8 signs it’s co-dependence not genuine love, according to psychology

Understanding the difference between genuine love and co-dependence can be a tough cookie to crack.

As Tina Fey, founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert, I’ve seen this confusion countless times. People often confuse their reliance on their partner for love when it’s actually co-dependence.

Genuine love is empowering, liberating, and fulfilling.

Co-dependence, on the other hand, is restrictive, limiting, and often unhealthy.

According to psychology, there are clear signs that distinguish the two. And trust me, knowing these signs can save you from a lot of heartache.

Here are 8 signs it’s co-dependence, not genuine love.

1) You’re constantly seeking their validation

Co-dependence often disguises itself as a deep craving for validation from your partner.

It’s normal to want your partner’s approval and admiration.

But when it crosses the line into needing their validation for your self-worth, it could be a sign of co-dependence.

In a healthy, loving relationship, you should feel secure in your worth without constant reassurance from your partner.

This is not to say that reassurance and validation aren’t important in a relationship.

They are. But if you find yourself obsessively needing it to feel good about yourself, that might be a red flag.

Remember, genuine love empowers you to believe in yourself.

Co-dependence, on the other hand, makes you reliant on someone else for your self-esteem.

So take a moment to reflect – are you constantly seeking their validation? If yes, it might be co-dependence rather than genuine love.

2) You feel incomplete without them

Another telltale sign of co-dependence is the feeling of being incomplete without your partner.

In a co-dependent relationship, individuals often lose their sense of self and identity.

They might feel lost or incomplete without their partner.

But in genuine love, you appreciate your partner’s presence, but you also understand and value your individuality. You are complete with or without them.

It’s like two wholes coming together to create something even more beautiful, rather than two halves trying to complete each other.

So ask yourself – Do you feel incomplete without your partner? If the answer is yes, you might be in a co-dependent relationship.

3) Their mood dictates your happiness

Being empathetic and sensitive to your partner’s feelings is a good thing, but when their mood starts dictating your happiness, it’s a clear sign of co-dependence.

In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I discuss how co-dependence can make your emotional state heavily reliant on your partner’s mood.

In a genuine loving relationship, you empathize with your partner’s feelings, but their emotions don’t control your happiness.

You have the ability to maintain your emotional balance even when they are going through a rough time.

So think about it – does your mood fluctuate drastically with your partner’s?

If so, it might be time to reassess the dynamics of your relationship.

And if you need guidance navigating this complex terrain, my book offers practical advice and strategies to break free from co-dependency.

4) You’re always the one compromising

Compromise is often hailed as the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

But here’s the counterintuitive bit – if you’re always the one bending over backward and making compromises, it might be a sign of co-dependence.

In genuine love, both partners negotiate and find a middle ground. It’s about mutual respect and understanding each other’s needs.

But in a co-dependent relationship, one person often gives up their needs, desires, and even their values to accommodate the other.

This constant self-sacrifice can lead to resentment and a loss of self-identity over time.

So reflect on this – are you always the one compromising in your relationship?

If you nodded yes, it could be co-dependence sneaking in under the guise of compromise.

5) You find it hard to say no

This is something I’ve personally struggled with in the past.

The inability to say no, even when you want to, can be a glaring sign of co-dependence.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals should have the freedom to express their feelings and opinions without fear of upsetting the other person.

This includes the ability to say no.

However, in a co-dependent relationship, you might constantly agree or go along with your partner’s plans and decisions, even if they go against your own desires or needs.

Remember, genuine love respects boundaries and individual choices.

If saying no makes you anxious or guilty, it might be worth exploring the possibility of co-dependence.

6) You often feel used

Let’s be brutally honest here. If you often find yourself feeling used or taken for granted in your relationship, it’s a powerful sign of co-dependence.

In a genuine, loving relationship, there’s a balance of give and take.

Both partners contribute to the relationship and value each other’s efforts.

But in a co-dependent bond, it’s common to feel like you’re constantly giving while your partner is only taking.

It might feel as though your role is to fulfill their needs while yours are often overlooked.

This can be a hard pill to swallow, but recognizing this pattern is a crucial step towards breaking the chains of co-dependence.

So ask yourself, do you feel used? Your answer might open your eyes to the reality of your relationship.

7) Fear of abandonment haunts you

As someone who has walked this path, I can tell you that the fear of abandonment can be a heavy burden in a co-dependent relationship.

If you’re constantly living in fear that your partner will leave you, it’s likely that co-dependence is at play.

In a healthy relationship based on genuine love, there’s a secure attachment.

You trust that your partner will stay with you because they love and value you, not because you’re bending over backward to keep them.

So take a deep breath and ask yourself – Does the fear of abandonment haunt you? If it does, it’s worth exploring further.

8) You’re losing yourself in the relationship

This is a raw truth that many in co-dependent relationships face – you start losing yourself in the process of loving the other person.

In a genuine, loving relationship, both individuals grow together while still maintaining their individuality.

You have your own interests, friends, and pursuits outside of your partner.

But in a co-dependent relationship, your world starts revolving solely around your partner.

Their interests become your interests. Their friends become your only friends.

You might even start altering your personal beliefs and values to align with theirs.

This loss of self can be deeply damaging and leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled.

So be honest with yourself – are you losing your identity in the relationship?

If the answer is yes, it may be time to take a step back and reevaluate the dynamics of your relationship.

And remember, it’s never too late to reclaim yourself.

Final thoughts

Recognizing the signs of co-dependence is the first step towards breaking free from its chains.

It’s not an easy journey, but it’s one that leads to self-discovery, empowerment, and healthier relationships.

Remember, genuine love uplifts you, empowers you, and celebrates your individuality.

Co-dependence, on the other hand, restricts you and blurs your sense of self.

If you see these signs in your relationship, don’t despair.

It’s never too late to break the cycle of co-dependence.

For further guidance and strategies on overcoming co-dependency, I invite you to check out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.

Remember, your journey towards genuine love begins with self-love.

So take a deep breath and take that first step. You’ve got this!