Breakups can really take a toll on you. You’ve spent so much time and effort getting to know someone only for it to be moot. It can be hard to unlearn all the details you’ve memorized as you got to know about your ex.
Sure, you still know all the lyrics to their favorite song. And you still remember their favorite hoodies and sneakers. You even know their go-to laundry shop. But you do have to admit that you have to move on.
Time heals, they say. But has time been enough for you to heal?
You might think you’ve fully moved on from the relationship but your actions might state otherwise. And it’ll be okay, there’s really no set timeline that you should follow in the process of moving on.
In this article, we spill the signs that say you’re not that over your ex as much as you say you do.
1) You talk about them a lot
Your first tell-tale sign you’re not over your ex is if you keep mentioning them. Your friends start to look at each other while you’re in the middle of saying “Oh my ex used to…”
You can’t help yourself because you always find a reason to bring them up. Even the most unrelated thing feels like an opportunity for you to talk about them, and you do. Without a hint of doubt, you would say something related to them. You somehow feel like they’re relevant to the conversation, even though they aren’t.
This can even be a red flag in starting a new relationship. Telling your date about your past relationship even when they didn’t ask might be off-putting.
So think twice before you mention your ex’s name on your first date with someone else. Because they might take it as a hint that you’re not interested in them.
2) You’re updated about their life
Are you lurking around their social media pages? If you are, that’s a big hint that you’re not over your ex. This applies to your past relationship with them. If you’re still in the know about what they’re doing on a daily basis, you’re definitely not over them.
Moving on means being indifferent to whatever your ex is doing. Even if you still remained friends, you should have set boundaries on how involved you are in their life. Because if you’re over them, why do you still know all these details about their everyday plans?
You like knowing about their life because you still have lingering feelings for them. You seriously need to reevaluate how much they matter to you.
3) You leave them hints
You try to leave your ex clues whenever you post something. You take a subtle jab on an inside joke you both share, waiting for them to notice and maybe make a move. Those comments not only make them feel nothing but could be the butt of the joke in group chats!
Your ex isn’t some detective who will want to decode every mystery you leave for them. Life is as confusing enough as it is. Trust us, they’re not spending hours looking at your photos, trying to see if there are hidden messages for them.
So don’t spend your time fixated on your phone, waiting for them to post something containing an old inside joke in return. Neither of you is a mind-reader.
If they still want to be with you, they’d tell you off the bat. And if they don’t, they don’t deserve you.
Now, if you really are on a mission to get them back, if this pain you’re suffering is because you know you guys deserve a second chance, there is something you can do.
And it all starts with sending a text message. Not just any old text that they might overlook, but a text that sparks their fear of losing you for good.
I learned about this from Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of men and women get their exes back. He goes by the moniker of “the relationship geek”, for good reason.
In this free video, he’ll show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.
No matter what your situation is — or how badly you’ve messed up since the two of you broke up — he’ll give you a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately.
Here’s a link to his free video again. If you really want your ex back, this video will help you do this.
4) You still keep track of important dates
In a span of a relationship, there are key dates the couple remembers. If the relationship has ended and there’s still a part of you that takes note of your monthsaries, anniversaries, and all your firsts and maybe even lasts, you’re still hung up on them. It shouldn’t be an important date to you anymore because your relationship is void.
We can look past calling them on their birthday but if you’re still calling them on your anniversary, you have to think about why the date still means something to you. If you’re over them, it includes all of the key moments in your time together.
Anniversaries are a celebration of love and there’s no point in calling your ex to remind them of your supposed 2nd year together. To them, your ship has probably sailed to the point of no return.
5) You’ve been drunk calling them
Alcohol + breakup is never a good idea.
Know why? Well, there’s a good chance that you’ll text them. You’re at one of your most vulnerable moments and the person you decide to talk to is your ex? That’s definitely another tell-tale sign you’re still trying to process the breakup.
You have suppressed your emotions about the breakup and about your ex. And all of these emotions came out when your defenses were down (like when you were drunk). No matter how much you resisted calling them while you were sober, you’re still not over them.
6) You still value their gifts for you
You most definitely exchanged gifts while you were together. They even wrote you letters when they missed you on his weekend trip last fall remember? You can’t bring yourself to dispose of the letters they wrote to you or give away the stuffed bunny they won for you in the arcade from your first date. You even have the ticket from your first movie date tucked in your wallet.
If this is the case with you, you still miss your ex.
Maybe it’s time to take tips from Marie Kondo. Do the gifts make you happy or do they make you sad over the love lost? Does it ever “spark joy” even for a little bit? If it’s the latter, it’s time to let go because it just clutters up your mind with all of these negative feelings.
7) You respond quickly when they hit you up
Every time they message you, you reply almost instantly. Your knee-jerk reaction is to reply away even if it means not thinking your message through. They start with a simple “hey” and you respond with all these details and a question for them to keep the conversation rolling.
But that’s just nostalgia urging you to reply. You just like the familiarity of their company, it does not spark. If you thought about this at least once while you’re talking to them, you haven’t moved on completely.
Why are you so eager to reply to them? Do you still hope that one conversation can turn into something more? It’s time to fully accept that the relationship is over.
But if you’re not ready to accept that things are over?
If they seem to text often, and you get the impression they too aren’t ready to move on?
There is a way you could get back together. But instead of continuing the old relationship where you left off, start afresh.
For ladies looking to get their ex back, all you have to do is simply change the emotions he associates with you and make him picture a whole new relationship with you.
In his excellent short video, James Bauer gives you a step-by-step method for changing the way your ex feels about you. He reveals the texts you can send and things you can say that will trigger something deep inside him.
Because once you paint a new picture about what your life together could be like, his emotional walls won’t stand a chance.
8) You wait for their comments on your socials
Whenever you post something new on your profile, you keep an eye on the people liking your posts or watching your stories. Why? Because you hope it’s your ex.
You think to yourself: maybe this time they’ll leave a comment. This wishful thinking is definitely a sign you still long for your ex.
You value what they can possibly have to say about your post. You wait to see if they reacted to your Instagram story. Why are you still hung up on their perception of you? What good do their comments bring to you?
9) You get emotional over their plans
When you found out that your ex brought their date to your special spot at the park, your mind went haywire. This is one of the signs that you’re not over them. If you truly were over them, you wouldn’t care about them bringing someone else to your past date spot.
A part of you wishes that they still think about you whenever they go to these places. You hope that your spot will always mean something to them too.
But that’s not the case. And you have to accept that. It doesn’t have to be today but eventually, you’ll have to accept that their world doesn’t revolve around you.
10) You stalk their new s/o
You saw your ex tagging someone new on their Instagram story. And every time they tag that person, you look at their social media account. This is such a huge sign that you still need to move on. Why does who they date matter to you so much?
Alexa play Happier by Olivia Rodrigo. If you have moved on, why do you care about who they end up with? Is there any reason that you should be too preoccupied with two people’s lives that beats focusing on your own? Maybe you’re trying to look for a flaw from your ex’s new s/o. But what you should really do is get off their Instagram, and be your best self for you.
A social media detox could actually help you remove this habit from your life. This is actually an example of operant conditioning. Operant conditioning was first described by B.F. Skinner. It focuses on weakening or strengthening a behavior. In this case, you’re conditioning yourself by removing the object of temptation(social media)!
11) You try to flirt with them “jokingly”
In the instances that they hit you up, you flirt with them as a joke. You talk about how you were so great together and laugh about the good times. Maybe you even tried joking about getting back together once or twice.
There’s a saying that jokes are half-meant. You wish you were still in that honeymoon phase wherein the flirting and banter could lead to something more again.
But at the end of the day, you know it won’t. The only thing flirting with them jokingly will do, is make you look like more of a clown.
12) You still have your photos together
You can’t bring yourself to delete your photos together. Every time you come across the photos on your phone, you look at them fondly.
You reminisce about the times you’ve shared together. You remind yourself of your midnight walks around the neighborhood and that time it rained so hard you couldn’t walk back home.
You love looking at your old photos because it reminds you of the good days you’ve had with them. But that’s all there is to it. Fragments of the past you can’t bring back. And yet, you don’t want to move it to your trash folder. But when you do, don’t forget to empty that folder too.
13) You stage “bump in’s”
You frequent their usual hangouts just so you can “accidentally run into them.” You keep finding ways to see them because maybe it can spark some sort of meet-cute. You put in too much effort on someone who won’t put in that same effort back.
You keep imagining all of these possibilities when you see them at your go-to cafe. You keep waiting for them to pull you away from your misery.
This is something you should avoid doing. It’s not healthy for you. By accepting the break-up, you should also be wary of boundaries. What exactly would you like to achieve by stalking your ex? You can’t turn back time by repeating the same things you’ve done before you ended the relationship.
The time you waste trying to spend time with them could have been time well spent with your besties. Who knows, maybe your meet-cute with the one is just around the corner.
14) You constantly think you “saw them”
You swear you saw them on the subway on your way home. You even saw them from afar at your favorite coffee shop. While crossing the street, you tell your friends that you saw them pass by.
You firmly believe that you saw them. But all you’ve probably done is confuse a stranger’s face with theirs.
And this speaks volumes about how they’re constantly at the back of your mind. You keep seeing them in strangers’ faces because you wish you could see them and spend time with them just like before. But maybe you should make their face into a stranger’s instead.
15) You accidentally say their name sometimes
You catch yourself mentioning their name every once in a while. You even called your best friend by your ex’s name. You say you just slipped and that it meant nothing. But maybe it’s your subconscious revealing that you still think about your ex frequently. Maybe you wish you were talking to them instead of your friend.
Remember when Ross said Rachel’s name at his wedding with Emily? It’s exactly like that. Ross kept denying that he still had feelings for Rachel. And I’m guessing this applies to you as well. This might be a case of a Freudian slip. It’s when you say something accidentally that reveals your subconscious feelings.
The first step to moving on is acceptance. What you need to do is accept that you still have feelings for them instead of denying it so much. Maybe only then can you truly move on.
16) You’re still hurt
Seeing them makes you understand ♪ Disappointment has a name, it’s heartbreak, heartbreak It’s heartbreak warfare. ♪ You swear it’s just hormones and your brain saying that that’s how you’re supposed to feel. But it’s not. You really are hurt. You’ve rehearsed all of the scenarios in your head as you cried yourself to sleep.
And that’s okay, some breakups take so much time before you can fully recover. You can just avoid them when you’re both invited to the same event in the future. Or maybe you can skip the next one.
Breakups will definitely sting for some time. Because you’re losing someone you’ve grown attached to. Just take it in one day at a time and one day you can look back and see how far you’ve come. Someday, you’ll see how much you’ve grown as a person and be able to look back at your relationship with them and not feel like a piece of you is missing.
Don’t worry, you’ll get through it.
17) You keep bringing up your breakup
When people are talking about problems in their relationships, you make it a point to include your breakup in the conversation. You talk about how “the same things happened with you guys and look at how you are now.” You continue on to talk about your breakup even if no one was asking about how you two ended things.
Not only will your friends get tired of hearing about it, but you might get more tired of listening to yourself constantly rant about the same person who doesn’t even have you on their mind anymore.
Maybe a reason as to why you keep replaying your breakup is because you’re still wondering where things went wrong between you two. You’re still trying to take things in. And that’s okay, we’re here for you.
18) You keep drinking to “forget”
Your song with them played at a bar and you decided to drink way more than you intended to. You suddenly smelled a whiff of their signature cologne and you end up in shambles.
You drink a couple of martinis too many to forget because the memories started rushing back to you. And you say you’re totally fine and over them. But deep down inside you know that you still get that sinking feeling whenever you think of them.
Drinking your problems away is never healthy. Psychology says journaling your thoughts can promote a lot of positive emotions. Maybe instead of drowning your sorrows, you can write about what you feel instead.
19) You compare them with your dates
Because you believe you have moved on from your ex, you try to meet someone new. But whenever someone new comes along in your life, your ex is still the standard. If your date has the same hairstyle as your ex, you’d judge who wore it better.
If your date talks about something your ex likes, you liken what they say to what your ex used to tell you. You’re extremely nit-picky with your dates and it’s because you still have your ex in mind.
You compare every single person that comes into your life with your ex. You still put them on a pedestal. Please don’t do this. You broke up for a reason. Your ex had flaws and you should acknowledge them. They’re not your perfect person.
Your perfect person is someone who will complement you as a person. Someone who will work on the relationship with you especially in the hardest moments.
20) You’re overcompensating
You keep trying to prove that you’re happy. Every time you post on social media, you emphasize how happy you are now. Sure, you may be truly happy, but you didn’t make a fuss over it like this before.
If you see how well your ex is doing without you, you constantly try to one-up them with something more exciting or entertaining for everyone to see. Even if you have fun at the time, you are still doing it for their sake, and it will still be a complete waste of your time. Doing things for yourself is so much more fulfilling! Cook something you haven’t tried yet, learn a new language, go on a bike trail — but do it for you!
You should revolve all of your plans around yourself and your growth. Taking your ex’s possible opinion about what you do is preventing you from letting go of them. You deserve all of the things that make you happy with or without their approval.
Because you don’t need their approval. You just convinced yourself that you do because of how much they meant to you. Learn to love yourself first. Forgive yourself for your mistakes in your relationship with them.
Putting yourself first
Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.
What’s your number one goal at the moment?
Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?
To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?
Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?
Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.
And even then…plans fail.
But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…
No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.
I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.
Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.
She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.
So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.
How much do you want it?
Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?
If so, check out the workshop here.
If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!
All the best,
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