Tired of being the “mistress”?
Wondering if your married man actually loves you or is he just using you to have a good time?
While you’d think it’s easy to read what men are thinking, it actually is hard to gauge how they really feel at the best of times.
After all, when he says he loves you, is he just saying he loves you to get you into bed with him?
Or is he saying he loves you because he actually means it?
Will he follow through and leave his wife so you can two can finally be official (and live happily ever after)?
Or is it all bluff and bluster?
I’m not here to judge, but if you’re looking to find out whether this married man is actually serious about being with you, then I have all the information you need.
Look, I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of the Hack Spirit blog, and I’ve written 10s of thousands of words on the science of love and attraction.
And in this article, I’m going to lay out everything I’ve learned about whether a guy is genuinely in love.
So if you want to find out whether this married man is serious about following through and leaving his wife for good, then look no further.
1. You are this priority
Look, this may sound simple, but it’s true. If he makes an effort to see you, and he prefers spending his free time with you compared to his wife, then it’s pretty assured he has genuine feelings for you.
Now I’m sure he has to spend time with his wife (and possibly family) for important events and routine occasions (like family dinner). That’s fine.
But what I’m really referring to here is what he does in his free time.
After all, our free time is when we have a choice to spend time with whoever we please.
If he is using most of his free time to see you rather than his wife, then it might mean that he truly cares for you.
2. He feels like your hero
When you’ve had an argument with a co-worker, he’ll naturally take your side.
When you cross the road, he’ll put his body on the side of the traffic.
He can’t help it. He wants to protect you and be your hero.
This is a good sign.
A study published in the Physiology and Behavior journal shows that male’s testosterone makes them feel protective over a woman they are attracted to.
So naturally, if this man truly loves you, then he wants to protect you.
There’s actually a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that’s getting a lot of buzz at the moment. It goes to the heart of the riddle about why men fall in love—and who they fall in love with.
The theory claims that men want to be your hero. That they want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and provide and protect her.
This is deeply rooted in male biology.
People are calling it the hero instinct. I wrote a detailed primer about the concept which you can read here.
The kicker is that a man won’t fall in love with you when he doesn’t feel like your hero.
He wants to see himself as a protector. As someone you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as an accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
I know this might sound a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into our DNA to seek out relationships that allow us to feel like a protector.
If you would like to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides a fascinating insight into this new concept.
3. When you’re feeling down, he tries to make you feel better
When life gives you lemons, this man shows up and helps you make lemonade.
He works hard to help you stop worrying about the little things and focus on what matters.
This is because he cares about you.
When he sees you stressed, or in pain, it hurts him as well.
A man that is only using you to have a good time in the bedroom won’t care how you’re feeling or what difficult situations you’re encountering. He’ll only care about what he gets out of the exchange.
You see, according to Dr. Suzana E. Flores, when someone is in love, they tend to show strong empathy.
“Someone in love will care about your feelings and your well-being…If he or she is able to show empathy or is upset when you are, not only do they have your back but they also probably have strong feelings for you.”
If he is always there for you, helping you get over what you need to get over, then you can bet your bottom dollar this married man is actually in love with you.
4. Does he wear his wedding ring around you?
This is a significant gesture. If he naturally takes his wedding ring off when he spends time with you, then it may point to the fact that he wishes he wasn’t married and that he was free to be with you.
And taking off his wedding ring is a sign of things to come.
Don’t count all your eggs in one basket though.
It could also mean that he is ashamed of the cheating on his wife and he is keeping this as covert as possible.
Hmmm…how can you tell the difference?
Well, if he only takes his wedding ring off in public places, then it may point to the fact that he is ashamed of cheating on his wife and deceiving her behind her back.
But if he takes off his wedding ring for every moment that he spends time with you, then it may point to him being more genuine about his feelings for you.
5. He gives you better gifts than his wife
Look, if this guy is a rich man then I wouldn’t necessarily look at the value of the gifts that he gives you.
After all, it’s pretty easy for him to give you whatever he likes with a simple flash of his credit card.
But if you can also see what kinds of gifts he is giving his wife, then you can compare.
If it is pretty clear that the gifts he gives you are more thoughtful and more expensive, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he has genuine feelings for you.
Whether or not those feelings are strong enough for him to leave his wife for you is another matter altogether.
There are other situations in his life that we need to consider, but see it as a good sign that he values the relationship with you more than he does with his wife.
6. He won’t forget the little things
I’m guessing that this married man might have a lot going on in his life, particularly if he has kids and a wife.
But in the midst of all that, if he remembers everything little thing you tell him, then that’s a good sign that he has genuine feelings for you.
He’ll remember when you have an appointment or need to be somewhere for a family function.
He won’t bail on responsibilities and he’ll always remember when you got together, even if you don’t.
He’ll ask about your parents and your friends and he’ll ask how work is going, and remember to ask about that weiner, Susan, in accounting that you hate just so you have a chance to complain about her.
7. He wants to please you
A guy that loves you will want you to be happy, no matter what.
He wants you to have a good life.
In fact, he might even feel a little guilty that he isn’t the perfect guy that you deserve because he is married.
This is why he may even try harder to make you feel good with the limited time you have together.
He’ll make an effort to make you happy. If he says things such as, “as long as you are happy, then he is happy” – you know he’s yours.
He sends you cute good morning messages because he knows it will get your day started off in a great fashion.
8. He’s spoken to you about how much he dislikes being married
Has he spoken to you about his failing marriage and how much he wants to get out?
Then that’s a pretty good sign that the relationship between the two of you is serious.
Of course, any guy can say whatever they like to appease their woman, but if he has legitimately good reasons for not divorcing his wife right now, then he could be serious about his feelings for you.
Does he also have a plan to eventually leave his wife and start a life with you?
That’s a good sign.
Maybe it’s 5 years away while he waits for his kids to grow up.
Or perhaps it’s one year away after his wife goes through a particularly challenging situation.
Whatever it is, if there is a plan for you two to fully commit to each other, then that’s a great sign for you that you’ll get what you eventually want from this guy.
On the other hand, if he skirts around the issue and refuses to commit to any sort of plan or even have a good and logical reason why he is staying his wife, then I’m sorry to say but you might just be a side chick in his eyes.
That’s probably not the news you want to hear, but let’s be honest:
He is cheating on his wife, and it’s hard to trust a guy who is doing that unless he has rational and well-thought-out reasons for doing so.
9. He’s very jealous when you talk about other men
Is he incredibly jealous when you talk about other men?
This is a good way to test out his feelings.
If he becomes jealous when you mention other men, then his feelings for you may be real.
After all, jealously is a powerful and difficult emotion to control.
Now perhaps your man is controlling and insecure, and even though he loves his wife and you, he still can’t accept the fact that you’ll see other men.
Obviously, there is a double-standard there and it might benefit you to point that out to him when the time arises.
No matter who he is, he can’t have his cake and eat it, too.
If you notice that he is jealous of other men in his life, then you can use that to tell him that you’re jealous of his wife…and that you’re prepared to see other men if he doesn’t take action and fix it (or at least make a plan).
10. He is making plans for the future with you
This ties into the point before. Now, these kinds of plans could be something small like a plan for a holiday with you, or more substantive plans like a future house together.
These are great indicators that he is in it for the long haul.
On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about the future with you, or mention anything about his future plans, then that may point to the fact that you’re just a fling in his eyes.
Mistresses are usually a step away from the routine of men’s lives that they share with their wives, so if he expands your role beyond the bedroom, then that may indicate that he sees you more than just a part-time lover he can have fun with.
11. He’ll watch out for you
He’s got your back. And while that might not mean a whole lot right now in as he has other commitments with his “other life”, when things get hairy down the road, you’ll want to know that he is there for you.
He shows you that he will be now by doing what he said he will do, encouraging you to follow your dreams, and being present when he’s with you.
These are great signs that he loves you deeply.
12. He is becoming less paranoid about being found out by his wife
This is actually a pretty huge indicator that the tide is turning in your favor.
You see, if he still sees himself having a future with his current wife, then he’ll do everything he can to avoid her finding out.
He’ll do things you find odd, like book a hotel room in a different name. Or see you in a suburb that is bonkers from his place.
But if he starting to relax about how and when he is seeing you, and you’re even going out in public together, then perhaps he is becoming less worried about being found out.
He might be thinking that in the end, being found out is an easy way to tell his wife that he is seeing someone else and he wants a divorce.
13. He is fully immersing yourself in your life
Look, your married man may give you money, gifts, sex, a bit of his time, but in the end, those are just things.
Is your married man going to be there for you through thick and thin?
Is he immersing himself in your life? Listening to your plans for your career? What your family is like? What your passions are?
Because that is what real love is about. That is what happens in a real relationship.
It’s not just physical. It’s not just sexual. It’s not superficial gifts like money or material items.
It’s providing emotional and mental support and immersing yourself in each other’s lives.
Perhaps your man might say that he hasn’t got time for you. After all, he has a wife and family to attend to.
But he doesn’t love you if he isn’t willing to do anything to be with you…officially.
Because if he isn’t immersing yourself in your life, then eventually he is going to get tired of you, and he will move on and find someone else to occupy his physical interests.
The point I’m getting at is this:
When it comes to love, you have to be there for both the good and the bad.
So can you say that he truly loves you if he is only willing to be there for the good? That’s the question you need to ask yourself.
14. He keeps talking about how much he dislikes his wife
A married man that is in love with his mistress will always talk badly about his wife.
He will explain how unhappy he is in the marriage and even make himself the victim of an unloving, uncaring, unfaithful wife in order to gain sympathy from you.
If he genuinely has feelings for you, he’ll trust you enough to open up to you and express himself emotionally.
Let’s be honest:
It’s not easy for a man to be vulnerable to anyone, but men do have a habit of being vulnerable to the woman that he has feelings for.
Also, by expressing how much he dislikes his wife to you, he is also saying that he enjoys spending time with you a lot more. This is a good sign that he likes you for real.
But remember: You should always judge a married man by his actions, and he needs to eventually leave his wife (or at least plan to) to show you that he really does like you and wants a future with you.
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