Afraid that your husband is an asshole?
To the waiter, to your friends and even to your family?
Or even worse, perhaps he is reserving his asshole behavior just for you?
And now you’re worried that the love is fading in your relationship and the future for your marriage doesn’t seem as bright.
Many women have been in the same situation before and they’ve managed to work their way out of it.
Trust me, I’ve seen it time and time again with the women we’ve helped on the Hack Spirit blog.
In this article, I’m going to go through 11 surefire signs that you’re onto something in thinking that your husband is an asshole.
After that, we’ll talk about what you can do about it.
We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.
1. He doesn’t help at all with the children
Does your husband come home from work, sit on the couch, and never lift a finger for your children?
While you’re constantly busy running around looking after them?
Even when you force him to do something for you (like hold the baby) he reluctantly does it and never seems happy about it.
Despite what some men might say, this is never okay.
Even if your husband works all day, he still needs to do his fair share for your children.
After all, you carried the child for 9 months, birthed him, and literally made his food from your body.
No matter who you are, a husband can always spare an hour out of his day to look after the children he committed to.
If your husband literally does nothing for your children, and hardly ever looks after them (or even communicates with them) then that is some A-grade asshole behavior.
He’s skirting his responsibilities and acting like an asshole to the wife he vowed he will love till death do us part.
There’s no getting around it.
Even if your husband makes the money in the relationship, it doesn’t give him a free pass to not help with the children.
Having children is exhausting. No one denies that. But that’s the agreement you sign up for the day you decide to get married and have children.
Do you know what you need to do?
Spend some time for yourself. Go out, do your own thing, and leave the kids with him.
If he complains about it, remind him that they are his children and he can’t avoid being their father anymore.
Oh and if he says that he will do this as a favor for you, tell him that you don’t consider it a “favor” as It’s literally part of his responsibility as an adult.
2. He is doing absolutely nothing around the house
You know your husband is selfish and an asshole if he won’t lift his finger around the house and expects you to do everything for him.
This is especially the case if he leaves a complete mess everywhere and refuses to clean up after himself.
Sure, he might work all day, but nothing excuses a man being a complete slob.
The fact of the matter is this:
Chores are part of a household’s daily routines and in healthy relationships where both partners live and share a life together, it makes sense for couples to split the responsibilities.
Look, in some way you can understand why some men believe that they should do nothing around the house.
After all, some husbands still embrace stereotypical beliefs about domestic responsibilities.
But it’s time for your husband to wake up. It’s 2020. We don’t live in a patriarchal society anymore.
So if this is the case for your husband, you need to let him know that it’s not okay.
Households need to be kept somewhat clean.
And the day he asked you to marry him is the day that he agreed to form a union of love and life together.
And that means that you share responsibilities in all the different facets of life.
Otherwise, it’s a one-sided relationship where one party is working harder than the other.
And that is never going to work in the long-run.
So what can you do to get your husband to actually do some work around the house?
This is going to sound mean, but you need to treat him like a little puppy.
Tell him what to do around the house and then give him praise whenever he does it.
It may sound like primary school, but it’s the only way he’ll learn.
And if he has a sense of decency about him, he’ll realize that you’re being overworked and you genuinely need help.
If he simply refuses to do anything that you tell him, then you need to have a tough, honest talk with him.
Let him know that it’s not okay to do nothing around the house, no matter how tired he is.
If this is going to be a successful marriage, then you’re both going to have to lift a finger and get shit done to keep the household functioning.
3. He only cares about himself
You know your husband is an asshole if he doesn’t care about your feelings.
In fact, your husband is definitely an asshole if whenever you try to share your unhappiness, hurt or anger, he shuts you down by “one-upping” you with the story of his own obviously worse tragedy.
It’s as if he tries to compete with you for victim status and attention.
And whenever something bad happens, he tries to make it 100% your fault.
You’re the one who is always guilty for any negative event.
Yet, when it comes to making decisions, it’s either his way or the highway.
He doesn’t care about your opinion. He’s completely self-centered, toxic and doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but his own.
When you’re around your husband, you can’t help but feel alone because you know he’s not thinking of you.
He is so into himself that there is no interpersonal connection at all.
It sucks, but it can turn around (I talk about what to do later in the article).
4. He is incredibly manipulative
Manipulators are basically liars.
You know your husband is a manipulator if he pretends to be on your side, but in reality, he only tends to use you for his own needs.
Has he also stopped being authentic with you and only wants you to come out to a special event if it makes him look good?
This is undoubtedly asshole behavior.
In fact, to achieve his goals, he’ll go out of his way to make you feel good so he can then use you to get what he wants.
While that might sound kind of normal for a marriage, it’s actually incredibly toxic and it’s unfair on your emotions to get played around like a yo-yo.
As a result of his cunning behavior, you can’t help but be confused (which is why you’re typing “my husband is an asshole” in google).
On the one hand, he seems to love you as he drops incremental love bombs to win you over.
But on the other hand, he seems to use your trust and manipulation of your feelings to get what he wants.
5. He doesn’t get along with his mother
Does your man have a bad relationship with his mother?
Look, I don’t want to make assumptions but in general, when a guy has a terrible relationship with his mother it means that he is an asshole.
If he has serious problems with his mother, then more likely than not, he might have serious problems with you.
The bottom line is this:
Men learn to treat women from the way their father and themselves treat their mother.
So if he is comfortable disrespecting his mother then, unfortunately, it may only be a matter of time (if it hasn’t happened yet) that is going to happen to you.
In fact, when you think about it from a male’s perspective, the mother is the most important female relationship that he has in his life, so it’s a surefire clue of whether your husband is really an asshole.
You can’t expect him to respect you if he can’t even respect his own mother.
6. He has an incredibly short fuse
Anything and everything causes him to explode into anger.
Once his fuse is tripped, he turns away from you and can even ignore you for days.
And look, as we all know, every relationship has its ups and downs but with your husband, the downs are complete disasters.
You just never know when he is going to fly off the handle into a rage.
On a good day, he might cope with a disagreement in a reasonable manner.
On a bad day, the slightest inconvenience might set him off.
In addition, he blames his rage on you or others.
It’s always someone’s else fault, isn’t it?
As a result, sometimes you’re scared to have a conversation with him because it might turn into an argument.
It just feels like he hates you and the smallest inconveniences set him off.
It’s like you’re walking on eggshells around him, which can seriously drain your emotional health.
The worst part is that your friends and family don’t believe that he is a short fuser because he somehow appears pleasant, calm, and likable around them.
He saves his destructive toxic side for you.
Recommended reading: Is my boyfriend ashamed of me? 12 brutal signs to look out for
7. Your husband is highly critical of you and thinks he is superior
The toxic behavior just won’t stop with your husband, will it?
If he finds it hard to accept you as you are and he regularly criticizes you for what he sees as faults, then you can bet your bottom dollar your husband is an asshole.
And you’re probably starting to really dislike him for it.
It’s almost like he uses shame as a weapon to make you feel bad and himself feel better.
Whenever a problem confronts your life, he insists that it is your own fault and that it wouldn’t have happened to him.
He easily belittles your choices, pokes fun at your accomplishments, and seeks to make you think that he is a better person.
Because he has this air of superiority around almost everyone but especially you.
8. He never lets you see his phone
Well, this is a serious warning sign.
If your man is constantly on his phone doing God knows what, but then as soon as you take a peak at what he is doing, he shuts down completely and makes sure you can’t see anything, then something is up.
I didn’t want to say it but I think it’s important to realize that infidelity is a possibility here.
Hiding his phone from you is a surefire sign that he is up to no good.
Now some people might say that we shouldn’t be looking at other people’s phones, and I completely agree.
But if he never even lets you look at his phone and see what he’s doing, he might be worried that notification will come through and the asshole games he is playing will be revealed.
Of course, you shouldn’t necessarily use his phone but he sure as hell doesn’t need to jump like a frightened cat when you take a look.
9. He thinks he is doing you a favor just by being with you
Talk about an inflated sense of self-importance!
Does your man think that if he takes you out to dinner that nothing else matters because he has graced you with his presence?
Sometimes he hardly mutters a word and spends most of the night on his phone, but he still thinks he has done enough?
Or maybe your husband earns more than you and tells you about it all the time.
He thinks that without him you wouldn’t be able to go to these expensive restaurants.
Little does he know that you couldn’t give a toss about that. After all, you didn’t get married to this guy to go to expensive restaurants or use his money.
You could do those things on your own.
Truth be told, your husband needs a reality check.
When you’re in a fully-fledged marriage, you don’t just spend money and think that’s enough.
Nope, you’ve got a life to build together and a family to raise.
And that requires a lot of emotional and mental support, not just financial support.
10. He spends whatever money he wants but controls what you spend
Does your husband go out and have big nights of spending with his buddies, but when you do the same with your gals, he kicks up a fuss?
Or maybe he’ll buy an expensive car for himself but refuses to give you anything even remotely similar?
This is a huge sign of an asshole husband.
Men that go out of their way to spoil themselves but then completely forget about their own wife are pretty downright selfish and hypocritical.
There’s no getting around it.
Maybe he even keeps control of your finances and knows about every little penny that you spend.
Then, of course, he does whatever he likes with no questions at all!
This type of double standard wrecks of asshole behavior.
This isn’t 1925. It’s 2020. And in any healthy relationship in 2020, females and males are equal.
You’ve decided to share your life together, and that means sharing very single facet.
From your finances to your emotions to your lifestyle.
And if he isn’t willing to get on board with that, then you’re going to have to have a good, hard talk with him.
11. He bullies you constantly and tries to control your behavior
Well, this simply isn’t right and if your husband is bullying then it sure as hell needs to stop.
Does he constantly try to control your behavior?
Does he lie to you to manipulate you?
If you say you’re going out with your gal pals, he’ll kick up a fuss and tell you that you need to be home looking after the kids.
Meanwhile, he wouldn’t have a second thought about going for beers with his friends after work on a Friday.
And when you have your own opinions, he shuts them down because he can’t stand the fact that you possess the ability to critically think for yourself.
It’s his way or the highway.
This is not okay. You’re an independent and strong woman. You don’t need a husband putting you down and making you feel like sh*t. You don’t deserve it.
The fact of the matter is this:
If your husband is a bully then your husband is an asshole. He has serious issues and something needs to be done to address it.
What to do about your asshole husband
Now that we’ve established that your husband is an asshole, the question is:
Why are you with him?
Are you left with no choice but to stay with him?
Are you dependent on him?
Was your husband a nice guy in the past and it’s only recently that he’s changed?
Maybe he has fallen out of love?
Obviously, each scenario is different.
And if your husband has only recently become an asshole then it can be rectified. You just need to get him to snap out of it.
But if you feel like there is no hope of change, then you shouldn’t feel like you have to stay with him.
If you’re completely reliant on your husband, then you need to work on different areas of your life to not be so dependent.
I’m guessing that it will take time, but it will be well worth it.
Ask your friends for help. Hustle your ass off to figure out your own source of income.
No doubt it’s tough but staying with an asshole can’t be good for your long-term emotional health.
Look, if you’ve kids together and a house and a dog and what have you, then it’s obviously going to be difficult to leave them.
But if your husband truly is an asshole, then it’s probably imperative that you do leave him to protect your own emotional health.
You don’t have to put up with an asshole husband.
On the other hand, if you believe that there is hope for change and that your husband is actually a nice guy on the inside, then here are some tips that can help you out.
1. Make him feel needed
Look, this tip might sound strange when we’re talking about an asshole husband, but hear me out.
Men love to feel needed.
Chalk it up to men’s evolutionary past of being the protector and provider in the relationship.
Men have an instinct to make you feel comfortable and secure, to step up to the plate and be the hero for the woman in their life.
And a genuine reason why your husband might be acting like an asshole is because he doesn’t feel needed in your life.
Perhaps you’re an independent woman who has her life on lock.
And as a result, you’re giving off a vibe that says you don’t actually need your husband in your life.
Do you ever ask your husband for help?
Do you just assume that he won’t lift a finger and you’re going to do everything?
He might not even know it, but a very real reason he may be acting like an asshole is that he can’t be your hero.
There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct.
This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.
Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.
The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.
When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being the best husband he can be to you.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And when it comes to improving a marriage, this is one of them.
That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your husband.
2. Have an honest discussion about his behavior
We can all agree that communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
So now it’s time, to be honest, and clear with your husband.
This gives him an opportunity to fix their behavior.
Now the most important factor here is having a productive discussion that actually resolves the issues.
We don’t want to turn this into an argument. That will resolve nothing.
So in order to fix your husband’s asshole behavior, here are some tips on how to have an honest and productive discussion.
1. Don’t attack their character.
If they’re doing something wrong in the relationship, then make sure you don’t attach their character to their actions.
You may not know their true intentions. After all, sometimes when we’re doing something wrong, we don’t actually know we’re doing it.
But when you start attacking their character and you get personal, it turns into an argument and nothing gets solved.
Remember, if your relationship is to continue and most importantly, grow, then you need to have a productive discussion that addresses the real conflict.
Leave personal insults out of it.
2. Stop thinking in terms of who causes more issues in the relationship
Whenever there is a problem in a relationship, there almost always 2 sides to the story.
Yes, one person might be more responsible, but pointing it out in that way just makes it seem petty like you’re trying to win points.
In the same vein, don’t bring up previous issues to show who has caused more problems in the relationship.
Stick to the current issues. Focus on what’s important. Leave ego out of it.
Now if you’ve discovered the real issue in the relationship and you’ve communicated together in an honest, clear, and mature way, that’s great.
If you’ve both agreed to work on the relationship, then it’s important to stick with it and see how it goes.
But if over time you find that they’re really not working on the issues with the relationship, then it could be time to call it quits.
Can people change? Yes, of course, they can. But they have to not only be willing to change, but they’ve got to show it with their actions.
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