Paul Brian
Every time we take a risk on love we hope for the best.
But there are times when the problems become so bad and so frequent that you’re forced to ask whether you should throw in the towel.
The truth is that there are 15 clear signs that a woman is wrong for you and is hurting your chances at finding real love.
Here they are…
15 unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you
1) She tries to control every part of your life
There are a lot of stereotypes out there about women who try to control their boyfriend.
The stereotypes exist for a reason: this kind of woman exists and she is a nightmare.
Listen, asking your partner to make changes, compromise or listen to what you’re saying is perfectly fine.
But when it crosses the line into controlling them it becomes toxic, creepy and miserable.
Nobody has the right to control and force somebody else to feel or act a certain way.
When you as a guy behave or act a certain way only out of fear, shame or obligation, you’re engaging in a form of emotional self-harm.
It doesn’t matter what justification you make to yourself, or how much this lady convinces you to shut up and do what she says.
It’s not OK.
And it’s definitely not love.
As Gentleman’s Journal puts it:
“She controls your entire life. Who you see, what you do, where you are, what you say.
“Your life is your own, and not yet shared as you would wish, so escape the clutch of her vicious talons.”
2) She’s extremely emotionally needy
We all have emotional needs and desire to feel a sense of belonging and intimacy. There is nothing wrong with that at all.
But when we create sky-high expectations on another person in a relationship, we engage in a form of manipulation and self-deception.
People who are very emotionally needy aren’t ready for a mature relationship.
It’s not smart and it leads to disaster every time.
That’s why one of the most unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you is that she is extremely emotionally needy.
There’s a massive difference between her being affectionate and loving toward you and her demanding that you pamper and emotionally coddle her.
One is a healthy element of an adult relationship.
The other is a classic sign of codependency, where you are expected to “save” or “comfort” her in a way that will somehow provide validation.
It’s a bet you’re never going to win.
And it’s a pattern that’s bound to lead to heartbreak.
If she’s clingy, needy and emotionally demanding you need to step back and think twice, because that’s not what love is made of.
3) She makes you feel the need to hide who you really are
One of the most unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you is when you feel the need to hide who you are around her.
Is she liberal and you’re conservative? Do you feel the need to downplay this?
Is she completely focused on having a family but you want to focus on career? Do you outwardly agree with her and pretend that you share the same priority so that she’ll be more into you?
(Insert buzzer noise and a meme of somebody facepalming dramatically.)
No, my friend, this is not OK at all…
Disagreeing or having different life paths is something you can work with.
But feeling the need to censor who you are is something else entirely. It’s like trying to write a symphony with someone who hates violins and pretending you hate them too just to please them and get validated.
It ain’t going to work!
“Anyone who asks you to be a different person or indirectly makes you feel that you can’t be all of who you are isn’t a good fit.
“The ‘right’ partner will make you feel empowered and supported.
“They will motivate you to be the best version of you — not a completely different person,” advises marriage therapist Esther Boykin.
Good advice!
Don’t trim yourself to fit the world or any woman.
If you do this you’ll end up having nothing left of you but a husk of the person you once were. Love yourself and do you: the right person will be all for it.
4) You feel deep in your gut that she’s not “the One”
Gut instinct matters. It matters a lot.
If you are looking for unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you then check in with your gut.
What does your intuition tell you?
If you were to tell me that you really don’t know and that it only gives you a “meh” in response, I would advise you to look out for the following specific clues:
- What emotion do you usually have when you’re around her?
- How do you feel when you make eye contact with her?
- How do you usually feel like reacting when she talks with you?
- What do you feel in the pit of your stomach when I ask you to picture ten years in the future if you’re married to her and have a life together?
Being honest about the answer to these questions will tell you a lot about what your gut instinct reaction to her is.
When it’s right you’re going to feel a sense of calmness, excitement and certainty. You’ll feel optimistic.
When it’s wrong you’re going to feel a sense of confusion, anxiety and insecurity. You’ll feel like avoiding the subject.
Be honest! Nobody else can do this for you, and a life with the wrong person is pretty close to hell on earth…
5) Date nights have totally disappeared
When you’re in love with someone you like to spend time with them.
When you’re not, you don’t.
If you used to go on date nights with this girl and now you can’t find the time or energy, be warned that it’s one of the biggest unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you.
No matter how busy you are, the right woman is going to motivate you on a deep level.
You will make time for her if you have to move heaven and earth.
The wrong woman is going to leave you with a feeling of indifference or even annoyance.
Going out with her or doing something special will become more of an obligation than a treat.
This is a giant flashing red warning light.
“When date nights, no matter how short, become non-existent, or your partner finds excuses to avoid coming home (or vice versa), alarm bells should go off.”
6) She’s critical and constantly nags you
All relationships are going to have fights and tensions.
But if she’s critical and constantly nagging you, it’s one of those unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you.
Because the truth is that life is too short to spend it with someone who cuts you down.
This is especially painful when it’s the person closest to you doing the undermining and lashing out.
We already live in a society that does enough judging and labelling for all of us.
Do you really want your girlfriend or wife piling on as well?
It’s just not something that you should have to deal with in a relationship.
Criticism and honest confrontation: absolutely. Criticism and sneaky bitter undermining: forget it.
7) She puts you last, every time
You’re not always going to get your way in a relationship, even with the right woman.
But in a healthy relationship you will feel seen and heard.
Even when you fight, you’ll know that it’s at least for a reason.
But when a woman is wrong for you there will often be a sense of being forgotten, pushed aside and misused.
You will feel like she sees you as an afterthought in her life.
She puts you last every time and expects you to cater to her needs no matter what.
It’s just not good enough…
“Do you move your commitments around and/or wait until you know if your partner is available before you make other plans?
“When you feel like everything else is more important than you are, then you’re likely in a one-sided relationship.”
8) She never takes the blame (like, never)
If you try to blame her for everything then it’s you who’s the toxic one.
But if she never takes the blame, that’s a whole other kettle of fish.
Because when one partner tries to always dodge responsibility or culpability for things it creates a toxic system of resentment and fear.
It leads directly to a type of point-scoring in relationships that turns them into disaster zones.
You don’t want to be with someone who needs to be perfect.
Someone who never says sorry is someone who will break your heart and leave you high and dry.
Stay away from people like this. They can go be “perfect” and blameless on someone else’s time.
You deserve someone who wants to live with you in the real world, not a world of one-sided make believe.
9) You’re with her mainly out of fear of being alone
If you’re mainly with her because you’re scared to be alone, she’s not the right woman for you.
When we live life in this way, fearful and shrinking, we invite in the wrong people.
We call in love that’s shallow, surface-based and temporary.
That fear of being alone is a powerful emotion which you can use to process trauma and fears that are holding you back.
But if you try to stuff it full of emotional junk food and cheap relationships, you’ll only suffer more in the end when you vomit it all up.
Don’t ever be with someone because of fear of being alone.
It only ends with you being alone and feeling even worse about it.
10) You have to lie to yourself to stay in the relationship
If you have to lie to yourself to stay in a relationship then you’re doing it wrong.
If you like a girl but she makes you feel insecure and crappy, then ask yourself why.
Chances are that you know very well why but are ignoring it because you are attracted to her.
Sadly, attraction isn’t always enough.
There are many other elements that go into a successful connection.
Tim Urban points out that one of the biggest mistakes a man makes when choosing a life partner is that he “repeatedly ignores the little voice that tries to speak up when he and his girlfriend are fighting constantly or when he seems to feel much worse about himself these days than he used to before the relationship, shutting the voice down.”
Don’t ignore that “little voice!”
11) She isn’t very interested in what makes you tick and ignores when you tell her about yourself
If there’s one thing I can find in common with every woman I’ve been romantically interested in, it’s this:
I was always truly interested in what made her tick and her story.
We all have a story, but when we fall in love our story becomes like our passport. We use it to travel into another person’s “country” and enter their zone of trust and love…
We relate to them in our philosophies, ideas, feelings and values.
We clash and combine in ways that come to shape who we are and who we will be.
And that’s very special.
So when that is missing and it’s all about sex, status, practicality or something else, you need to be very cautious…
“One of the signs that your date is likely to make a good mate is that the he or she shows genuine interest in your life and listens attentively when you are speaking.
“They also remember things that you have told them about yourself,” writes psychologist and author Elinor Greenberg.
12) She makes her problems your responsibility and blames you for them
This is known as gaslighting.
It’s really nasty business, and if a woman is doing it to you on a regular basis, then you need to duck out.
Her problems are not your responsibility.
You can support her, be there for her and care about her.
But you cannot and should never take the burden of her problems and make them your problems.
As tempting as this can be, it’s the classic sign of a codependent connection.
And codependency isn’t love: it’s a replaying of childhood patterns of emotional trauma and dependency.
And it always ends in disaster and heartbreak.
You can certainly learn a lot from the pain of codependency as you play through the “victim” and “savior” roles, but you won’t come out the other side of it in love.
You’ll emerge washed up, brokenhearted and exhausted…
You’re better off just avoiding this saga altogether.
13) She keeps score in the relationship
Guys tend to be into sports and keeping track of last night’s score.
But one score that’s stressful as hell is relationship score-keeping.
This is when your woman keeps track of who did what, when and why and then uses it against you to get her way or punish you.
“You don’t want to go out tonight? No problem, I guess.”
Then a week later when you say you’re light on money and can’t loan her money for a dress she verbally eviscerates you for it: “You already flaked on me last week, now you can’t even help me out with $50?”
Welcome to the toxic world of relationship score-keeping…
Bestselling author Mark Manson nails it on this one, writing:
“The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness.
“This is a double-whammy of suckage.
“Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.”
14) She dislikes your friends and family
There is such a thing as Romeo and Juliet love. It doesn’t always end in death, either.
But generally speaking, one of the unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you is when she dislikes your friends and family.
After all, those closest to us are part of who we are and define a lot of what makes us tick.
If she rejects them but loves you, that’s kind of a contradiction.
Now, I’m not saying that your girl needs to be besties with every guy you clink glasses with on a Friday night… Let’s be realistic here.
But if she generally is repulsed and uninterested by those closest to you, then you need to think about what a future with her would really be like.
Having a social life is important, and so is family. If neither of these have any overlap, how will you build a life together?
15) She doesn’t accept when you say no
There are many examples in relationships of when you just need to say no.
It could be that you’re too tired or stressed to do something your partner asks, or it could just be that you have a boundary you won’t cross.
That’s when your partner needs to respect it even if it rubs them the wrong way.
Without compromise you’re going to crash and burn.
That’s why one of the most unfortunate signs she’s not the right woman for you is that she won’t take no for an answer.
Even when she appears to accept your “no,” she needles and bugs you about it for days and weeks afterwards.
Talk about toxic…
“‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love.
“Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people.”
Moving on…
A friend of mine recently told me a story about a handmade Balinese purse.
He bought it in the 1990s on vacation in Bali at a bazaar, captivated by the bright colors and craftsmanship.
In his third marriage at the time, his wife nudged him about it after they got home a few times, expressing interest in it…
But he kept it hidden away. It didn’t feel like it was “meant” for her…
His next wife didn’t quite make him feel that sense of commitment either. It just didn’t seem like it was for her.
But when he met with number five, with whom he’s currently still married, the purse magically emerged from storage and he gave it to her without hesitation.
It had been “meant” for her the whole time. She was the owner of the purse, and of his heart…
When a woman isn’t the right woman for you it can be very hard.
But you need to trust yourself and trust in the universe.
The right woman is coming. Be true to yourself and you will find true love.
