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17 signs she’s not into you (and what to do about it)

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Even if you enjoy the thrill of the chase, you don’t want to waste your time.

It can feel like a total kick in the teeth to throw your energy into pursuing a girl when it’s going nowhere.

If you have your doubts, you need to know the signs she’s not into you.

If you notice any of these red flags, then this article will also tell you exactly how to deal with it.

17 top signs she’s not interested

1) She sends short replies to your messages

Texting is one of the most popular ways of staying in touch with someone.

In fact, stats show that adults under 45 send and receive over 85 texts every day, on average.

But if she’s only sending the bare minimum reply, it’s a really bad sign.

Short replies might include:

  • Getting one-word answers to your messages or questions.
  • Just sending emojis instead of text. (Every now and then is fine, but it’s a lazy approach that suggests she can’t be bothered to talk.)
  • Only liking a DM, comment, or message, but not responding in any other way.

Texting is just an online conversation. If only one person is engaging in the chat it’s obviously not going anywhere.

If she replies to all your messages really briefly, she’s trying to send you a clear message.

Although she’s not going to ignore you altogether and ghost you, she isn’t interested.

And if you’ve known her for a while, and she is not texting like she used to, then that may be a sign that she has lost feelings for you.

2) You always message her first

It’s true that women aren’t always the easiest to read.

She may be waiting until you initiate contact. She may be shy. She may want to check that you’re interested and so let you message first.

But in this day and age, most women who are interested in you will want to speak to you, so they’ll reach out if they don’t hear anything for a while.

That’s why you always being the one to slide into her inbox is one of the very first signs she’s not into you anymore over text.

If she never is the one to message you first then she either has nerves of steel or just isn’t that into you.

But even the best-case scenario means she’s too high maintenance to think she needs to put in any effort. So either way, it’s not great.

3) She keeps you hanging

Maybe pretty much always means no.

So if she seems on the fence about whether to go on the date, it’s a clear lack of interest.

You try to make plans but she’s not sure what she’s doing yet. She wants to “let you know”. Being non-committal when you ask her out reflects her obvious lack of enthusiasm.

It’s obvious she doesn’t want a relationship.

Sadly, lying through text is way easier. One study found that people are more likely to lie over messages compared to over the phone, video chat, and face-to-face communication.

That means it’s easier for her to keep putting you off with excuse after excuse.

So if explanations like “Sorry, I’ve been super busy” or “I’ve been snowed under at work” start to become frequent, it’s safe to take her fluffy “maybe” as a hard “no”.

4) Her body language tells you

Body language really matters. It gives away clues about how we’re feeling, that we’re not even conscious of.

It can show when we’re nervous, bored, tense, or happy. It can definitely show you whether she is attracted to you or not.

That’s why reading her body language when you’re together will tell you a lot about how she feels about you.

A few key signals of closed body language that suggest she’s not interested are:

  • Keeping a physical distance from you
  • Looking away from you (or around at other people and things in the room)
  • Avoiding your touch
  • Crossing her arms
  • Avoiding eye contact

It’s important to note that body language is a two-way street, so you always want to send her the right subliminal signs that you’re interested.

That’s because women are highly tuned into the signals a man’s body is giving off…

They get an “overall impression” of a guy’s attractiveness and think of him as either “hot” or “not” based on these body language signals.

Watch this excellent free video by Kate Spring.

Kate’s a relationship expert who helps guys improve their body language around women.

In this free video, she gives you several body language techniques guaranteed to help you better attract women.

Here’s a link to the video again.

5) She takes ages to reply

Let’s face it, a lot of girls’ social media profiles are littered with unanswered DMs. Or their dating profiles are chocked full with hopeful matches who they never respond to.

But even the girls who are swamped by dozens of guys will prioritize replying to the ones they like over the ones they’re “just too busy” to answer.

So, if you’re looking for those online dating signs she’s not interested, then how long it takes her to get back to you is a great place to start.

If she’s taking over 24 hours to respond to your messages, she’s probably not that into you.

Every now and then, it’s understandable. We all have lives and other commitments. But let’s get real, it only takes two minutes to send a text.

It all comes down to priorities, and you clearly aren’t one of hers. If she’s still ignoring you for days, then it’s definitely a sign she’s not interested.

6) She cancels on you

If ever there was an obvious sign she’s unsure about you it’s frequently canceling plans.

Confession time: I canceled on a guy several times in a row. I know, I know, it’s not nice.

Here’s the thing, I did like him and he’s a nice guy. But deep down I wasn’t that interested and I knew it (and he also finally understood it too after my 4th cancellation.)

I’m not proud of myself. The problem is that I was trying to give him a chance, but my heart clearly wasn’t in it. I wanted to like him romantically, but I just didn’t.

In contrast, another guy who I really was into I would always change my plans to make myself available when he wanted to see me.

We all have the same amount of time in a day and week. We make time for the people we’re interested in. It’s as simple as that.

If she isn’t making time for you and cancels your plans, then she is directly showing you how important you are to her. And the answer is, not very.

7) She’s a closed book

Dating is all about getting to know someone. If she’s not playing ball, then it’s fair to assume she doesn’t really want to let you get to know her.

Perhaps she is evasive about answering certain questions and she’s giving nothing away. Maybe she even seems totally disinterested in having deeper conversations.

Sure, it takes some people a while to open up when chatting, especially if they are shy or nervous.

But if she likes you, it shouldn’t feel so hard to try and get to know her.

You should be able to ask things without being met with stone-cold silence.

8) She references you as her friend

You’re getting on great. In fact, you really seem to hit it off.

She’s laughing and smiling. You have great back and forth chats over text. She’s always up for hanging out.

But there’s a dark grey cloud hanging over this potential little love rainbow and it’s called the friend zone.

Because rather annoyingly, every one of us has learned the hard way at some time or another that there is a difference between like and “like”.

If she sees you as more than a friend, she’s very unlikely to use the friend word. She wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression.

So if she calls you her friend, says you’re such a good friend, or that she’s so pleased you guys are friends…then it’s safe to assume she’s not romantically interested in you.

9) She goes quiet and then resurfaces

Guys might get the player reputation, but plenty of girls are just as guilty of this attention-seeking move.

I like to call it the yo-yo. Because you never know whether you are coming or going.

She will disappear for while and you probably assume that she has lost interest. But when she is bored and not much else is going on, she pops up again.

This is a classic tactic used by these types of women to see if you’ll chase after them again.

They may come across as cold and aloof at times. Then they reach out to offer you just enough hope to keep you guessing.

Rather than testing you or wanting you to chase, this shows a fundamental lack of genuine interest.

A woman who really likes a guy doesn’t play games with him. The best thing you can do is to ignore her disappearing act or call her out on it.

10) She talks about other guys to you

Every girl instinctively knows this: no man in the world wants to hear about other dudes on the scene.

Science tells us that guys can be pretty territorial.

Regardless of if nothing has happened yet between you two or it’s still really early days, if a girl is attracted to you, she’s won’t talk about other men she likes.

Here is what she might do though. She might talk about other guys who like her.

If it sounds like a subtle difference, it’s not. Talking about men who like her could be to show you that she’s a high-value woman and has other people interested.

It’s one of those smart and subtle dating brags to try and make your crush a little jealous.

But if she has her eyes on you, she isn’t going to ruin her chances by bringing up other men she’s seeing, dating, or has the hots for.

11) She avoids your gaze

It’s kind of crazy just how powerful eye contact is for us humans.

We use our eyes to communicate all kinds of stuff with each other. Whilst it’s not always 100% this straightforward, generally speaking, you can assume:

If a girl is into you, she will look right back at you. If she’s not into you, she will avoid your gaze.

Avoidance is a common sign she’s not into you because it makes her uncomfortable.

When someone looks at you directly, it puts you on display. If you’re interested, you want to be noticed. But if you’re not interested you feel more vulnerable and exposed by it.

If the feeling of attraction isn’t mutual, being looked at might make you self-conscious and nervous.

So if a girl is avoiding your gaze, it’s a way of showing you that she’s not welcoming your attention.

12) She makes it a group date

Group dates can be a lot of fun, but they can also be intended as backup.

I had a girlfriend of mine enlist me to join a first date of hers when she had already decided to friend-zone him.

She ensured me that he was bringing some friends too, and it would be a relaxed meet-up.

He turned up alone. It was just the three of us. I wanted to die with embarrassment for both me and him.

Depending on the circumstances, suggesting people join you when you make plans to hang out isn’t always a brush-off.

She could be a little nervous and want support. If you’ve met online, she might be checking you’re not a murdering before spending time alone with you.

So, you’ll need to look out for other signs she’s not interested too. But if you ask her out and she always invites other people along, you can assume that she’s trying to dilute it from a date into a group hang out.

13) She doesn’t remember things you tell her

This is another example of her subconsciously telling you she’s not interested.

You may think that remembering something you say is an easy thing to do, but it’s actually very hard.

Our brains are constantly processing information and making decisions based on what we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and feel.

Our memories aren’t perfect either. We forget things all the time. And sometimes we misremember things.

It takes effort to remember something. Whether you do or not often depends on how much attention you were paying at the time, and whether you actually cared enough to properly listen to what you were told.

So, if she forgets things you tell her, it’s a good indication that she’s not into you and isn’t making much of an effort getting to know you.

14) She doesn’t ask you things

It’s a simple formula.

Questions are how we find out more about someone. And they’re how we signal to somebody that we have an interest in learning about them.

On a very practical level, it’s just how we keep a conversation going too — whether that’s in person or over messages.

If she is interested in getting to know you, she should be asking you things.

Things about what you like and dislike, what you think, feel, believe. Things that will help her get to know you better. That involves certain personal questions too, rather than just chit-chat.

But if she never asks anything, then it’s safe to assume that she has no interest in knowing you any deeper.

15) She makes zero effort with her appearance around you

Making zero effort is going to differ wildly depending on the girl.

But every girl (and guy too) who is going to make some kind of effort to look good around the person they are interested in.

A lot of girls will spend hours putting themselves together so that they look their best. They’ll go through their wardrobe looking for the right outfit. They’ll try different hairstyles and makeup looks until they find one that works well.

They’ll even pay attention to details such as matching jewelry, shoes, and accessories.

And when they finally decide to show off their best side, they’ll make sure they look really good. After all, that’s all part of the fun and excitement of dating.

So, when she shows zero effort with her appearance, it’s a pretty clear sign that you don’t give her those butterflies and she’s not interested.

16) She doesn’t laugh or joke with you

Laughing is a great way to break the ice. When you first meet someone new who you like, you want to let them know that you’re friendly and approachable.

The easiest way to do this is by laughing, smiling, and joking with them.

It’s totally true that women like funny guys, and science has proved it. You really don’t have to be Chris Rock to have her in stitches.

As noted in Healthline, researchers observed that laughing is a big reflection of attraction levels:

“When strangers meet, the more times a man tries to be funny and the more times a woman laughs at those attempts, the more likely it is for the woman to be interested in dating. An even better indicator of attraction is if the two are seen laughing together.”

When you start to talk to each other, and there is good chemistry you’ll both start smiling and laughing. You’ll probably exchange jokes and stories.

But if she offers you little more than an awkward smile, it’s a big red flag.

17) She makes polite excuses

Ghosting is disrespectful and pretty brutal. But as nasty as it is, I guess you could say that at least it is clear.

There are no mixed signals from someone who decides to ignore you. The same cannot be said for polite excuses.

That’s why it’s one of the more subtle signs she’s not into you.

If you’re hearing phrases like “I’m not looking for anything right now”, “I’m still getting over my ex” or “I want to be single” — it could be true, but it could also be a way of letting you down gently.

It’s almost like those old tried and tested cliches like “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”.

When it comes down to it, the truth is that she’s probably just not interested enough and is trying to be polite.

Much like in the same way a girl will tell a guy in a bar she has a boyfriend to get rid of him. These subtle rejections can feel far less threatening to women conscious of being totally upfront about their lack of interest towards you.

What to do if a girl is not interested in you

Maybe you’ve read the signs, and they’re not looking good.

You’re getting some frosty vibes coming from her direction that confirms she’s probably not into you.

What now?

Take it like a man

Here’s the honest truth: every single person on the planet faces rejection. It never feels good. But it’s also a fact of life for all of us.

It doesn’t always feel this way, but I also promise you it’s not personal. Attraction is complicated.

Taking it like a man means behaving with respect (both towards her and yourself.) Be gracious and accept it with dignity.

Don’t get angry. Don’t be rude or unkind towards her. Hold your head up high.

Match her energy levels

This is important. If you’ve been chasing her and getting nothing back, it’s time to stop.

Put in just as much effort as she does. Only text her if she’s texting you too. Don’t go out of your way to put in energy that she isn’t reciprocating.

If she does like you, she will make more of an effort. If she doesn’t then you’re no longer wasting your time.

Learn lessons

A lot of the time, there’s absolutely nothing you could have done differently. The outcome would have been the same. And that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

But sometimes there are lessons to learn for the future. It pays off to learn the ways of the dating game so that next time you get a better result.

I mentioned earlier someone who’s been a total game-changer in so many men’s dating life – relationship expert Kate Spring.

She teaches powerful techniques to take you from being “friend-zoned” to “in demand”.

From the power of body language to gaining confidence, Kate’s tapped into something most relationship experts overlook:

The biology of what attracts women.

Check out this free video by Kate.

If you’re ready to level up your dating game, her unique tips and techniques will do the trick.

Continue to date

It doesn’t sound the most romantic thing to say, but dating is a bit of a numbers game.

Not everyone is going to be the right match for you.

Everyone gets turned down and the only way to find dating success is to get back out there.

Your love life is no different than any other area of your life, the more you practice it, the easier it gets.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

Written by Pearl Nash

Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Right, she finally managed to get married to the love of her life. Now that she’s settled down and happier than she’s ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey.

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