6 signs someone has a difficult personality but a genuinely kind heart, according to psychology

Not everyone’s personality is like sunshine in a bottle. Not everyone is easy to get along with and not everyone has the same sense of humor.

And you know what?

That’s okay.

The fact that someone’s personality may be a bit difficult doesn’t automatically mean they’re evil. It just means they may not be the right person for you or they might struggle with some issues that affect their behavior deep down.

Whatever the culprit is, the person in question may still have a genuinely kind heart.

And these are the 6 signs this is the case.

1) They may not have a way with words but their actions speak loud and clear

One of the main reasons someone can be challenging to deal with is that they don’t properly think through what they’re going to say before they say it.

Or they find it difficult to communicate their feelings.

Or they can’t find the right words to express their opinions.

Or they have a harsh sense of humor, one that offends or wounds far too many people.

If this sounds like someone you know, keep in mind that I’m not trying to excuse their behavior. I’m merely explaining that it doesn’t make them inherently evil – it simply means they’re flawed human beings.

Oftentimes, it is our actions that display our true intentions.

Elizabeth may sometimes accidentally offend people, but she would never gossip and is always more than willing to help those in need.

Jerry finds it hard to articulate how he feels about his partner, but he will always pick her up after work or a night out, follow through on his promises, and try his best to ensure she is safe, healthy, happy, and thriving.

I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the saying “Actions speak louder than words” before. Well, psychologist Noam Shpancer Ph.D. says that it depends on what we mean by “louder.”

He explains, “Actions tend to speak more truthfully than words. More often than we’d like to admit, the true goal of people’s behavior is not the declared or stated outcome, but the actual one. To understand people (including ourselves) better, we are thus well advised to use behavior as our guide.”

2) They are slow to open up but will always hear you out

Speaking of poor communication, some people aren’t difficult because they say the wrong thing. They’re difficult because they don’t say anything at all.

For various reasons, they may try to remain a mystery for as long as possible, which means that you basically never get to know them for who they truly are.

They could refuse to talk about their past, be very hesitant to express their feelings or struggle to be more vulnerable with you.

Again, this doesn’t mean they’re necessarily cruel or cold-hearted. It just means they are facing their own challenges deep down; challenges that you can’t help them with if they aren’t willing to do so themselves.

But do you know what one of the pillars of emotional intelligence and kindness is?

Empathy.

If someone struggles to open up but is always happy to hear you out, give you emotional support, and offer advice…

They’re trying to be there for you. Even if they don’t want you to be there for them.

Whether you choose to be alright with this or not is completely up to you and dependent on your individual circumstances.

3) They carry a lot of unhealed wounds – but do not let them impact the people they love

We all have some sort of emotional baggage.

From subtle immaturities to deep-seated trauma that influences our behavior to a large extent, everyone’s got something.

And if they aren’t properly aware of it or if they struggle a great deal to keep the symptoms under control, their wounds may manifest as immature behavior.

Here’s the crux of the problem, though.

You can either let your wounds determine your behavior, get stuck in a victim mentality, and pretend nothing is your fault while all your loved ones take the grunt of the pain…

Or you can be the bigger person, actively work on yourself, and try to have thriving relationships regardless of the difficulties you’ve got to overcome.

The choice is yours.

4) Their intentions come from a good place but their actions fall short

Alright, we’re getting into tricky territory here!

Remember how I said actions speak louder than words? Well, that still applies. But it doesn’t mean actions are the ultimate way to determine someone’s character.

Before you come at me, no, I’m not saying that the intention of getting you flowers is enough to excuse the lack of the actual gesture.

But if you’re trying to figure out if someone has a genuinely kind heart, intentions come in handy.

And that’s because you can have the purest of intentions and still go about things the wrong way. You can have someone’s best interests at heart and still screw up along the way.

If someone hurts you and then says they “meant well,” it’s manipulation. The words mean nothing.

But if they genuinely try to do something nice for you and then fail to accomplish that goal for various reasons, they may be flawed, but not unkind.

It’s important that we can tell the difference.

5) They stubbornly cling to their opinions but also respect yours

When we say someone has a “difficult personality,” what we often mean is that they’re outspoken and confident – and we can’t handle it.

But being highly opinionated isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It shows strong character and passion.

The problem comes when the person in question refuses to take other people’s opinions into consideration, dismisses their contributions, or mocks them just to win some imaginary battle.

Someone can be “difficult” – aka, outspoken – and still have a genuinely kind heart. And a huge sign this is the case is when they respect your opinions even though they disagree.

“I don’t agree with this because of X and Y, but I can see where you’re coming from. It’s just not my way of going about things.”

Simple as that.

6) They seem cold or unapproachable (until you get to know them on a deeper level)

One of my close friends has a resting bitch face.

If you met her somewhere in an office or at a café, you’d probably think her unapproachable or cold.

The truth is, she is one of the most loyal and emotional friends I’ve ever met. If someone were to hurt me, she’d scratch their eyes out.

(For the record, that was a joke.)

(Maybe.)

This is why I don’t really assign much value to first impressions. They can be quite deceptive.

I generally like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and oftentimes, I find that they just need a bit of space to open up before their true personality – warm, bubbly, and loving – comes out.

It isn’t your style, facial expressions, or tone of voice that determine whether you have a kind heart or not.

Your behavior, intentions, and values, though…

That’s a different story.