9 signs someone is deeply lonely, according to psychology

Loneliness can be a silent battle. While it’s not always visible on the outside, its presence can be deeply felt by those experiencing it.

You see, loneliness isn’t just about being alone. It’s a complex emotional state that can affect anyone, regardless of their social status or the number of friends they have.

As a student of psychology, I’ve learned to recognize certain signs that suggest someone might be struggling with deep-seated loneliness.

Here are nine of these signs that might just help us reach out to someone who’s feeling isolated, even when they don’t say a word about it.

1) They withdraw from social activities

It may seem counterintuitive at first, but one of the most common signs of deep loneliness is withdrawal from social activities.

People who are feeling lonely often pull back from social interactions. This might be because they’re feeling overwhelmed by their emotions, or because they believe that others won’t understand what they’re going through.

As humans, we’re social creatures by nature. We thrive on connections and interactions with others. So when someone starts pulling away from these opportunities, it can be a clear indicator of their internal struggle.

This is not to say that every person who enjoys solitude is lonely. Far from it. But a sudden or notable decrease in social participation can be a red flag.

So if you notice a friend or loved one who’s started avoiding social events or gatherings, it might be a sign that they’re grappling with deep feelings of loneliness.

2) Their conversations feel superficial

I remember a time when I had a friend who always seemed cheerful and outgoing on the outside. We would have chats about all sorts of things – movies, music, the latest gossip.

But I gradually realized that our conversations never went beyond the surface level. We never really delved into personal issues or emotions. It was as if there was an invisible barrier preventing us from going deeper.

According to psychology, this can be another sign of deep loneliness. People who feel lonely might avoid sharing their authentic feelings or experiences, fearing rejection or misunderstanding.

They keep their conversations light and superficial, almost like a defense mechanism to hide their true feelings of loneliness.

If you notice someone who rarely opens up about their personal life, it might be worth reaching out and offering a listening ear. Sometimes, just knowing that someone cares can make a world of difference.

3) They’re always busy

It might seem odd, but people who are deeply lonely often fill their time with endless tasks and activities. This constant busyness serves as a distraction from their feelings of isolation.

In fact, a study published in the Journal of Personality found a link between chronic loneliness and an over-reliance on self-regulatory behaviors, such as keeping oneself busy. The study suggests that this might be a coping mechanism used to avoid confronting the painful feelings associated with loneliness.

If you see someone who’s always on the go, never taking time to relax or connect with others, they might be using their packed schedule as a shield against the emptiness of loneliness.

4) They have trouble sleeping

Sleep is a vital aspect of our overall well-being. But for those grappling with deep loneliness, a good night’s sleep can be elusive.

Lonely individuals often struggle with insomnia or disrupted sleep. The quiet of the night can make feelings of loneliness even more pronounced, leading to anxiety and restlessness.

The lack of quality sleep can, in turn, affect their mood and cognitive function during the day, potentially exacerbating their feelings of isolation.

5) They seem overly attached to their possessions

Attachment to material possessions can sometimes be a coping mechanism for individuals who are feeling deeply lonely.

Objects, unlike people, can provide a sense of security without the risk of rejection or abandonment. This might explain why some lonely individuals form strong emotional bonds with their possessions.

If you notice someone who seems unusually attached to their things, treating them with great care and affection, it could be a sign they’re using these objects to fill an emotional void.

6) They hide their true feelings

Emotional transparency can be a challenging task for those struggling with deep loneliness. It’s not that they don’t feel emotions – they do, and often very intensely. But expressing these emotions to others can feel like a risk too great to take.

Lonely individuals may fear revealing their true feelings because they worry it will drive people away or lead to judgment. So they put on a brave face, perhaps smiling and laughing when they’re actually feeling quite low.

If you notice someone consistently masking their emotions, especially when you suspect they might be hurting, it could be a sign of hidden loneliness. It’s in these moments that a simple act of kindness can mean the world – a gentle word, a listening ear, or simply the reassurance that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling.

7) They’re overly self-critical

Once, during a particularly tough period in my life, I remember finding fault in almost everything I did. Nothing seemed good enough, and I was constantly berating myself for my perceived failures. It was a challenging time, and looking back, I realize that this self-criticism was a manifestation of my deep-seated loneliness.

When individuals are lonely, they often become their own harshest critics. They may interpret their loneliness as a personal failing, blaming themselves for not being ‘likeable’ or ‘good enough’ to have meaningful connections.

If you notice someone who’s constantly putting themselves down or criticizing their own actions, they might be struggling with feelings of loneliness.

8) They spend a lot of time online

In today’s digital age, the internet can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it offers a platform for connection and communication. But on the other, it can sometimes deepen feelings of isolation and loneliness.

People who are deeply lonely may spend excessive amounts of time online, seeking connections in the virtual world when they feel they lack them in the real one. They might constantly update their social media, engage in online forums, or binge-watch series after series.

While the internet can provide temporary relief from loneliness, it’s often just that – temporary. So if you notice someone spending an inordinate amount of time online, they might be using it as a coping mechanism for their loneliness.

9) They often feel misunderstood

Perhaps the most poignant sign of deep loneliness is the persistent feeling of being misunderstood. Lonely individuals often feel that no one truly ‘gets’ them, adding to their sense of isolation.

This feeling can create a self-perpetuating cycle – the more misunderstood they feel, the more they isolate themselves, and the more isolated they become, the more misunderstood they feel.

Recognizing this sign in someone can be a crucial first step towards breaking this cycle. Showing empathy, asking open-ended questions, and genuinely listening can go a long way in helping them feel seen and understood.

Essentially, it’s about empathy

Understanding loneliness is not just a psychological endeavor, it’s a deeply human one.

Loneliness, in its essence, is a cry for connection, understanding, and empathy. It’s a universal feeling that we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives.

Recognizing the signs of deep loneliness in others allows us to reach out, to bridge the gap, and to remind them that they’re not alone.

The poet John Donne once wrote, “No man is an island.” This profound statement captures the interconnectedness of our lives. We are social beings who thrive on connections, relationships, and shared experiences.