, LPC, CMHC says, “Being vulnerable creates emotional intimacy and connection. Opening yourself to your partner shows and builds trust and helps them understand you on a deeper level.”

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Do you and your partner have deep talks where you truly dig into your past experiences and inner worlds?
• Do you usually feel recharged and validated after conversations with your partner?
• Do you think that if sexual chemistry weren’t a factor, you’d still be close friends?
• Do you feel like you know your partner very well and they know you?

Your answers can tell you a great deal about whether you have a genuine romantic connection or whether sexual chemistry is impairing your ability to see the situation for what it is.

2) You’re on the same intellectual wavelength

This one is giving “intellectual snobbery” vibes, but don’t worry – that’s not what I mean.

In fact, I’m a firm believer that having a college degree or attending a certain type of university does not necessarily say anything about your intelligence overall.

The same applies the other way around – if you dropped out of college or didn’t pursue higher education in the first place, it doesn’t speak of your ability to think critically, reason, and appreciate art.

Many people are self-learners, after all, and many still aren’t fans of how the academic system works.

What I mean to say is that your partner ought to challenge you on an intellectual level.

They don’t necessarily have to be experts in the same areas, but your conversations should be stimulating; you shouldn’t have to be the one who constantly explains everything or the one who always feels behind.

Why?

Because a strong romantic connection is based on respect. And if you’re on the same intellectual wavelength, you are much more likely to hold each other in high regard simply because you feel that you’re on the same playing field.

3) You share a sense of humor

Based on research, people who laugh a lot together like each other more.

I know. Shocker, right?

While pretty obvious, it’s still nice to have some scientific evidence to back this up: couples who share a sense of humor are more likely to like each other, which means they can foster a strong friendship bond and strengthen their romantic connection.

I know this to be true from personal experience. One of my ex-partners and I had a completely different sense of humor, and it showed – in the three years we were together, I spent more time laughing with my friends than with him.

Three years in, he showed me a hilarious video that made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Incredulously, he said, “I’ve never seen you laugh this much.”

This gave us a much-needed pause. A few months later, we broke up because we weren’t a good match. While our sense of humor was but one of the many reasons why, it still played a large role.

4) You constantly want to spend time together

You know those first few months of a new relationship when all you want to do is be around each other?

Well, if you have powerful romantic chemistry with someone, this desire doesn’t go away. It lessens in intensity, sure, but there is still a strong craving to actively be around your partner and connect with them through experience and conversation.

Unfortunately, this is where plenty of couples hit a wall. The longer they spend together, the less time they devote to active one-on-one connection, which then makes them feel alienated from one another.

I’ve even heard some people say they feel like their partners are nothing but their flatmates.

Psychology supports this. “Research consistently finds a link between partners’ shared leisure time and relationship health,” says Theresa E. DiDonato Ph.D.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should only ever spend time with each other and let all your other relationships deteriorate. It just means that your friendship is just as important as your sexual chemistry when it comes to fostering a romantic connection.

5) You feel a strong physical attraction

Let me preface this by saying that some people can and do feel romantic attraction without a sexual factor in the equation.

For many of us, though, sexual and romantic chemistry go hand in hand.

Indeed, Gurit E. Birnbaum, Ph.D. writes that “sexual desire functions as a psychological mechanism encouraging investment in partners.”

She offers an example: “When experiencing intense passion for a partner and satisfying sex, people are likely to express affection for this partner and to have positive feelings about their relationship.”

This probably doesn’t come as a surprise – many people nurture a romantic connection with someone they are initially sexually attracted to – but it’s important to mention nonetheless.

At the same time, though, keep in mind that it is often a sense of friendship rather than sexual chemistry that gets a couple through the ups and downs of life.

6) You speak each other’s love languages

Coined by Gary Chapman, the concept of love languages has become pretty famous nowadays.

And while some people do criticize the idea for its feeble attempt to categorize expressions of love into neat little boxes, others praise it as a useful tool that helps them recognize whether their partners meet their needs.

No matter where you stand on the matter, it is true that rating the different ways in which you want to be shown love can help your partner understand you better and make you feel appreciated.

I, for example, love quality time. Sure, words of affirmation and acts of service are important to me – in a way, all five love languages are vital to a healthy relationship – but there is usually one or two that you couldn’t go without.

When my ex-partner and I learned that quality time was number one for me and number five for him, it helped us recognize our differences and accept that we had to work much harder in order to show each other love in the way we wanted.

While this ultimately didn’t work out, couples who genuinely do put in the effort serve as proof that you can have powerful romantic chemistry if you actively culture your connection and strive to make your partner feel loved in the way they need.

7) You can be authentically yourself around each other

It stands to reason that you can’t have a strong romantic connection if you’re putting on a front.

This is why love-bombing is so obviously fake – the romantic chemistry is contrived and the person forcing it is typically pretending to be someone they’re not in order to get their love interest to like them quicker.

Therefore, if you feel like you can be authentically yourself around the other person and if you aren’t afraid to express your love in its richness, it’s the final sign you have powerful romantic chemistry with them.