10 signs your man is cheating in a long-distance relationship (and what to do about it)

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There’s absolutely nothing easy about a long-distance relationship.

Loving someone you can’t touch, feel, or embrace isn’t simple; you constantly feel the longing for another person, wishing you could cross the vast distance between you and them.

But like any relationship, there’s always the possibility of deceit involved – the possibility that your man is cheating on you.

But how can you tell?

How do you know you’re not just being paranoid when you can’t even check in on them physically and in person?

Here are 10 signs to look out for to see if your man is cheating on you in a long-distance relationship:

1) Their Affection is Inconsistent

One easy way to see if your long-distance partner isn’t actually as loyal as he says he is?

Think about his affection, or rather the level of affection over time that comes your way.

A man who is loyal and true will generally express a stable level of affection, whether it’s an overwhelming mountain of affection or just a subtle stream of it; this largely depends on how they express themselves and their love language.

But a man who is cheating? Their affection comes and goes in extreme altitudes.

One day they might not message you at all for no real reason, and the next day they’re giving you so much love it almost feels unreal.

If you’re experiencing something like this, run.

This is commonly referred to as love bombing, or the act of giving a person unrealistic levels of love to make up for their guilt and silence.

2) Their Schedule Doesn’t Make Sense

No matter who your man is, you should always have an idea of what they’re doing from morning until night.

Even if your man is a thousand miles away, a man who loves you will be more than happy to explain what the hours of his day are being spent on.

There’s absolutely no reason to hide or lie about your schedule if you’re not doing anything wrong.

This is why it’s a giant red flag when you can’t put together their schedule based on the things they tell you.

They might act like they had to stay at work until two in the morning because of their new boss, but another day it might not matter at all.

They might chalk it up to strange coincidences, but they can’t fool your gut feeling that they’re up to something.

3) You’ve Caught Them in White Lies

No one is completely pure and innocent. Even the nicest, kindest, most loyal, and trustworthy people slip in a small white lie here and there.

But when the white lies start to add up, that’s when you need to start taking notice; is this really a person you can trust, or does lying come as second nature to them?

When it’s your long-distance boyfriend who is telling small lie after small lie – things like, they actually had dinner out with their friends instead of eating in like they said they did; or, one of their best friends is actually a woman, not a man – you have to start asking bigger questions.

Maybe all your other gut feelings and hunches about the bigger possible lies aren’t so insane after all if you can prove to yourself that your partner is much better at lying than you’re comfortable with.

4) They Can’t Explain All Their Expenses

This point won’t apply to everyone, because not every couple shares complete transparency of their expenses with each other.

But for those who do have access to their partner’s expenses, an easy way to determine that they’re cheating on you is to see if their money is disappearing in ways they can’t exactly explain.

The truth is, unless you’re a victim of fraud and theft, you should always be able to explain all your expenses.

If your partner has unusually large charges at nice restaurants or unexplained bus or plane tickets to places he’s supposedly never been, then something is going on.

Every synapse in your brain is going to want to reject the possibility that he’s double-timing you, but no evidence is clearer than the bills themselves.

Ask him about those charges, and if doesn’t have concrete answers, then it’s time to find someone new.

5) They Start Talking About How Hard Long-Distance Is

One has to wonder why a man would stay in a long-distance relationship even after they’ve started cheating on that person with someone in their area.

Why put another person through that pain and why waste your own time and energy when you have all the physical benefits of a real relationship right there at home?

One possible reason is that they enjoy the power of having multiple women wrapped around their finger; another reason could be that they fell in love with you first, but now they don’t have the guts to end it and break your heart.

So instead of breaking it off with you, they’ll slowly try to convince you that this relationship is no longer worth it.

He’ll start magnifying all the issues of a long-distance relationship – the lack of physical intimacy, the inability to date, the uncertainty of the long-term future – in the hopes that he’ll save you the trouble and just end the relationship yourself.

6) They Don’t Flirt As Much As They Used To

Lately, you notice that there’s been a lot less giggling on your calls.

Your cute banter goes unanswered and your attempts at flirting are often shrugged off or awkwardly laughed away.

This doesn’t just happen once or twice either.

Even with direct efforts to stir up romance or foster intimacy, it’s clear that your partner is a bit avoidant and tries to steer clear of these kinds of interactions.

With no obvious reason for the sudden change in behavior, it’s possible that the decrease in flirting might have to do with them having their eyes elsewhere.

7) They’re Picking Up New Hobbies

People are dynamic; we inevitably change and grow.

In fact, this could be the key to relationships succeeding and thriving for many years.

But there’s something about your partner’s newfound growth that’s a little bit intriguing.

Suddenly they’re discovering new things to do without you.

All of a sudden they’re meeting new people and telling you all about the fun adventures they’ve been having.

You can’t help but feel a little left out like they’re moving on with their life without you.

What’s more suspicious is that your boyfriend is now starting to engage more in this hobby than the hobbies you two share together.

Without even seeming to realize it, your man can’t even help but talk about “the great people” he’s been meeting lately.

8) They’re No Longer as Accessible To You

Nowadays it feels like long distance is a lot more work than it used to be.

You can’t even remember the last time you talked each other’s ear off on a call.

Lately, texts go unanswered for hours, and phone calls are abruptly cut short because of work or whatever other reason he has.

In the past, you’d probably video call every single day and recount your days but now you can’t help but feel like he’s trying to minimize contact.

You still talk, sure, but it’s starting to feel like the bare minimum.

You hear about his day just enough, but you don’t really feel involved in his days anymore.

To add insult to injury, he’s no longer online during the hours you usually talk and those questions you have about his schedule usually go unanswered.

9) Their Communication Has Changed

It’s pretty easy to tell if the person you’re talking to is engaged in the conversation or not. Even when you’re oceans apart, you can still feel connected and intimate with your partner as long as both of you are doing the conversation justice.

Your more recent interactions are all but connected.

More often than not, he seems disinterested to talk to you, showing signs of being distracted.

When you ask him questions, he gives half-hearted answers.

When you engage him in conversation, he doesn’t really do anything to follow through and carry the conversation.

10) They’re Losing Patience With You

It’s fair to say that the most passion you’ve felt in the relationship lately is when you’re arguing.

From random fights to off-handed comments, these tense interactions have become a lot more frequent lately.

The irritability and particular aversion around your questioning or feelings of jealousy might just be the indicator you need to understand where you stand.

People who cheat often feel guilty about their affairs, so they project their anxieties onto their partners.

If your guy gets annoyed over petty issues or constantly stirs up fights by pointing out your flaws, he could be mentally checked out from the relationship and is just hoping that a fight is going to send you over the edge and make you break up with him.

What to do if you think your man is cheating in a long-distance relationship

1) Clear Up Expectations

If you’re feeling uneasy about what your boyfriend is doing, then you need to have an honest talk with them.

The fact of the matter is this:

Even if your boyfriend ticks off some of the signs above, they still might not be cheating on you.

Long-distance relationships aren’t easy.

It’s perfectly normal for a long-distance relationship to have problems.

Explain to him your insecurities and why you can’t help but second guess him based on the signs above.

He might have no idea how you’re feeling, and might not even know that he needs to communicate more with you.

To him, the long-distance relationship could be going fine and he is focused on other things like work.

But if you express to him how you’re feeling, then he’ll understand, and he can change his behavior to make you feel better, like by contacting you more.

If he doesn’t change his behavior, and you suspect that he really is cheating on you, then you might need to confront him about it.

But firstly, an honest discussion is what you need to have.

2) Trigger This in Him

If you feel like your man isn’t committed to you, and he isn’t taking this long-distance relationship serious enough, then you need to trigger a certain instinct in your guy, that will make him miss you like crazy even when you’re apart.

What is it?

There’s a new concept in relationship psychology generating a lot of buzz at the moment. It’s called the hero instinct.

And it explains why men fall in love with a woman and who they fall in love with. And I think it’s important to understand if you’re in a long-distance relationship.

I first learned about it from my friend Pearl Nash, who also writes for Hack Spirit. The hero instinct completely transformed her own love life.

Simply put, men want to be your hero. This drive is deeply rooted in their biology. Since humans first evolved, men have wanted to provide for and protect the woman they love.

If you can trigger the hero instinct in your man, it will make him miss you when you’re not around. Because you’re providing him something he craves.

You can learn more about the hero instinct in this unique video by James Bauer. He’s the relationship psychologist who first coined this term.

I don’t often get caught up in new fads or pop psychology. But after reading about the hero instinct myself, I think learning about this new concept can help a lot of women.

Making your man feel more like a hero is an art but can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do.

Because there are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.

To learn exactly how to trigger it, check out James Bauer’s free video here. Some ideas are life changing. And when it comes to relationships, I think this is one of them.

3) Set a Timeline

In every long-distance relationship, you and your partner will eventually start asking yourself: why are we doing this?

The pain, struggle, and yearning will all start to feel pointless after a while, especially if you don’t know what your end goal might be.

So sit down and talk with your partner and set up your expected timeline. This will give both of you a better idea of how long the “long-distance” portion of the relationship will last, and whether or not you are both capable of waiting that long.

Now if you need to know if he cheated, and that’s the deal-breaker for you to end the long-distance relationship, then below are some ways you can approach a conversation with him to get him to admit he cheated.

To Get Him to Admit He Cheated, Do These Things

4) Avoid Asking Yes/No Questions

Yes or no questions tend to be the simplest ones to answer; there are only really 2 responses.

That also means that it’s the easiest for someone to lie on; they won’t need to develop an entire storyline or rationale for their answers.

Instead of asking these simple questions, it would be more revealing to ask them open-ended questions.

Instead of asking, “Have you cheated on me?”, an alternative could be: “Where were you last night?” or “What were you doing that caused you to miss my call?”

A study has found that lies can be detected from open-ended questioning because the person still needs to choose what to use, as opposed to a simple yes/no question.

If he tends to stumble on his words or take too long to reply, he might’ve been up to something.

5) Pay Attention To His Words

Often, when politicians are asked difficult questions, they use big words to hide the fact they don’t want to answer with honesty.

They also often tend to weigh down their responses with too many details, again to cover up something they don’t want to reveal.

study showed that liars tend to confuse adding too many details with being honest — a practice that helps detect their dishonesty.

The next time that you talk to your boyfriend, pay close attention to the words that he’s using.

Does he give irrelevant details, like what color someone’s shoes were? Or does he go off-topic with his reply?

You might be able to call him out on it and get him to admit that he was lying.

6) Test His Alibi

After asking him a question about what he did last night, you can bring it up to him again in the following days — but this time, alter it a little.

Change a small detail like what time he arrived at the venue or who he was with.

Try to make a subtle reference about it and ask him if what you said was right.

If he doesn’t correct you, that’s another piece of evidence that you have against him.

The next time that you ask him whether he cheated on you or not, you can bring up the fact that the story that he told you was flimsy and inconsistent.

You can go a step further to verify his alibi by asking the people he was alleged with to see if they’ll back up his claims.

7) Want Advice Specific To Your Situation?

While this article explores the main ways to get him to admit that he cheated, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like infidelity. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.

How do I know?

Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to get started.


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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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