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14 blatant signs a married man is using you (and what to do next)

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Are you seeing a married man?

It can be an exciting, intense and sometimes hair-raising experience.

One moment you think he’s really in love with you, the next you feel he couldn’t care less about you.

Here are the top signs that you’ll never be anything more than a diversion for a married man.

Watch out for these disturbing signs.

14 blatant signs a married man is using you

1) He doesn’t open up to you at all

One of the worst blatant signs a married man is using you is that he remains a closed book.

Even if you’ve been seeing each other for months, he’s beyond your reach emotionally.

He may make the one offhand comment now and then about his life.

Or tell you some basic biographical details.

But he’s more or less off limits to you in terms of his deeper thoughts, feelings, and private life.

He just shows up looking for a fun and intimate time with you and then ducks out soon after.

Even times you spend together that last longer, you may find yourself reflecting and realize that it was only really you who opened up.

That kind of a one-sided arrangement isn’t enough to satisfy anyone.

2) He only calls when he wants sex

The most disturbing of the blatant signs a married man is using you is when he only calls you for sex.

He’s sweet as pie when he’s getting what he wants.

But if you’re not in the mood or are busy when he’s frisky, suddenly the charm switches off.

He goes cold on you.

He may not return calls for a number of days, or give you a wan smile when you next see him.

These kinds of juvenile and toxic games are enough to drive anyone mad and make you want to cut off contact completely.

The problem is that if you’ve developed some feelings for him, you may find that much easier said than done.

Sex with somebody you care about and respect may be a great experience, but it’s a lot different when you can see that it’s purely transactional and physical for him.

3) He has no plans to leave his wife for you

Asking or expecting a married man to leave his wife for you will usually end in bitter disappointment.

It’s quite rare.

But that doesn’t mean that a guy can’t be tempted.

When he’s truly falling for you and appreciating your company, he’s going to have a hard time turning you down for something more serious.

That’s why one of the blatant signs a married man is using you is that he doesn’t even pretend to consider changing his life for you.

Every moment with him is crystal clear that this just a dalliance.

There’s not even a hint of temptation for him to turn his life upside down.

He’s got you filed away in just the right category.

You’re a side piece, and he’d never think about making big changes to be with you.

Not exactly comforting to know, is it?

4) He uses you as an emotional receptacle

In addition to using you as a physical receptacle (yuck), a married man who’s only taking advantage of you will unload on you emotionally.

This can include constantly complaining and venting to you…

Crawling to you when he’s down and expecting to be cared for and stroked like a little seal pup…

And otherwise demanding that you provide comfort, advice and encouragement to him as he goes through the ups and downs of life.

This is codependent and slimy behavior on his part if he’s never returning the favor.

If it is mutual and you’re finding the bond meaningful, that’s fair enough, but keep in mind that if it’s very one-sided that’s usually intentional on his part.

He wants you there for him when he’s down, but when you are, he’s a million miles away.

5) He leads you on to get sex and intimacy

A twist on the previous points is when a married man is only in it for the sex and the emotional comfort, but he hints at something more and leads you on.

He can tell you’re more attached than he is, so he stokes these cruel hopes as a way to get an endless supply of intimacy from you.

This is a pretty cynical thing to do, and hopefully, you’re not going through it.

But keep in mind that some cheaters are pretty shadowy people, and they can engage in some really emotionally manipulative behavior.

I’m not saying this is true of all married men who cheat, but it’s certainly a behavior that some of them engage in.

They take advantage of you hoping for something more, dropping hints that they “might” want to someday as well…

But all they’re really doing is hitting the snooze button.

Emotional manipulation is a common trait in narcissistic people, and if you’re dealing with a married man who is doing things like this, you are best advised to get far away from him ASAP.

6) He ignores what you say to him

Another one of the big and blatant signs a married man is using you is that he ignores what you say.

He doesn’t remember, he rarely makes eye contact and he usually only shrugs, grunts or says things like “yeah, absolutely” and “for sure” to whatever you’re saying.

If he’s acting like this, he doesn’t give a fig.

You can tell yourself it’s just his strong and slent type of character.

But in the vast majority of cases it’s a man who doesn’t care about you and is just using you as a bit of fun on the side.

If he just doesn’t care what you’re saying or pay attention, don’t make excuses for him.

Maybe he did have a busy day, maybe he is stressed, maybe he has had a few too many drinks.

But if he wanted to listen, he would.

Harsh but true.

7) He often cancels your meetings at the last minute

One of the other blatant signs a married man is using you is when he constantly cancels on you at the last minute.

He puts his wife and family ahead of you, which can be understandable.

But he also puts his work ahead of you…

His friend’s birthday…

An exclusive sale at a store he loves that’s only one for today…

And whatever else he needs to do at the moment from an oil change to a haircut.

You come last, and you’re an afterthought.

He doesn’t even try to hide it, although he may try to exaggerate the importance of what he’s canceling on you for.

Don’t accept these kinds of excuses.

If he’s keeping you as a backup plan and canceling on you all the time, you have a right to put your foot down and let him know it’s not a way you allow yourself to be treated.

8) He keeps you a secret even from his friends

If you’re seeing a married man then it stands to reason that he wants to keep it discreet.

If he hasn’t told his wife and you two are having an illicit affair, then he has every reason to make sure your time together stays low key.

Nonetheless, one of the blatant signs a married man is using you is that he’s completely obsessed with keeping you a secret.

He doesn’t introduce you even if his best friend video calls while he’s with you, or he will deny knowing you if you share mutual friends.

If you work together, he may intentionally act like he doesn’t like you or has no idea who you are.

He may also studiously avoid going out with you in public, eating in public and basically going anywhere you could be seen by someone who knows he’s a married guy.

He may also spray tan or use makeup where his ring was or do other bizarrely finicky things to hide that he’s married in case even a hotel receptionist notices.

In short: he tries so hard to hide any connection with you that it’s almost like he’s ashamed.

And maybe he is ashamed: of cheating, of you, of being caught.

But that’s a lot to live with, and being the object of this kind of shame can lead to a lot of issues.

9) He asks you for really big favors a lot

This item can be true in multiple instances. It’s especially true when you’re talking about a married man who you’re seeing.

The reason is that as a married man he isn’t making a commitment to you.

Yet he still asks you for big favors quite often.

This can include:

  • Loans of money
  • Rides to get places
  • Advice on crucial and time-sensitive issues
  • Medical help or advice
  • Assistance in buying groceries or products
  • Help moving, cleaning or doing other tasks

If he’s got you in these kinds of roles, then his favors have become a bit over the top.

No matter how much you like him, consider the “trade balance.”

Do you ever ask him for favors? If so, what’s the approximate ratio?

10) He never makes you a priority, even once

As I mentioned earlier, one of the top most blatant signs a married man is using you is that he always puts you last.

It’s important to mention that this is a trend which may occur slowly.

At first, there may be no real situation where you notice how he thinks of you or how much of a priority you are.

The times that he turns down meeting due to being busy or having another commitment are something you don’t take personally, and you move on.

But as your time with this guy increases and you start to have feelings, pay attention to where you are on the pecking order.

It’s common for romantic feelings to sometimes blind us to objective facts.

Manipulators know this, which is why they so often make lame excuses for their errant behavior and those in love accept them.

If a married man is using you, you’ll know because he never makes you a priority.

Even if you need urgent help or have an emergency, you’ll notice that he passes you off to someone else or tells you to call the authorities.

11) He’s sexually irresponsible and reckless at your expense

Another one of the unfortunate and blatant signs a married man is using you is that he’s sexually reckless.

What do I mean by this?

I mean that he doesn’t care about using protection, barely pays attention about precautions you may or may not be taking and more or less doesn’t seem to care about discussing sexual safety.

You may point out that this is a risk for him too if he doesn’t know you well, and that’s absolutely true.

If a man doesn’t seem to care about using protection or pregnancy you have to wonder how many other women he’s acting this way towards as well.

At the same time, his lack of concern for your well-being shows that you’re no more than a sex toy for him.

If he doesn’t seem to care at all about being sexually responsible, this is not a man you want to spend too much time around unless he radically shifts his ways.

12) He openly checks out and flirts with other women around you

Another one of the blatant signs a married man is using you is that he checks out other women when he’s around you.

More to the point, if he is cheating on you as well as his wife, it’s even more evidence that you don’t mean much to him and he doesn’t have much respect for you.

However, it can be harder to find out whether he’s cheating on you, too.

For that reason, pay attention to his behavior when you meet other women or pass them.

If he’s openly checking them out and measuring their curves with his eyes, this guy is not very interested in you beyond what’s under your lingerie.

You can make all the excuses you want, but if he was really interested in getting to know you and valuing you as a human being, his attention wouldn’t immediately be diverted by other attractive women he crossed paths with.

13) He expects you to always be available for him

If you’re seeing a married guy, one thing is clear: he has a lot of constraints based on being married and especially if he has kids.

If you’re single, you presumably are more open to answer his calls, texts and messages.

But that doesn’t mean you’re just a free-for-all buffet.

You still have commitments, you still have days you don’t feel well, and you still have last-minute things and crises which come up and lead to canceling.

That’s why it’s just not reasonable for him to expect you to always be available.

And if he is, you need to get him to do a reality check and realize that just because he has less time and availability, it doesn’t mean he can treat you like something he orders on Uber Eats.

14) He withholds his time and attention if you aren’t into sex

Withholding sex to manipulate your partner is a sad thing.

It happens in serious relationships, marriages, and also in affairs.

If you are seeing a married man who is just using you for sex and company, he’ll often do this.

He will withhold his time and company if you don’t give him your body.

It’s revolting and transactional, and it’s not too hard to spot.

If you notice that this guy is holding back his availability when you hold back on intimacy, it’s most likely what’s happening.

He rations out his time and attention when you give him physical affection.

If that’s happening, rest assured that you are being used and also being disrespected, and valued at a low level.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

Written by Paul Brian

I’m a multimedia journalist with experience in print, photography, video, and online. My passion is reporting on individuals, faiths, nations, and situations that impact us all on the journey of life.

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